puzzle heart

as i was working on a puzzle with my special kids, i saw their futile efforts to try and create order out of the chaos. what they needed was modeling, guidance, and prompting to do it right! it was then that i had a revelation about my life and God's role (yet again). 

sometimes, i see myself as bigger and wiser than i really am. when i'm trying to solve a puzzle (questions of life), i try with all my might to stubbornly squeeze that puzzle piece (person) in a place where it just doesn't belong (in my heart). it may even fit properly if we manipulate and jam it in there (forcefully), but then the picture won't look quite right (it just ain't right) and the piece cannot stay there for long. 

funny thing is, if i just use the box, i can see where the right pieces go and when. but i'm impatient, stubborn, frustrated, and anxious (all bad things).  the box cover big picture is a guideline for completing the puzzle, just as the Bible is for our living our lives. i must admit, it's not easy looking at the picture each time we have a new piece - it takes time and discipline! and my quick-witted and self-sufficient (sinful) mind would rather just try and find the right place on my own.... but alas, all of those were mistakes made from greed, idolization, and pride!!!! 

i'm confident that the puzzle will be completed one day and finished to it's perfection and beauty. but in the mean time, i need to remember that God is the one who drew the picture in the first place and put the pieces on the table for me. i just have to let Him guide me towards the right match!!! and i am allowed to take my time. i'm not competing against anyone but myself!

my crying ways

i realized why i don't like crying or being sad by myself. i feel the loneliest when i do. (maybe my feelings of abandonment resurrect in those moments of loneliness).

growing up, my brother and i were left alone at home a lot (unless my grandma was living with us - then i had someone to run to). so when my brother would bully me or make me feel helpless or angry, i would cry and cry until my mom came home. sometimes, i would be waiting forever and fall asleep in the same position, just waiting. of course when my mom finally arrived, i would start crying again and go complaining to her about what my brother had done to me. (whether or not she dealt well with my hurt and anger is a separate issue entirely). those moments of crying alone and trying to soothe and comfort myself were so depressing and lonely. and i don't want to feel that again, if possible. 

this probably contributes to reasons why i'm such an extrovert. being around people makes me feel energized and "un-lonely". i also feel safe because not many people get hurt or attacked in public (usually speaking but i guess this doesn't apply to me cuz i've been shamelessly throwing tantrums in public lately.... =/). 

most people want to be alone when they're going through something tough and then they want to be with others to share in their victories and glory moments. not so with me! when i'm feeling angry, sad, or frustrated, i cling to the people who care and listen - as a means of co-regulating my emotions and feeling comforted. i can be alone to feel joy and excitement, but i do not want to be alone when I feel low. 

stay with me!!!!!!!!