"one day it'll all make sense"

the first week of the new year, my brother and i got into the first real argument of our lives (i'd like refer to it as an adult argument, but we were acting pretty childish).

in the heat of the moment, what i saw as irreconcilable differences and truly valid wrath, God took and redeemed (as He does with all pain and iniquity). although i felt scared, hurt, wronged, and embarrassed by my brother's public foolishness and brash anger, i realized most of the event was reactionary to things that i had done to him first. for that, i am repentant and ask for healing. i ask for humility, courage, patience, and wisdom to love beyond what is reasonable.

through intercessory prayers, a perfectly timed sermon, and prayerful reflection (thanks again for the tools CR),  God exposed to me my own fault and sins: overwhelming pride, lack of self-control, ungodly self-righteousness, unrecognized resentment, and  sense of entitlement.

when i hear sermons about the parable of the prodigal son,  i always empathize with the lost son because i consider myself more of a rebel - turning from God in my selfishness and then running home to His open arms. i guess that's true when i compare my walk with those who have never gone astray, but now i realize it's all relative and that we are never just one or the other (reference: Tim Keller - The Prodigal God) in this situation, and in relation to my own real brother, i seem to function with the older brother's heart. (it amazes me that something so obvious and simple has never come to my attention before.)

growing up i always took care of (챙겨ed for) my brother. in my mother and grandma's absence, what was a "naturally nurturing" girl to do? but in that "service", i grew a sense of pride (i'm the good, responsible one), resentment (my older brother never stepped up to protect and provide for me - i even envied sisters whose brothers would kidnap misbehaving boyfriends to "teach them a lesson" haha) and entitlement (that i didn't have to respect him because he never earned it). but love is never earned, is it? we are called to love and respect each other because God loved us unconditionally when we were so undeserving....well, now that i see with new eyes, it would behoove me to take action.

i also learned that men need to be treated with respect, just as women need to be treated with tenderness and love. (man, they go crazy and get all twisted if you be disrespectin' them!). i won't go into the details of my man-hating heart (still need to work that one out) but needlessness to say, i'm going to be a better sister (express the seriousness of my desire for change), woman, (adding a new new years resolution to my list: treat men with respect), and Christian (love, love, love). i will treat my brother with respect as best i can... i hope he somehow knows this.

I seriously need to memorize this verse:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. -1 Corinthian 13: 4-8

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relocating the bottom

John Piper - Getting to the Bottom of Your Joy (Passion 2011):

"Let it be said, now loud and clear, that John Piper does not deny and never has denied that God makes much of us...Whether those truths, those amazing truths that ought to thrill your soul - yes they should - that God makes much of you that way, should THRILL your soul.

Why? And if the answer is, "because i'm at the bottom and i like to be made much of," then you're not born again. And if the answer is, "because it reveals more of God and equips me more to know him,  treasure him, love him, be satisfied in Him", the you're born again. That's the difference, what's at the bottom...

Why does God, all over the Bible, reveal His acts of love toward us in a way that always shows His design is that He get glory? The answer is: God's love for you, that makes much of His glory, is a greater love for you than if He made you, your supreme treasure.  Why? Because self, no matter how glorious, can NEVER satisfy a heart made from God. It feels so good to the fallen heart. It feels so good to have myself at the bottom and to be made much of. And until they're born again, they can't realize that's not gonna satisfy you. You will never, ever be beautiful enough,  strong enough, wise enough, admirable enough, to be the bottom and bear the weight of all the joy that you want for eternity. It will not bear that weight. It will give way and you will fall into the pit. Only one thing can bear the weight of all the joy that you want to have and that's God.

God loves you. I want you and God wants you to feel loved. You are precious to Him. You are precious to Him. And the gift that He would want me to give you is to say this: I love you and you are so precious to me - that I will not let your preciousness become your God. I will not let your preciousness, to me, become your God. I will be your God - and I alone. "

love thy identity

"i know it says in the Bible that you should love your neighbor as yourself, but what if you hate yourself?"

what a simple, yet poignant question, asked by an innocent 12 year old boy. no doubt that every one of us has, and will struggle with this question as we continue to develop our identity.

i firmly believe that angry and mean people are just very hurt, disappointed, and jaded people who need the healing touch of Christ in their lives. they can't love others because they struggle with loving themselves. i know this because i myself have been a mean, angry person in the past. although i've seen the light and grown much, i still struggle with my feelings and the internal bruises that cause them to rise up (certain people tend to bring it out much quicker than others - you know who you are). safe to say, i'm training myself to express emotions in a healthier, more productive, and acceptable way.

when i look back at the way i've acted in my relationships, i shudder at my lack of self-discovery, stubbornness, pride, and foolishness. i guess that's why hindsight is 20/20, and also why i need to look at my future through God's eyes (trust, hope, peace, joy, in Him alone!).

when i think of the reasons as to why i was so horrid at times, i am reminded of a sermon Pastor Danny gave a while back about adopted children. they often exhibit behavior problems to the detriment of their loving adopted parents. he explained that all human beings have an inherent trust, instilled in us by our parents, who give us unconditional love and nurturing.  however, when a parent abandons their child, that natural foundation of trust and love is broken. so the adopted child attempts to rebuild this foundation in the only way they know how - with badness - prove to me that you love me because i don't believe you. how bad can i be before you leave me too? i'm going to be this bad, do you still love me? i am this unlovable, do you still want me? because they want so badly to believe for themselves that they are loved and wanted....

i often acted like an adopted child in relationships; no level of commitment was enough for me because i had major trust issues. i constantly needed and demanded insatiable levels of affirmation and affection. i was unknowingly functioning on the belief that if my own father (who should have loved me no matter what) was able to leave me at such a young age, what would make another person (a stranger with no obligation) want to stay by my side and love me? ironically enough, this need for emotional support, understanding, and proof of faithfulness always pushed them farther from me. (not entirely my fault that most of the men i chose were not prepared in faith, character, maturity, or steadfastness to love me like Christ loved the church). so then the disappointment, rejection, resentment, and loss of respect crept in until sure enough, all hope was lost.

geez, i went off into the dark crevices of my unseen heart again..... my apologies. well, at least we know CR is doing it's job at busting out all of the skeletons from my inner closet! all i am sure of is that Christ has changed me and i'm so loved by Him that i love myself. now, the challenge is loving others more... hah!

    this year of 2013:

• i will no longer act on these dysfunctional beliefs.
• i will no longer let my own twisted needs cloud my judgment of true character.
• i will be a better Christian by loving my neighbors as myself (in case you didn't know, i love myself a lot...)
• i will have a normal/peaceful relationship with food and a healthier self-body image.
• i will learn to play the guitar.

For God did not give us a Spirit of timidity, but a Spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. -2 Timothy 1:7

little by little bit

so here is my typical end of the year reflection wrap-up entry. but i won't complain about the things that i failed to do, the regrets about the things that i did do, or the things that i wish i had done but disappointingly did not. instead, i want to give a shout out to the One who made everything happen for me.

Thank you Lord that:
1) i graduated (with a very meaningful vindication moment!!!!!) PTLPTLPTL! (this would make complete sense to you if you've been with me through my Hunter clinic experience). 
2) i was so divinely blessed with a GREAT job that i LOVE everything about.
3) i met so many solid brothers and sisters of Christ, who, one way or another, patiently and relentlessly proved to me that i am lovable and that above all- You love me tirelessly no matter what i say, do, want, or think.
4) You stretched me, grew me, met me, loved on me, restored me, deeply healed me, blessed me, and called me "My Beloved" in so many uncountable ways.
5) i celebrated as many of my loved ones progressed towards the milestones of life (e.g., engagement, marriage, babies) and also mourned with those who were called home to be in heaven with you. Lord, Blessed be Your Name.

i hadn't heard this simple throwback since childhood until i caught my brother randomly playing/singing it at the beginning of this year. that moment was so significant to me because it was how i first knew that Christ had really saved and changed his heart (tear)...  then i couldn't stop singing it on and off throughout 2012 as i realized how much Jesus was really guiding me through the different seasons. this is the Song of the Year because i believe Jesus really, really changed me so much, yet He has so much left to teach me!

2010: the Year of Greatness
2011: the Year of Reckoning
2012: the Year of Jubilee
2013: the Year of Provision..... here we go!

role reversal

as i sat her down and blow dried her hair, a flood of memories overwhelmed me all at once.  my eyes began to mist over as i thought about how much our roles have reversed. as a child, my grandmother was the only person i could trust and rely on. her love was always constant. i never questioned whether she cared for me and if i was her favorite (cuz i was and she wasn't afraid to make it known). she always treated me with such tenderness and care and was always on my side to fight for me and protect me from all things (even my own mother sometimes).

as i swept my hands through her still dark hair, i realized she is the one from whom i've inherited my luscious locks, not to mention my stubborn will, fierce courage, and silly sass. now, at the age of 88, she's dwindled down to a tiny mouse-sized version of herself. she sits at the twilight of her life, with a fragile and child-like dependency, and it saddens me so.

i guess one of the reasons why i've always wanted to marry young is so that she could have the chance to hold my children in her arms and enjoy them. likewise, i really want my children to experience her tenderness just as i've known it, so we could both have that joint understanding. she never minds me climbing all over her little body for physical affection and to this day, i still say that i know he'll be the one because i'll be able sit and wrap my arms/legs around him comfortably, just as i do with her.  i always make her promise that she'll be at my wedding and i can't even begin to think of how she might be gone before i can introduce her to my husband... or else i'll cry.

my mom has always been the most sacrificial of her siblings (no question as to why she is my grandma's favorite child of seven). albeit she hasn't always had the best opportunity to practice her maternal mothering on us during my own childhood, seeing her take care of my delicate grandma now makes me feel warm and tender inside. it reminds me that we are all called to express our servant-hearts in our own way. i know personalities and physiques are inherited but i wonder if hearts are genetically passed down too. if so, i hope mine is as large and thriving as my mom's (and her mom's).

life is strange but beautiful.... because our God is so mysterious.

Oh Holy Night

 Simply moved by the truth, serenity, and beauty of this poem:

Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Till he appear'd and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn!

Fall on your knees
Oh hear the angel voices
Oh night, divine!
Oh night when Christ was born.

Truly He taught us to love one another
His law is love and His gospel is peace
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother
And in His name all oppression shall cease
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
With all our hearts we praise His holy name.

Christ is the Lord! Then ever, ever praise we,
His power and glory ever more proclaim!
Let all within us praise His holy name

not very civil

 

the other day, I went to Brooklyn for a teacher's training. it wasn't until lunchtime that i realized we were sitting in the school library. so i took the liberty of perusing the shelves. i was aghast at how new all of the books were.  i was the first person EVER to open most of them! (i could tell at the crisp sound of the binding and saw the pages free of grubby fingerprints). well, God blessed me with 2 epiphanies for the day:

1) it made me really sad, not just for the books themselves (Toy Story reminds me that toys want to be played with and books want to be read; we must all live out our purposes!) but at the idea that the children in this school (among many others in District 75) will never EVER have the opportunity to enjoy the simple pleasure of reading a book.....devastation! they will never know the magical world of harry potter, the intimate details of the Civil War, the beautiful pictures in Horses & Ponies! it just breaks my heart.

and then i thought about how they would never be able to access God's living WORD. (of course, God's love transcends cognitive delays and the Holy Spirit works despite iniquity and disability because God is ABLE.) but the simple truth remains that some were created with more special needs which may or may not be fully met... ironic that the training topic was about AAC (Augmentative and Alternative Communication) devices.

2) i picked up a book about the Civil War and this also made me very sad. how could so many men disagree about the very reason they traveled to America in the first place, to the point of slaughting each other? i guess both sides had very different ideas of freedom and opportunity. but the book reminds me that at one point, they were all on one team with one goal - then divergent ideas/misdirected desires/stubborn wills split one camp into two. and then they went down in history  for creating the bloodiest war ever fought in America. isn't it scary how much satan loves to create division; within the church, within families, within our friendships? the struggle, hate, resistance, self-importance, pride, withholding - that comes raging out of all of us... (and i can say that from much personal experience =/) this world needs a Savior SO BADLY. (sorry superman, batman, spidey - this is a job even too great for you guys!) honestly, it made my heart yearn for heaven on earth.

love hurts

"I once heard Joyce Meyer say that you CANNOT love someone without giving something up. Call it compromise, call it whatever, but if you really think about, its the truth. Love really does hurt. There's no way that it can't. You can't keep acting like a single person, or keep doing the same things that you used to do if you're in a relationship. There's a part of each of you that has to "give" or "die" so that the relationship can survive and have a "life" of its own. And this goes for all types of relationships, not just the romantic kind.

The same goes for our relationship with God and being Christians. Loving God can and will hurt sometimes because of our sinful nature and the nature of the world. But the rewards of pushing through that fleeting moment of pain is everlasting. Because we don't find true comfort in other people or things, but rather from the fact we've accepted what Jesus has done for us."

-James Constantino

picture perfect

there are so many reasons behind the things that people value and the things that people do. we'll never fully understand it from their point of view.... but it's what makes people unique and what makes life absolutely interesting! needless to say, it's important to get to know individuals on a deeper level so you can understand and appreciate them for the way they function! (yes, and i will say it again: quality time, vulnerability, and intimacy are very important to building solid foundations for a stable relationship).

to explain some of the reasoning behind the phenomena of my facebook account... i admit that i hate looking like a fb h0e - always posting pictures of my favorite people and the exciting things that i'm doing (i secretly like thinking/wishing people might be jealous). [insert devious laughter here: muhahah] but my desire to capture the memorable moments in my life far outweighs the insecurities of the potential "fb wh0re" label.

why do i take so many pictures all the time? well, because it means a lot to me that i'm able to access my rolodex of memories via laptop/phone/internet and relive them whenever i want. (additionally, i am a trained SLP so it's natural that i use proper visual cues while explaining people, places, and things haha) most importantly, i confess i am somewhat of a sentimental, strolling-down-memory-lane kind of girl. there are definitely gaps in my life and it feels like a lost frame in time that i'll never regain =( it makes me sad that many parts of my life are forever missing because i was either too young to remember or i don't have any pictures to look back on and know where i come from.  well, i didn't want to go into the details of why these pictures don't exist, but then what kind of self-actualization/emotional recovery post would this be?!?!

1. back in the day, my poor parents didn't have the luxury to follow us around with a camera/camcorder
2. my brother was the 1st born and somehow, they forgot or lost interest in taking pictures of their 2nd born child (i know! can you believe it? dazzling, star-quality, prima donna, lime-light loving, ME!)
3. i have somewhat of a very complicated and whirlwind family history, so unfortunately, much of my timeline is still a big ? n/a unknown =/
4. this is my way of dealing with my lost lineage and avoiding a future identity crisis

Dear future husband,
I hope you're not a person who gets annoyed or embarrassed that I like to take lots of pictures of you, me, and us (all the time). Also, if you didn't catch the drift cuz you didn't read this entry; please take lots of pictures of me!!!! I promise when we meet, I'll be in my prime so you'll probably want to remember me like this. That way, we'll both have keepsakes of our glory days to look back on (and brag about) when we're sipping tea on our porch together, all wrinkly and old. Also, lets take lots of pictures of our babies (but we don't have to blast it on fb) so we can make photo albums and scrapbooks the old fashioned way. Thank you in advance! 

Love,
me

my lucky one...

my latest suspicion is that nicholas sparks is really a woman.

how else do you explain the fact that i don't like sappy chick flicks but somehow, all of the tolerable (dare I say it - my favorite) love stories were written by this MAN! i find this very offensive....

after much research and study, i've concluded that in order to be successful, a romance must have:

1. A mysterious, pensive male character (with a beautiful brooding face and lots of muscles). He may or may not be a military man with deep wounds and secrets that he never speaks of (i.e., Zac Efron, Channing Tatum). This man is usually the strong, silent, masculine type but has such a big, self-less heart that he isn't afraid of expressing his sensitivity and undying devotion through simple words of affirmation and very complicated acts of trust (i.e., Ryan Gosling, Shane West). He is protective, animal loving, and handy (movie doesn't end before he rebuilds a boat or house for her with his bare hands).

2. Enter the seemingly tough, yet feminine heroine with a hot bod, (who may or may not have a child/dog), who acts as if she doesn't want anyone or anything when in reality, she just needs to be nurtured and rescued from some past pains, present bullies, or deep fears of future disappointment and sadness. 

3. Well, boy meets girl... boy loves girl (deeply and faithfully). boy saves girl (secretly/humbly/sacrificially). boy proves himself worthy. lots of breath-taking backdrops (usually one romantic rain scene)... always a church squeezed in somewhere. really awesome first kiss where boy ruggedly grabs girl and then gingerly holds her head in his hands (the best kind!). well, then the rest is history. very romantic history.

funny thing is... it's super cheesy but it always works! (me thinks it works cuz the man loves the woman like Christ loves the church...)

Just for kicks, my Sparksian rank order:
1. The Notebook
2. The Lucky One
3. Dear John
4. The Vow
5. A Walk to Remember
? Safe Haven (2013) !!!

behind the seens

"There is no great with Thee, there is no small,

      For Thou are all, and fillest all in all."

today, i had a newfound appreciation for people who work tirelessly backstage - they truly function as the steel underbelly of the ship, keeping it balanced and afloat beneath the waterline.

i don't envy these types so much as i respect and am in awe of their servant hearts. these "backies" (backstagers) tend to be humble in character and they make maximal sacrifices for minimal glory. mad respect! your houses in heaven will be filled with treasures galore! =]

watching them work with diligence and joy reminds me of the attitude of Jesus Christ, who became so incredibly lowly so that others could be elevated.

of course, i won't sit here and mourn about why i can't be such a person because after years of laborious grumbling, i came to recognize that God has made us all uniquely. and there are certain ways that people are called to be unavoidably visible. it's a blessing and a curse because with such platforms come responsibilities and opportunities to lead and witness with action, conviction, and genuineness. and so, i also respect those who carry much in the limelight and still represent Christ and their industries well (i.e., Tebow). of course, the backstagers make these spotlighters look and sound excellent! hehe

on the flip side, i also recognize that i need to show more patience, grace, and love to the people that i perceive as glory hogs, humble braggers, and recognition fiends. i'm hypersensitive to it and i find it hard to encourage and affirm them, no matter how good the things they do are.... this is another way that i am very self-absorbed  because i myself, have this deep insecurity and paranoia that people may think this very thing of me, that i am vainglorious and lover of the limelight. well, tears of a clown... i don't ask for the attention so much as i just can't control or hide my flamboyant nature! ....gosh, i need more healing!

Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven....  do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. -Matthew 6:1;4

Fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell -Matthew 10:28

light breaks through

The Sovereignty of God ceases to amaze me on a daily basis. As He continues to reveal Himself to me in unique and specific ways, His overwhelming love and desire for His children is made tangible and so very real.

It's a cyclical process... confess He is good and that He provides. Put your faith in Him and sure enough, He comes through and provides. His provision then increases your faith and subsequently, increases the blessing and fruitfulness from it... then you're at your knees again, proclaiming He is go good... wash. rinse. repeat.

Hearing the repentant confession of a broken brother last night reminded me of my own conversion experience, and the ones others have shared with me. the one commonality that threads most stories together is that moment, when the heaviness and seriousness of sin and death penetrates the heart so deeply that one feels the desperate need for God's son, the truth, the light, freedom, forgiveness, peace!

When we are able to weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice, those are the moments that make living truly meaningful.

There is no greater JOY on this earth than witnessing children return to the Father - to see them running into his open arms.

patience is painful

One reason why i really respect and admire people for their discipline is because i have so little of it. =/ in general, staying in a constant state of refraining/abstaining from things that bring joy to life is quite difficult! during this 1 month diet challenge, i was able to stay very strict... until i lost sight of the goal in the final week. why am i doing this again? what am i doing this for? i had to remind myself over and over (for greater health!, to be in shape!, to stop muffining out of your pants!). but losing 5 pounds in 4 days just seemed impossible and daunting as week 4 approached and i started to slip here and there. next thing you know, i'm comforting my disheartened self with these delectable little chocolate covered sunflower seeds! sigh...

another weakness that i've always had is waiting. i am one to exercise delayed gratification in trivial matters (e.g., i will only eat the macaron/shower after i work out, i will hold my pee until the next rest stop)... but true patience has never been one of my virtues.  so i wondered why and i dug deep. i realized that the idea and the act of "waiting" has always been very painful for me. waiting caused me such strife and pent up anger from the expectations that were never met. in grade school, we had to wait so late for my mom to pick us up, even after our after school program ended. almost every time. and my heart would skip with anticipation and hope for every car that i  heard coming down the street... only to be dashed with disappointment when it wasn't her. by the time she came, i was so jaded and bitter that it didn't matter anymore and i would be fighting back tears behind a brow so furrowed, one could mistaken me for a 50 year old man.  it worried me, that people might judge my mom to be irresponsible when in actuality, she was running around (with a stomach ulcer from not being able to eat meals) to keep her business afloat. (maybe this is why i can't stand knowing when people don't have "time to eat" a meal or are so busy that they "forget to eat". i want to feed anything and everything that is hungry... it is a basic human need for goodness sake!) of course i only came to understand these things later on in life.  as a child, i was embarrassed by it and felt like we were never important enough to remember to pick up on time.

some days my mom would forget or not have time to pack our lunches (our tiny private school didn't offer hot lunch) and promise that she would drop by with something. so i would wait there - hungry, embarrassed, and expecting someone to come by. (i really envied the one boy, Dennis, whose mother always packed him a giant cooler of food, snacks, and juice boxes! i was convinced that she sure loved him a whole lot!!) one time, in 2nd grade, i had to eat McDonald's in the classroom while everyone else did a reading exercise after lunch because my dad came so late. i probably had indigestion from the salty tears that ended up in my very unHappy meal. sigh... this reminds me we ate a lot of Micky D's growing up. i have a theory that i hate coke-a-cola because the taste of it brings back repressed childhood memories...

as i got older, in order to deal, i gave up having expectations and depending on people who constantly let me down. i knew from a young age that if you wanted something done, you'd have to do it yourself! trust no one.  so i took care of the motherly business: shopped for the groceries, packed our lunches, walked home from school, and i definitely never volunteered my mom for any of the "extracurricular" help that was required. (one time i signed her up to help with an art project and she came 1 hour late and left 30 min early... i was so stressed waiting for her! and then i was just sad when she left cuz of work).

anyways, i went off on a lot of sad and painful tangents. but basically, waiting has and always will be hard for me because i'm afraid to place my trust in something out of my own control. why do i even have to wait? what am i waiting for? am i even waiting for the right thing? why does it drives me nuts not knowing when to expect something? will i be jaded and resentful when the waiting actually ends? will i be able to wait? can i trust that what i want will still be there? will it still be what i want?


Lord, keep me joyful and bring me peace, knowing you are beside me through it all. Building up a relationship with you while I wait for anything in life is what I strive for because it is so worth it! Your timing and plan for me is perfect. I can only cling to your promises of greatness and wait upon you, Lord.

2 Corinthians 4:16  - Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

Isaiah 41:10 - Fear not, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed. I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.

"must love dogs"

walking around nyc, you see a lot of people with their dogs. all sorts of dogs from the big hairy ones, the thick wrinkly stinky lookin ones, to the tiny little princess pups. i love seeing them all. i wish i had enough hand sanitizer in my purse to pet them more often... =/  dogs in nyc are so well trained and just itching to be petted after being cooped up all day! their owners are pretty friendly too (although once in a while you'll just get straight up snubbed as you're bending down to pet their dog).

one thing that i find really endearing about guys with pets is their ability to share themselves with another. guys with dogs tend to be more friendly and nice. they also have no fear when it comes to investing their hearts into mortal creatures who may or may not stay by them forever (can we say emotionally available?). these are guys who can recognize that the risks are well worth the rewards. they aren't afraid to choose, commit, and love. they are also responsible, committed, affectionate, and giving cuz that is the minimal requirement for having a pet. (next time you see a cute guy with a dog, watch how he pets his animal and you'll notice he suddenly looks even cuter. lol)

i once dated a guy who wasn't very expressive by any means... but he used to reach into the glass aquarium and pull out his mom's pet iguana (kinda weird now that i think about it). albeit iguanas aren't really that "pettable" - he did so in the most idiosyncratically gentle way. i could detect a bond of intimacy and trust between reptile and human from that tender one finger stroke.... it just made my heart melt to pieces. =]

leaning towards gleaning

they say every element of life is fully addressed in the bible.
        even romance? i ask...  
      yes! answers God.
        how?where? i ask....  
    Boaz & Ruth. answers God.
        oh, now i see. says i.  
    tolda ya so~ says God (squiggly and all).

Call me a romantic but Boaz was the original Prince Charming, superman before it was super, the first Casanova.

He knows what a girl wants:
1) protection - Boaz told Ruth not to glean in any others' field except his. He said his men would protect her within the confines of his land. how bold and romantic! i'm especially sensitive about this because i have a long-withstanding theory that my childhood wounds left me feeling vulnerable, unprotected, and alone a lot of times. my older brother was never really "protective"- more of a bully. and no one but my grandmother really stood up for me and my feelings (which is why i really cherish her to this day).  i wasn't born with a "strong" and "hard shell" personality. it was an adaptive strategy to fend for and protect myself. but now as i grow older, i realize it's a whole lot of work and i just want to let go. i don't want to hold back my tears for fear of looking weak and feminine. and i want to be with someone that i can trust will be noble enough to step up to the plate and take over. He will have my back, stand up for me, and be on my side, always - so i can feel stable, protected, and safe - physically and emotionally.

2) acceptance - Boaz saw Ruth in her times of need, in her lowest of position. instead of reprimanding her for scavenging the leftover harvest or finding her desperation disgusting, he found compassion in his heart for her. he offered her superfluous amounts of wheat, wine, and delicious meals. he saw her beauty and the glimpse of who she could become. (little did he know that she would become King David's grandmother!) oh how beautiful it is for someone to see another pre-glory and still accept, love, and appreciate them. so then, how much more love are we capable of as we continue to transform and grow in Christ?

3) favoritism - he picked her. he favored her. with confidence, grace, and generosity he took a great risk and gained a great reward.  i have this deep need to feel like the favorite. (yes, of course it stems from childhood, why do you even ask!). growing up i never felt like the favored child, or even like a real daughter (since my family always teased me about being the adopted black sheep, besides other issues). so i feel very loved when someone treats me special and when i receive favor. lately, i feel like God's favorite and it has been rejuvenating and restoring peace in all the shattered pieces of my broken little-girl heart (i know, i can be dramatic.... humor me.)

4) proud proclamation - Boaz proclaimed to his men that she could glean anywhere, anytime and he wasn't ashamed of it. i also have this deep insecurity (often times fueled by past mistreatment) that i am an embarrassing person to date, let alone associate with (secret dating is never a good thing -_-). so i find it to be of the utmost romanticest when men aren't ashamed to proclaim their love for a woman and call her his own. every girl wants to belong to someone (besides God). one day, one man will unashamedly proclaim his favor and commitment to me and i shall be greatly grateful to him all my life for it. yep, it only takes ONE! =]

Dear "Boaz",
the day i meet you,
i promise to glean only in your field...
all day long.
forever.

Dear more important God,
i promise not to put "Boaz" on a pedestal.
please help me keep my eyes on the prize.
thank you.
amen.

stock piled

okay. i confess... i have PDS: Perpetual Disaster Syndrome.

when hurricane Sandy hit, it was apparent that nobody within a 1 mile radius could starve even if they tried. why? because i've always been somewhat of a hoarder. so yeah, our apt was well prepared even before those crazy winds and rain and moon tide conceived Sandy!

i thought about why i have this 병 and it definitely stems from childhood. my older brother ate his food faster than i could blink and then always came after mine (he also called me fat and said he was doing me a good deed -_- but that childhood trauma I will save for another rainy day). to me, a meal was a struggle between slowly enjoying my food and forcing myself to rush so that it wouldn't get taken away. as a combative strategy,  i always had a back-up plan: 1 for me, 1 for brother, and another 1 for me in case he pillaged my first. 

i could stop at that reflection of my PDS... but that would only be a superficial analysis of my heart condition. the reality is that i want security. even my roommates notice that i get my panties in a bunch when our stock pile diminishes.... i feel safe when i'm surrounded by a never-ending wall of toilet paper and sacks of white rice. even my purse is a Mary Poppins bag of tricks and supplies. i find security in knowing i am prepared no matter what kind of disaster should strike.... but geez, witnessing Sandy or, actually - seeing God's mighty hand over our earth - leaves me thinking: can we ever really be prepared?

Matthew 6:25-34  “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life.... But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

three

 after 1 year of working on a list that was continuously growing i have decided that it all comes down to 3 ABSOLUTE non-negotiables, the rest are just [strong] preferences or synonyms for:

1. HUMBLE
2. SELF-LESS
3. RELIABLE

Basically, the characteristics that make Christ, Jesus Christ.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Edit:

FOUR

Humble
Empathetic
Reliable
Self-less

teaching parallels

The other day as I sat in a new teacher workshop, the speaker said we should be hitting the Disillusionment phase. I immediately saw this as a parallel to the phases found in new Christian life at the beginning of our relationship with God (and I suppose romantic relationships as well, but I even start that dialogue right now).

• Anticipation - Teachers are eager and excited about their initial teaching assignment.  They have “big plans” about how it is going to be.   
• Survival - Reality hits.  New teachers can become overwhelmed with all the aspects of the job they didn’t anticipate.  They are working 60 hour weeks.  They still maintain their enthusiasm but are getting tired.  
• Disillusionment - New teachers are working hard, but feel they are not getting anywhere.  They are shocked at reality and wondering if this is the right profession for them.  Illness often characterizes this phase.  This phase also corresponds with parent conferences, first report cards, back-to-school night, and the first evaluation conference!! 
• Rejuvenation - New teachers have just had a few weeks off for winter break.  They have completed half the year and can see the end in sight.  They have gained some coping strategies to manage the problems they may encounter.  They begin to feel a sense of confidence.  They begin to focus on curriculum development. They are more optimistic about their capabilities. 
• Reflection - Towards the end of the year, new teachers begin to reflect on changes that they want to make for the next year.  They begin to critically analyze the past year, thinking ahead to what they will change for next year.

Steps towards coping with the Disillusionment Phase:
      1. Avoid highs and lows.
      2. Let go of perfectionism.
      3. Expect obstacles.
      4. Seek support.

Plug and chug "Christian" with the word "teacher" and you can see that with any meaningful and transforming event in life, there will always be stages of self-discovery, high energy, disappointment, struggle, loss, gain, reawakening, reflection, sorrow, and joy. However, the difference is that we don't rely on ourselves because we are too prone to sin and failure. Thank God we can always go to Him for wisdom and strength to win victories....

Isaiah 55:8-9  “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Proverbs 3:5 - Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.

daddy's girl

this weekend, there were so many awkward but silly and very endearing moments! praise God that our lives are so filled with idiosyncratic people and events, big and little!

i must say that when it comes to weddings, my favorite part is the moment between newlyweds and parents. it's the only time i cry a little bit. at Y & J's wedding on saturday, what began as a seemingly typical and polished waltz between father & daughter turned into a deeply poignant moment - indescribable by words... just feelable. when she drew her daddy tight around the neck and cried on his shoulder like a little girl, all that came flooding to me was a perceived lifetime of memories, gratitude, longing, painful separation, sweet parting, and slight fear for the unforeseen changes to come without each other. that made me miss my dad very much too. and then i thought to myself (oh boy, every bride needs super waterproof mascara on her wedding day!) hee hee. oh how sentimental our hearts can be! * mine just happens to become tender at the sight of a parent/child bond.

Lord be with little Evie.....

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. - Hebrews 11:6

fruitless

Psalm 139:23-24: Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!

people generally praise my high level of self-awareness and depth of understanding. however, this is often followed by genuine curiosity about why i am unable to apply this knowledge to my life in a practical manner [...]

the truth is that sin and deception are so deeply woven into our psyches, personalities, reactions, and habitual tendencies that it's hard to break free from such chains, especially subtle ones.
this is why we must rely on a high power other than our own intellect and problem solving skills. yes, faith and trust in Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.

in the mean time, it's selfish of me to pretend i'm healthy enough to engage in a stable and fruitful relationship with someone i care about.  i'm still wounded and therefore self-centered, and too tempted not to meet my own needs first.

of course, that doesn't make it okay and it definitely means i need to work even harder!

Isaiah 41:10 - So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.