love thy identity

"i know it says in the Bible that you should love your neighbor as yourself, but what if you hate yourself?"

what a simple, yet poignant question, asked by an innocent 12 year old boy. no doubt that every one of us has, and will struggle with this question as we continue to develop our identity.

i firmly believe that angry and mean people are just very hurt, disappointed, and jaded people who need the healing touch of Christ in their lives. they can't love others because they struggle with loving themselves. i know this because i myself have been a mean, angry person in the past. although i've seen the light and grown much, i still struggle with my feelings and the internal bruises that cause them to rise up (certain people tend to bring it out much quicker than others - you know who you are). safe to say, i'm training myself to express emotions in a healthier, more productive, and acceptable way.

when i look back at the way i've acted in my relationships, i shudder at my lack of self-discovery, stubbornness, pride, and foolishness. i guess that's why hindsight is 20/20, and also why i need to look at my future through God's eyes (trust, hope, peace, joy, in Him alone!).

when i think of the reasons as to why i was so horrid at times, i am reminded of a sermon Pastor Danny gave a while back about adopted children. they often exhibit behavior problems to the detriment of their loving adopted parents. he explained that all human beings have an inherent trust, instilled in us by our parents, who give us unconditional love and nurturing.  however, when a parent abandons their child, that natural foundation of trust and love is broken. so the adopted child attempts to rebuild this foundation in the only way they know how - with badness - prove to me that you love me because i don't believe you. how bad can i be before you leave me too? i'm going to be this bad, do you still love me? i am this unlovable, do you still want me? because they want so badly to believe for themselves that they are loved and wanted....

i often acted like an adopted child in relationships; no level of commitment was enough for me because i had major trust issues. i constantly needed and demanded insatiable levels of affirmation and affection. i was unknowingly functioning on the belief that if my own father (who should have loved me no matter what) was able to leave me at such a young age, what would make another person (a stranger with no obligation) want to stay by my side and love me? ironically enough, this need for emotional support, understanding, and proof of faithfulness always pushed them farther from me. (not entirely my fault that most of the men i chose were not prepared in faith, character, maturity, or steadfastness to love me like Christ loved the church). so then the disappointment, rejection, resentment, and loss of respect crept in until sure enough, all hope was lost.

geez, i went off into the dark crevices of my unseen heart again..... my apologies. well, at least we know CR is doing it's job at busting out all of the skeletons from my inner closet! all i am sure of is that Christ has changed me and i'm so loved by Him that i love myself. now, the challenge is loving others more... hah!

    this year of 2013:

• i will no longer act on these dysfunctional beliefs.
• i will no longer let my own twisted needs cloud my judgment of true character.
• i will be a better Christian by loving my neighbors as myself (in case you didn't know, i love myself a lot...)
• i will have a normal/peaceful relationship with food and a healthier self-body image.
• i will learn to play the guitar.

For God did not give us a Spirit of timidity, but a Spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. -2 Timothy 1:7