colors of the wind

i've always been someone who lives life in color.

they say i have a "colorful" and "dynamic" personality... so naturally, i am drawn to vividness and animated things... (i do prefer rainbow cakes and pastels to boring b&w). color makes life beautiful and interesting!!!!! (gosh, if only rainbow wasn't associated with being gay....i think i've confused many people in my lifetime. haha)

maybe that's why i've always been drawn to the Aurora Lights. (i first learned about them while watching Balto... yes, i saw the Borealis in the form of an animation, but could you imagine how gorgeous they are in real life, then? if they can be so moving in a hand-drawn cartoon?!?)

times like these, i am inspired to step out of my own self for a moment, to realize the grandeur and magnitude of creation. it is then i am assured that God exists. (i also feel this way when i listen to classical music, especially when it's live -Soo Bae on cello).  there is no way anyone other than a good, perfect, creative, elegant God could have come up with such extravagant ways of exposing His existence and lavishing His love onto our self-absorbed human race.

one day, i will stand on a mountain in Alaska just to witness the beauty and magic for myself.
(classical music + life partner optional).

"one day it'll all make sense"

the first week of the new year, my brother and i got into the first real argument of our lives (i'd like refer to it as an adult argument, but we were acting pretty childish).

in the heat of the moment, what i saw as irreconcilable differences and truly valid wrath, God took and redeemed (as He does with all pain and iniquity). although i felt scared, hurt, wronged, and embarrassed by my brother's public foolishness and brash anger, i realized most of the event was reactionary to things that i had done to him first. for that, i am repentant and ask for healing. i ask for humility, courage, patience, and wisdom to love beyond what is reasonable.

through intercessory prayers, a perfectly timed sermon, and prayerful reflection (thanks again for the tools CR),  God exposed to me my own fault and sins: overwhelming pride, lack of self-control, ungodly self-righteousness, unrecognized resentment, and  sense of entitlement.

when i hear sermons about the parable of the prodigal son,  i always empathize with the lost son because i consider myself more of a rebel - turning from God in my selfishness and then running home to His open arms. i guess that's true when i compare my walk with those who have never gone astray, but now i realize it's all relative and that we are never just one or the other (reference: Tim Keller - The Prodigal God) in this situation, and in relation to my own real brother, i seem to function with the older brother's heart. (it amazes me that something so obvious and simple has never come to my attention before.)

growing up i always took care of (챙겨ed for) my brother. in my mother and grandma's absence, what was a "naturally nurturing" girl to do? but in that "service", i grew a sense of pride (i'm the good, responsible one), resentment (my older brother never stepped up to protect and provide for me - i even envied sisters whose brothers would kidnap misbehaving boyfriends to "teach them a lesson" haha) and entitlement (that i didn't have to respect him because he never earned it). but love is never earned, is it? we are called to love and respect each other because God loved us unconditionally when we were so undeserving....well, now that i see with new eyes, it would behoove me to take action.

i also learned that men need to be treated with respect, just as women need to be treated with tenderness and love. (man, they go crazy and get all twisted if you be disrespectin' them!). i won't go into the details of my man-hating heart (still need to work that one out) but needlessness to say, i'm going to be a better sister (express the seriousness of my desire for change), woman, (adding a new new years resolution to my list: treat men with respect), and Christian (love, love, love). i will treat my brother with respect as best i can... i hope he somehow knows this.

I seriously need to memorize this verse:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. -1 Corinthian 13: 4-8

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relocating the bottom

John Piper - Getting to the Bottom of Your Joy (Passion 2011):

"Let it be said, now loud and clear, that John Piper does not deny and never has denied that God makes much of us...Whether those truths, those amazing truths that ought to thrill your soul - yes they should - that God makes much of you that way, should THRILL your soul.

Why? And if the answer is, "because i'm at the bottom and i like to be made much of," then you're not born again. And if the answer is, "because it reveals more of God and equips me more to know him,  treasure him, love him, be satisfied in Him", the you're born again. That's the difference, what's at the bottom...

Why does God, all over the Bible, reveal His acts of love toward us in a way that always shows His design is that He get glory? The answer is: God's love for you, that makes much of His glory, is a greater love for you than if He made you, your supreme treasure.  Why? Because self, no matter how glorious, can NEVER satisfy a heart made from God. It feels so good to the fallen heart. It feels so good to have myself at the bottom and to be made much of. And until they're born again, they can't realize that's not gonna satisfy you. You will never, ever be beautiful enough,  strong enough, wise enough, admirable enough, to be the bottom and bear the weight of all the joy that you want for eternity. It will not bear that weight. It will give way and you will fall into the pit. Only one thing can bear the weight of all the joy that you want to have and that's God.

God loves you. I want you and God wants you to feel loved. You are precious to Him. You are precious to Him. And the gift that He would want me to give you is to say this: I love you and you are so precious to me - that I will not let your preciousness become your God. I will not let your preciousness, to me, become your God. I will be your God - and I alone. "

love thy identity

"i know it says in the Bible that you should love your neighbor as yourself, but what if you hate yourself?"

what a simple, yet poignant question, asked by an innocent 12 year old boy. no doubt that every one of us has, and will struggle with this question as we continue to develop our identity.

i firmly believe that angry and mean people are just very hurt, disappointed, and jaded people who need the healing touch of Christ in their lives. they can't love others because they struggle with loving themselves. i know this because i myself have been a mean, angry person in the past. although i've seen the light and grown much, i still struggle with my feelings and the internal bruises that cause them to rise up (certain people tend to bring it out much quicker than others - you know who you are). safe to say, i'm training myself to express emotions in a healthier, more productive, and acceptable way.

when i look back at the way i've acted in my relationships, i shudder at my lack of self-discovery, stubbornness, pride, and foolishness. i guess that's why hindsight is 20/20, and also why i need to look at my future through God's eyes (trust, hope, peace, joy, in Him alone!).

when i think of the reasons as to why i was so horrid at times, i am reminded of a sermon Pastor Danny gave a while back about adopted children. they often exhibit behavior problems to the detriment of their loving adopted parents. he explained that all human beings have an inherent trust, instilled in us by our parents, who give us unconditional love and nurturing.  however, when a parent abandons their child, that natural foundation of trust and love is broken. so the adopted child attempts to rebuild this foundation in the only way they know how - with badness - prove to me that you love me because i don't believe you. how bad can i be before you leave me too? i'm going to be this bad, do you still love me? i am this unlovable, do you still want me? because they want so badly to believe for themselves that they are loved and wanted....

i often acted like an adopted child in relationships; no level of commitment was enough for me because i had major trust issues. i constantly needed and demanded insatiable levels of affirmation and affection. i was unknowingly functioning on the belief that if my own father (who should have loved me no matter what) was able to leave me at such a young age, what would make another person (a stranger with no obligation) want to stay by my side and love me? ironically enough, this need for emotional support, understanding, and proof of faithfulness always pushed them farther from me. (not entirely my fault that most of the men i chose were not prepared in faith, character, maturity, or steadfastness to love me like Christ loved the church). so then the disappointment, rejection, resentment, and loss of respect crept in until sure enough, all hope was lost.

geez, i went off into the dark crevices of my unseen heart again..... my apologies. well, at least we know CR is doing it's job at busting out all of the skeletons from my inner closet! all i am sure of is that Christ has changed me and i'm so loved by Him that i love myself. now, the challenge is loving others more... hah!

    this year of 2013:

• i will no longer act on these dysfunctional beliefs.
• i will no longer let my own twisted needs cloud my judgment of true character.
• i will be a better Christian by loving my neighbors as myself (in case you didn't know, i love myself a lot...)
• i will have a normal/peaceful relationship with food and a healthier self-body image.
• i will learn to play the guitar.

For God did not give us a Spirit of timidity, but a Spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. -2 Timothy 1:7