little by little bit

so here is my typical end of the year reflection wrap-up entry. but i won't complain about the things that i failed to do, the regrets about the things that i did do, or the things that i wish i had done but disappointingly did not. instead, i want to give a shout out to the One who made everything happen for me.

Thank you Lord that:
1) i graduated (with a very meaningful vindication moment!!!!!) PTLPTLPTL! (this would make complete sense to you if you've been with me through my Hunter clinic experience). 
2) i was so divinely blessed with a GREAT job that i LOVE everything about.
3) i met so many solid brothers and sisters of Christ, who, one way or another, patiently and relentlessly proved to me that i am lovable and that above all- You love me tirelessly no matter what i say, do, want, or think.
4) You stretched me, grew me, met me, loved on me, restored me, deeply healed me, blessed me, and called me "My Beloved" in so many uncountable ways.
5) i celebrated as many of my loved ones progressed towards the milestones of life (e.g., engagement, marriage, babies) and also mourned with those who were called home to be in heaven with you. Lord, Blessed be Your Name.

i hadn't heard this simple throwback since childhood until i caught my brother randomly playing/singing it at the beginning of this year. that moment was so significant to me because it was how i first knew that Christ had really saved and changed his heart (tear)...  then i couldn't stop singing it on and off throughout 2012 as i realized how much Jesus was really guiding me through the different seasons. this is the Song of the Year because i believe Jesus really, really changed me so much, yet He has so much left to teach me!

2010: the Year of Greatness
2011: the Year of Reckoning
2012: the Year of Jubilee
2013: the Year of Provision..... here we go!

role reversal

as i sat her down and blow dried her hair, a flood of memories overwhelmed me all at once.  my eyes began to mist over as i thought about how much our roles have reversed. as a child, my grandmother was the only person i could trust and rely on. her love was always constant. i never questioned whether she cared for me and if i was her favorite (cuz i was and she wasn't afraid to make it known). she always treated me with such tenderness and care and was always on my side to fight for me and protect me from all things (even my own mother sometimes).

as i swept my hands through her still dark hair, i realized she is the one from whom i've inherited my luscious locks, not to mention my stubborn will, fierce courage, and silly sass. now, at the age of 88, she's dwindled down to a tiny mouse-sized version of herself. she sits at the twilight of her life, with a fragile and child-like dependency, and it saddens me so.

i guess one of the reasons why i've always wanted to marry young is so that she could have the chance to hold my children in her arms and enjoy them. likewise, i really want my children to experience her tenderness just as i've known it, so we could both have that joint understanding. she never minds me climbing all over her little body for physical affection and to this day, i still say that i know he'll be the one because i'll be able sit and wrap my arms/legs around him comfortably, just as i do with her.  i always make her promise that she'll be at my wedding and i can't even begin to think of how she might be gone before i can introduce her to my husband... or else i'll cry.

my mom has always been the most sacrificial of her siblings (no question as to why she is my grandma's favorite child of seven). albeit she hasn't always had the best opportunity to practice her maternal mothering on us during my own childhood, seeing her take care of my delicate grandma now makes me feel warm and tender inside. it reminds me that we are all called to express our servant-hearts in our own way. i know personalities and physiques are inherited but i wonder if hearts are genetically passed down too. if so, i hope mine is as large and thriving as my mom's (and her mom's).

life is strange but beautiful.... because our God is so mysterious.

Oh Holy Night

 Simply moved by the truth, serenity, and beauty of this poem:

Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Till he appear'd and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn!

Fall on your knees
Oh hear the angel voices
Oh night, divine!
Oh night when Christ was born.

Truly He taught us to love one another
His law is love and His gospel is peace
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother
And in His name all oppression shall cease
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
With all our hearts we praise His holy name.

Christ is the Lord! Then ever, ever praise we,
His power and glory ever more proclaim!
Let all within us praise His holy name

not very civil

 

the other day, I went to Brooklyn for a teacher's training. it wasn't until lunchtime that i realized we were sitting in the school library. so i took the liberty of perusing the shelves. i was aghast at how new all of the books were.  i was the first person EVER to open most of them! (i could tell at the crisp sound of the binding and saw the pages free of grubby fingerprints). well, God blessed me with 2 epiphanies for the day:

1) it made me really sad, not just for the books themselves (Toy Story reminds me that toys want to be played with and books want to be read; we must all live out our purposes!) but at the idea that the children in this school (among many others in District 75) will never EVER have the opportunity to enjoy the simple pleasure of reading a book.....devastation! they will never know the magical world of harry potter, the intimate details of the Civil War, the beautiful pictures in Horses & Ponies! it just breaks my heart.

and then i thought about how they would never be able to access God's living WORD. (of course, God's love transcends cognitive delays and the Holy Spirit works despite iniquity and disability because God is ABLE.) but the simple truth remains that some were created with more special needs which may or may not be fully met... ironic that the training topic was about AAC (Augmentative and Alternative Communication) devices.

2) i picked up a book about the Civil War and this also made me very sad. how could so many men disagree about the very reason they traveled to America in the first place, to the point of slaughting each other? i guess both sides had very different ideas of freedom and opportunity. but the book reminds me that at one point, they were all on one team with one goal - then divergent ideas/misdirected desires/stubborn wills split one camp into two. and then they went down in history  for creating the bloodiest war ever fought in America. isn't it scary how much satan loves to create division; within the church, within families, within our friendships? the struggle, hate, resistance, self-importance, pride, withholding - that comes raging out of all of us... (and i can say that from much personal experience =/) this world needs a Savior SO BADLY. (sorry superman, batman, spidey - this is a job even too great for you guys!) honestly, it made my heart yearn for heaven on earth.

love hurts

"I once heard Joyce Meyer say that you CANNOT love someone without giving something up. Call it compromise, call it whatever, but if you really think about, its the truth. Love really does hurt. There's no way that it can't. You can't keep acting like a single person, or keep doing the same things that you used to do if you're in a relationship. There's a part of each of you that has to "give" or "die" so that the relationship can survive and have a "life" of its own. And this goes for all types of relationships, not just the romantic kind.

The same goes for our relationship with God and being Christians. Loving God can and will hurt sometimes because of our sinful nature and the nature of the world. But the rewards of pushing through that fleeting moment of pain is everlasting. Because we don't find true comfort in other people or things, but rather from the fact we've accepted what Jesus has done for us."

-James Constantino

picture perfect

there are so many reasons behind the things that people value and the things that people do. we'll never fully understand it from their point of view.... but it's what makes people unique and what makes life absolutely interesting! needless to say, it's important to get to know individuals on a deeper level so you can understand and appreciate them for the way they function! (yes, and i will say it again: quality time, vulnerability, and intimacy are very important to building solid foundations for a stable relationship).

to explain some of the reasoning behind the phenomena of my facebook account... i admit that i hate looking like a fb h0e - always posting pictures of my favorite people and the exciting things that i'm doing (i secretly like thinking/wishing people might be jealous). [insert devious laughter here: muhahah] but my desire to capture the memorable moments in my life far outweighs the insecurities of the potential "fb wh0re" label.

why do i take so many pictures all the time? well, because it means a lot to me that i'm able to access my rolodex of memories via laptop/phone/internet and relive them whenever i want. (additionally, i am a trained SLP so it's natural that i use proper visual cues while explaining people, places, and things haha) most importantly, i confess i am somewhat of a sentimental, strolling-down-memory-lane kind of girl. there are definitely gaps in my life and it feels like a lost frame in time that i'll never regain =( it makes me sad that many parts of my life are forever missing because i was either too young to remember or i don't have any pictures to look back on and know where i come from.  well, i didn't want to go into the details of why these pictures don't exist, but then what kind of self-actualization/emotional recovery post would this be?!?!

1. back in the day, my poor parents didn't have the luxury to follow us around with a camera/camcorder
2. my brother was the 1st born and somehow, they forgot or lost interest in taking pictures of their 2nd born child (i know! can you believe it? dazzling, star-quality, prima donna, lime-light loving, ME!)
3. i have somewhat of a very complicated and whirlwind family history, so unfortunately, much of my timeline is still a big ? n/a unknown =/
4. this is my way of dealing with my lost lineage and avoiding a future identity crisis

Dear future husband,
I hope you're not a person who gets annoyed or embarrassed that I like to take lots of pictures of you, me, and us (all the time). Also, if you didn't catch the drift cuz you didn't read this entry; please take lots of pictures of me!!!! I promise when we meet, I'll be in my prime so you'll probably want to remember me like this. That way, we'll both have keepsakes of our glory days to look back on (and brag about) when we're sipping tea on our porch together, all wrinkly and old. Also, lets take lots of pictures of our babies (but we don't have to blast it on fb) so we can make photo albums and scrapbooks the old fashioned way. Thank you in advance! 

Love,
me

my lucky one...

my latest suspicion is that nicholas sparks is really a woman.

how else do you explain the fact that i don't like sappy chick flicks but somehow, all of the tolerable (dare I say it - my favorite) love stories were written by this MAN! i find this very offensive....

after much research and study, i've concluded that in order to be successful, a romance must have:

1. A mysterious, pensive male character (with a beautiful brooding face and lots of muscles). He may or may not be a military man with deep wounds and secrets that he never speaks of (i.e., Zac Efron, Channing Tatum). This man is usually the strong, silent, masculine type but has such a big, self-less heart that he isn't afraid of expressing his sensitivity and undying devotion through simple words of affirmation and very complicated acts of trust (i.e., Ryan Gosling, Shane West). He is protective, animal loving, and handy (movie doesn't end before he rebuilds a boat or house for her with his bare hands).

2. Enter the seemingly tough, yet feminine heroine with a hot bod, (who may or may not have a child/dog), who acts as if she doesn't want anyone or anything when in reality, she just needs to be nurtured and rescued from some past pains, present bullies, or deep fears of future disappointment and sadness. 

3. Well, boy meets girl... boy loves girl (deeply and faithfully). boy saves girl (secretly/humbly/sacrificially). boy proves himself worthy. lots of breath-taking backdrops (usually one romantic rain scene)... always a church squeezed in somewhere. really awesome first kiss where boy ruggedly grabs girl and then gingerly holds her head in his hands (the best kind!). well, then the rest is history. very romantic history.

funny thing is... it's super cheesy but it always works! (me thinks it works cuz the man loves the woman like Christ loves the church...)

Just for kicks, my Sparksian rank order:
1. The Notebook
2. The Lucky One
3. Dear John
4. The Vow
5. A Walk to Remember
? Safe Haven (2013) !!!

behind the seens

"There is no great with Thee, there is no small,

      For Thou are all, and fillest all in all."

today, i had a newfound appreciation for people who work tirelessly backstage - they truly function as the steel underbelly of the ship, keeping it balanced and afloat beneath the waterline.

i don't envy these types so much as i respect and am in awe of their servant hearts. these "backies" (backstagers) tend to be humble in character and they make maximal sacrifices for minimal glory. mad respect! your houses in heaven will be filled with treasures galore! =]

watching them work with diligence and joy reminds me of the attitude of Jesus Christ, who became so incredibly lowly so that others could be elevated.

of course, i won't sit here and mourn about why i can't be such a person because after years of laborious grumbling, i came to recognize that God has made us all uniquely. and there are certain ways that people are called to be unavoidably visible. it's a blessing and a curse because with such platforms come responsibilities and opportunities to lead and witness with action, conviction, and genuineness. and so, i also respect those who carry much in the limelight and still represent Christ and their industries well (i.e., Tebow). of course, the backstagers make these spotlighters look and sound excellent! hehe

on the flip side, i also recognize that i need to show more patience, grace, and love to the people that i perceive as glory hogs, humble braggers, and recognition fiends. i'm hypersensitive to it and i find it hard to encourage and affirm them, no matter how good the things they do are.... this is another way that i am very self-absorbed  because i myself, have this deep insecurity and paranoia that people may think this very thing of me, that i am vainglorious and lover of the limelight. well, tears of a clown... i don't ask for the attention so much as i just can't control or hide my flamboyant nature! ....gosh, i need more healing!

Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven....  do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. -Matthew 6:1;4

Fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell -Matthew 10:28

light breaks through

The Sovereignty of God ceases to amaze me on a daily basis. As He continues to reveal Himself to me in unique and specific ways, His overwhelming love and desire for His children is made tangible and so very real.

It's a cyclical process... confess He is good and that He provides. Put your faith in Him and sure enough, He comes through and provides. His provision then increases your faith and subsequently, increases the blessing and fruitfulness from it... then you're at your knees again, proclaiming He is go good... wash. rinse. repeat.

Hearing the repentant confession of a broken brother last night reminded me of my own conversion experience, and the ones others have shared with me. the one commonality that threads most stories together is that moment, when the heaviness and seriousness of sin and death penetrates the heart so deeply that one feels the desperate need for God's son, the truth, the light, freedom, forgiveness, peace!

When we are able to weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice, those are the moments that make living truly meaningful.

There is no greater JOY on this earth than witnessing children return to the Father - to see them running into his open arms.

patience is painful

One reason why i really respect and admire people for their discipline is because i have so little of it. =/ in general, staying in a constant state of refraining/abstaining from things that bring joy to life is quite difficult! during this 1 month diet challenge, i was able to stay very strict... until i lost sight of the goal in the final week. why am i doing this again? what am i doing this for? i had to remind myself over and over (for greater health!, to be in shape!, to stop muffining out of your pants!). but losing 5 pounds in 4 days just seemed impossible and daunting as week 4 approached and i started to slip here and there. next thing you know, i'm comforting my disheartened self with these delectable little chocolate covered sunflower seeds! sigh...

another weakness that i've always had is waiting. i am one to exercise delayed gratification in trivial matters (e.g., i will only eat the macaron/shower after i work out, i will hold my pee until the next rest stop)... but true patience has never been one of my virtues.  so i wondered why and i dug deep. i realized that the idea and the act of "waiting" has always been very painful for me. waiting caused me such strife and pent up anger from the expectations that were never met. in grade school, we had to wait so late for my mom to pick us up, even after our after school program ended. almost every time. and my heart would skip with anticipation and hope for every car that i  heard coming down the street... only to be dashed with disappointment when it wasn't her. by the time she came, i was so jaded and bitter that it didn't matter anymore and i would be fighting back tears behind a brow so furrowed, one could mistaken me for a 50 year old man.  it worried me, that people might judge my mom to be irresponsible when in actuality, she was running around (with a stomach ulcer from not being able to eat meals) to keep her business afloat. (maybe this is why i can't stand knowing when people don't have "time to eat" a meal or are so busy that they "forget to eat". i want to feed anything and everything that is hungry... it is a basic human need for goodness sake!) of course i only came to understand these things later on in life.  as a child, i was embarrassed by it and felt like we were never important enough to remember to pick up on time.

some days my mom would forget or not have time to pack our lunches (our tiny private school didn't offer hot lunch) and promise that she would drop by with something. so i would wait there - hungry, embarrassed, and expecting someone to come by. (i really envied the one boy, Dennis, whose mother always packed him a giant cooler of food, snacks, and juice boxes! i was convinced that she sure loved him a whole lot!!) one time, in 2nd grade, i had to eat McDonald's in the classroom while everyone else did a reading exercise after lunch because my dad came so late. i probably had indigestion from the salty tears that ended up in my very unHappy meal. sigh... this reminds me we ate a lot of Micky D's growing up. i have a theory that i hate coke-a-cola because the taste of it brings back repressed childhood memories...

as i got older, in order to deal, i gave up having expectations and depending on people who constantly let me down. i knew from a young age that if you wanted something done, you'd have to do it yourself! trust no one.  so i took care of the motherly business: shopped for the groceries, packed our lunches, walked home from school, and i definitely never volunteered my mom for any of the "extracurricular" help that was required. (one time i signed her up to help with an art project and she came 1 hour late and left 30 min early... i was so stressed waiting for her! and then i was just sad when she left cuz of work).

anyways, i went off on a lot of sad and painful tangents. but basically, waiting has and always will be hard for me because i'm afraid to place my trust in something out of my own control. why do i even have to wait? what am i waiting for? am i even waiting for the right thing? why does it drives me nuts not knowing when to expect something? will i be jaded and resentful when the waiting actually ends? will i be able to wait? can i trust that what i want will still be there? will it still be what i want?


Lord, keep me joyful and bring me peace, knowing you are beside me through it all. Building up a relationship with you while I wait for anything in life is what I strive for because it is so worth it! Your timing and plan for me is perfect. I can only cling to your promises of greatness and wait upon you, Lord.

2 Corinthians 4:16  - Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

Isaiah 41:10 - Fear not, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed. I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.