my crying ways

i realized why i don't like crying or being sad by myself. i feel the loneliest when i do. (maybe my feelings of abandonment resurrect in those moments of loneliness).

growing up, my brother and i were left alone at home a lot (unless my grandma was living with us - then i had someone to run to). so when my brother would bully me or make me feel helpless or angry, i would cry and cry until my mom came home. sometimes, i would be waiting forever and fall asleep in the same position, just waiting. of course when my mom finally arrived, i would start crying again and go complaining to her about what my brother had done to me. (whether or not she dealt well with my hurt and anger is a separate issue entirely). those moments of crying alone and trying to soothe and comfort myself were so depressing and lonely. and i don't want to feel that again, if possible. 

this probably contributes to reasons why i'm such an extrovert. being around people makes me feel energized and "un-lonely". i also feel safe because not many people get hurt or attacked in public (usually speaking but i guess this doesn't apply to me cuz i've been shamelessly throwing tantrums in public lately.... =/). 

most people want to be alone when they're going through something tough and then they want to be with others to share in their victories and glory moments. not so with me! when i'm feeling angry, sad, or frustrated, i cling to the people who care and listen - as a means of co-regulating my emotions and feeling comforted. i can be alone to feel joy and excitement, but i do not want to be alone when I feel low. 

stay with me!!!!!!!!