fat bro

the first time i talk talked to my brother since i left home and it went like this:

Daniel: you fat peeg
me: what do you waaant
Daniel: when you start school
well dont be a pig at school
is jessica going to school there
what the hell you been doing there all this time
me: i been working! i am working now
Daniel: ok fine you pig and call home
because people want to know what you doing there.
me: what happened to the hummingbird, did it really die???
Daniel: it is still up there on teh ledge
becoming a mummy
me: i call halmuny but she no pick up ever
Daniel: ok shut up
go to work
bye
me: no! working at cafe making me fat
i quit!! and catch the humming and set it free
Daniel: he ded
me: no!!! save it!
Daniel: stupid it been deh for like one week already
it rotting
or ants might eat
the house has ants all over
one night i come home and they all on my desk and bed
so i sleep in your room
me: HAHAHA
don't sleep in my bed
you smell like poo
who been using my bed?
Daniel: doggies pooed on your yoga mat
no one use your room
except watch tv and i play game sometimes
me: you stupid! they think it is the diaper pad
cuz it is the same color
Daniel: probably haha stupid
me: no you is the stupid. dogs are color blind!
Daniel: well they can see shades
so its the same shade to them
you stupid
you dont know anything
me: fine. clean the poo up
it better not be dry and crusty when i get back in dec
Daniel: you think its a big party over there
u and jessica and julie the three pigs go party every night
you supposed to be studying
me: no!
we study every night
and then pray and go to bed early
and eat munchies and get fat
Daniel: stupid
Daniel: ok pig you be smart
did you use the self defense moves i taught you
me: yes i did
it working very good
i use it on julie when she being stupid to me
Daniel: ok fine bye

jules says

this is ME down to the T:
if you don't know... now ya know.

Leo
Your psychological nature is powerful and full of self-confidence. You are a leader whose strength and nobleness command your entourage’s respect and adherence, with unchallenged legitimacy. Your ability to order, the prestige and charisma that emanate continuously from your person inevitably put you, under the spotlight, wherever you go.

With this Ascendant, you come across as proud, determined, wilful, loyal, solemn, generous, ambitious, courageous, heroic, full of vitality, creative, confident, seductive, happy, daring, majestic, honest, magnanimous, charismatic, responsible, noble, brilliant, radiant, dramatic, affectionate, full of humour, demonstrative, swaggering and self-confident. You can also be domineering, conceited, touchy, authoritarian, stubborn, intolerant, self-centered, irascible, violent, and nonchalant.

The Ascendant (or rising sign) is often considered the mask one wears when meeting others. Perhaps it is most aptly thought of as the automatic responses to one's environment. The Ascendant shows our natural defenses and how we cope with day-to-day issues. The energies of the sign and condition of the Ascendant are most overt and obvious to others. The Ascendant shows an individual's first, natural reaction to new people and situations.

to calculate yours: http://www.astrologycom.com/ascalc.html

pauper to prince

well, we're definitely moving on up. from a tiny hallway closet to a spacious condo. living is now living.

except, being here is bittersweet. it's so still and quiet.. and far from the city life. don't get me wrong, i love having time to myself to reflect and recuperate from being around the hustle and bustle. but at the same time, it makes me feel very lonely. being an extrovert in long island city is gonna be hard!

i can see where luxury can bring a sort of emptiness inside. there's just too much space from here to there, with absolutely nothing and no one to fill it with....

my roommates have more options than i do. they have a special someone to run off with and hold them and tell them secrets and keep them warm during the harsh ny winter.... but me? my only retreat is here! where can i run off to? how warm could a teddy bear keep me?

alone... i've been single for a full year now? (and i'm pretty good at it too.) it's been so so so great. epic! but it is slowly dawning on me that i need something more... perhaps it's the oncoming autumn? i want a dog so badly... for warmth, companionship, and just something to take care of and bring me little bits of happiness each day. if i get a dog, i think i could stay single for a good 4 more years.
(dog > guy)
but then again... (guys=dogs)
so i will accept whichever side of the equation appears first...
hehe... just kidding. i want me a puppy.

zap!

My friend was telling me recently about the previous owner of zappos and how he ran his company in a way that promoted self-motivation and authentic passion from his employees.

In fact, zappos would pay you a lump sum (of $6,000?) if and when you left their company. This would ensure that those working for zappos believed in the mission statement and genuinely WANTED to be there. Even with that whopper of a carrot dangling in front of their faces, they chose to work rather than get free money.... Genius. why don’t more companies do this?

When it comes to relationships, I take a similar policy to zappos. I’ve grown more confident over the years, (perhaps as a direct result of my callousness) and I don’t see a need to be needy. If a (real) man wants to be with me, he will. So why worry that he might leave me for someone else? That would be to his total and utter detriment anyways…. Yes, I trust in my own worthiness, but I also give this hypothetical partner the benefit of the doubt that he recognizes the treasure that he has (ho ho ho). And if he doesn’t want it anymore, by all means; here are 6,000+ (very expensive) memories. Take them and go~

Live long and prosper!

tourist trap

new york, new york.

ah, the sound of their rounded a's pronounced as o's. the outward vocalization of every complaint and thought. the bangs of murses and brusque briefcases against my thighs.... i bask in it daily.

i'm slowly beginning to lose what little ounce of patience and manners i previously had and conform to the way of the old yorker.

the thing about big city folks is that they're misunderstood! it's not like they lack warmth or love. They're not mean people out to get you. They just know that the city runs smoother a certain way, and they project that way onto others who just aren't as experienced.

in fact, they can be very kind, affectionate... full of very tough love. just don't ever get in their way or stand on the left side of the escalator. be efficient and mindful and you're sure to get on their good side!

no time to be sensitive. just follow orders and do it their way or risk belittlement and ego tearing pain.

shape up or ship out.

viva la nueva york!

i [can't afford to] ♥ ny

one great thing about being away from home is missing everything about it and realizing how i've taken it all for granted...

an even greater thing is when home misses you!! (specifically parents) they're so nice to me! as if they have forgotten all the trouble i've ever caused... and i've caused my share of trouble... puhaha! what dummies!.... lovable, sentimental dummies!!

i should probaby feel bad about calling my parents when i need korean food recipes or to whine for more money... but i don't cuz i know they want to give give give cuz they misssss meeeeeeeee~~~~ ♥♡♥♡

i like to pretend i'm a big, independent city girl. but i admit i am far, faaaar away land from it. yes, call me childish and immature... and utterly dependent. but i ain't complainin'


....a part of me never wants to go back.
(a very big part of me!)

le cycle

for one reason or another, we've found ourselves returning to this place every weekend. most of the time it comes down to friends from out of town wanting a loud place to experience the NY night life. other times, it's an invitation by people we know in the second degree who just want girls to fill a space (and enjoy our company while we enjoy their fully paid in alcohol).

if i stopped there, i would only be scratching the surface of the matter. cuz there's always an underlying, deep rooted issue behind the things we do or do not do... right?

we choose circle over all the others in this vast city because it allows you a safe place to let loose, in the presence of those who have similar backgrounds and expectations, so you don't feel too uncomfortable. ( i.e. other koreans.)

but it basically boils down to a cheap thrill. when you're single, you unknowingly have an appetite for closeness, warmth, some sort of affection. i'm gonna be frank and say that girls just want to be held sometimes. whether it be by a friend at church, or by a random moderately attractive stranger in a loud nightclub... we just want to feel wanted. dun matta that it's only for 5 minutes. dun matta that it's too dark to even see our faces. it's the fast food"take whatever i can get" mentality. but at what point does it ever feel like enough? how far will we go to experience just a little bit of mutual attraction for the night? why the endless cycle of wasting perfectly good weekends, hoping to satiate a hunger that probably can never be satisfied? and what is the point? especially when others don't have such [innocent] intentions....which then leaves too much room for miscommunication which can lead to confusion and anger... shudder.

i think it's about time to give it all up and just be content.

for now.

saying goodbye to someone when the next hello is uncertain? it's the THE WORST. this is not a goodbye for now, see you soon! kind of bye, this is a i want to say to your face: freaking take care of yourself and don't do anything stupid or else many people will be pissed at you and you better come back safe!! kind of goodbye that you end up not being able to vocalize because your throat is all closed up from your eyes trying to eat up as much sight as it can and your brain trying to catalog those last moments into your permanent memory....... you know those kinds??

how can you not feel a teary eyed concoction of fuzzy sadness, worry, regret, disturbia... in those last fleeting moments?

Godspeed... a very buzz-lightning-Godspeed!

deal maker to deal breaker

when I was younger, i used to be able to find the good in everyone. and it used to be enough. but i find that as i get older, (wiser, jadeder, and more cynical in general), it's much easier to notice the bad qualities in people and let that judgment prevail.

when it came to guys, i was able to make deals with myself by seeing them through a blinded lense of youth and innocence. i was able to focus on only the attractive, unique, or good aspects of their personalities or looks, so other things didn't seem so important. e.g. he's such a good listener. he's very loyal....oh but his eyebrows are so dense and full of intellectual prowess...

now, i can only see through a microscopic lense that first finds faults and weaknesses in people.


10 years ago, if the dating game had been a game of Deal or No Deal, i would have opened maybe three shiny cases and succumbed to the banker on the other end of the line, satisfied with a mediocre package. but now, my greed and self absorption don't allow me to settle for any deals or for any cases, no matter how risky it seems to pass them up. instead, i deny myself opportunities, determined to win the biggest prize that I will allow myself to settle for.

the question is: is there enough behind all that silver to even satiate my growing greed? or will nothing make me happy?.....