puzzle heart

as i was working on a puzzle with my special kids, i saw their futile efforts to try and create order out of the chaos. what they needed was modeling, guidance, and prompting to do it right! it was then that i had a revelation about my life and God's role (yet again). 

sometimes, i see myself as bigger and wiser than i really am. when i'm trying to solve a puzzle (questions of life), i try with all my might to stubbornly squeeze that puzzle piece (person) in a place where it just doesn't belong (in my heart). it may even fit properly if we manipulate and jam it in there (forcefully), but then the picture won't look quite right (it just ain't right) and the piece cannot stay there for long. 

funny thing is, if i just use the box, i can see where the right pieces go and when. but i'm impatient, stubborn, frustrated, and anxious (all bad things).  the box cover big picture is a guideline for completing the puzzle, just as the Bible is for our living our lives. i must admit, it's not easy looking at the picture each time we have a new piece - it takes time and discipline! and my quick-witted and self-sufficient (sinful) mind would rather just try and find the right place on my own.... but alas, all of those were mistakes made from greed, idolization, and pride!!!! 

i'm confident that the puzzle will be completed one day and finished to it's perfection and beauty. but in the mean time, i need to remember that God is the one who drew the picture in the first place and put the pieces on the table for me. i just have to let Him guide me towards the right match!!! and i am allowed to take my time. i'm not competing against anyone but myself!

my crying ways

i realized why i don't like crying or being sad by myself. i feel the loneliest when i do. (maybe my feelings of abandonment resurrect in those moments of loneliness).

growing up, my brother and i were left alone at home a lot (unless my grandma was living with us - then i had someone to run to). so when my brother would bully me or make me feel helpless or angry, i would cry and cry until my mom came home. sometimes, i would be waiting forever and fall asleep in the same position, just waiting. of course when my mom finally arrived, i would start crying again and go complaining to her about what my brother had done to me. (whether or not she dealt well with my hurt and anger is a separate issue entirely). those moments of crying alone and trying to soothe and comfort myself were so depressing and lonely. and i don't want to feel that again, if possible. 

this probably contributes to reasons why i'm such an extrovert. being around people makes me feel energized and "un-lonely". i also feel safe because not many people get hurt or attacked in public (usually speaking but i guess this doesn't apply to me cuz i've been shamelessly throwing tantrums in public lately.... =/). 

most people want to be alone when they're going through something tough and then they want to be with others to share in their victories and glory moments. not so with me! when i'm feeling angry, sad, or frustrated, i cling to the people who care and listen - as a means of co-regulating my emotions and feeling comforted. i can be alone to feel joy and excitement, but i do not want to be alone when I feel low. 

stay with me!!!!!!!!

bison and love

 I recently went on a field trip with my students to a hidden treasure in the city, the National Museum of the American Indian.  The building itself was gorgeous, with tall pillars and a beautiful spiral staircase.

In the introductory room with all the typical "Indian" things such as a teepee, paintings, hunting tools, and animal hides; our tour guide explained that the nomads hunted buffalo (bison?) and how each part was used for specific things. They were a people dedicated to being responsible for the whole animal... fur, bones, meat, soul - and they didn't believe in wasting any part of a living creature. 

I had this memory just now because we made a (somewhat rushed and dissatisfying) trip to my favorite place on earth - Costco! Of course I picked up a rotisserie chicken (just $4.99!) And yes, of course I deboned the thing with my plastic-gloved hands.  Then I proceeded to eat the juicy meat and shoved the leftover boney mess into water (with salt, celery, carrots, onion, garlic ) to make a chicken soup. 

Thinking about the buffalo and the chicken made me think about relationships. When you love someone, you have to learn to be responsible for the "whole animal". No matter the weather, size, mood, etc., you have to accept the person for who they are, and learn ways to make use of every part of them - heart, mind, body, soul.You have to treat each of their parts with patience, grace, respect, and love (no waste!)....

sigh, when will i ever stop making analogies to relationships???
 

PTL

Our God is a redeemer. He's taken so much of my worries, pains, and stresses, only to rescue me and overwhelm me with love and blessings. He is my one true Superman~

i've been feeling so blessed lately. my brother came to town and showered me with love in the best possible way he could. he cooked me lunches, brought home cupcakes and flowers, paid for everything he could, got in a fight with the female bartender so we could get a stolen $120 back (kicked/punched furniture/poles in a rage).... and he even participated in all of my church activities (to make me happy)! Hallelujah!!! God loves me... and so does my big brother!

my parents sent me a ridiculous (borderline offensive) talking card in the mail for my bday this year... (haven't gotten anything in years) but they also sent me a very meaningful diamond cross necklace!!!! (tear) 

and then my besties + church family pulled together for a great gift (Patrick, my new GSMini guitar) that will bless me (and others) for years to come... all  i need now is a dedicated guitar teacher  ~_^

my last praise report is something that i've been meaning to mention for a while.  i have a new friend!!! well, he is a very special friend with potential to become my best friend someday... ?

being with him is different. he was raised well by Christian parents who loved him and guided him with affection and grace. So then, he is naturally inclined and able to give out what he's received... and it's exactly what i need. he may be young, but he is the manliest man i've met in terms of character, humility, patience, and self-lessness. he will be a great daddy someday! he makes me feel safe. he makes me feel loved and protected and cared for. ='] he treats me like a precious treasure. he accepts all the teary, sensitive, angry, fleshy parts of my nature and still looks at me as if I'm worth it. (me thinks it's cuz he's experienced the transformative love of God's grace and mercy). dating a true Christian man is definitely different...  and it's very healthy and fun too! thank you God!

Jars of Clay

When you buy a nice piece of jewelry, it is often tucked into a setting of black- or dark-colored velvet. I think it’s designed that way so that your attention is immediately drawn to the beauty of the jewelry. If the packaging were highly decorated, it would compete with the beauty of the treasure.

It reminds me of Paul’s comments about the ministry of Jesus through us, when he said, “We have this treasure in jars of clay” (2 Cor. 4:7 niv). It’s easy to forget that we are the packaging and His work is the treasure. So we adorn our jars of clay, taking credit for the things we do to serve Christ. We seek to bring glory to ourselves when we’ve forgiven someone, or shown mercy, or given generously. The problem is, when we start seeking affirmation and praise for good deeds, we compete with the brilliance of the treasure of God working through us.

When we do things for Christ, it’s not about us but about His glory. The less obvious we are, the more brilliant He becomes. Which is why, Paul says, the treasure has been put in jars of clay so that God would be the one to be glorified. Besides, since when are jars of clay significant? It’s what’s inside that counts!

Help us not to cloud God’s glory
Nor with self His light to dim;
May each thought to Christ be captive,
Emptied to be filled with Him. —Anon.

Let the brilliance of the treasure of Christ shine through you as you live for Him.

Our Daily Bread

for a happy valentine's heart

Ten ways to love:
1. Listen without interrupting. (Proverbs 18)
2. Speak without accusing. (James 1:19)
3. Give without sparing. (Proverbs 21:26)
4. Pray without ceasing. (Colossians 1:9)
5. Answer without arguing. (Proverbs 17:1)
6. Share without pretending. (Ephesians 4:15)
7. Enjoy without complaint. (Philippians 2:14)
8. Trust without wavering. (Corinthians 13:7)
9. Forgive without punishing. (Colossians 3:13)
10. Promise without forgetting. (Proverbs 13:12)

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

my alabaster flask

"the penalty kick is the hardest kick for a goal keeper to block because the kicker gets to kick at such a close range at a pretty big goal.  also, the rules state that the goal keeper is not allowed to leave the goal line until the ball is kicked, which means that before the ball is kicked, he has to commit to a direction in which he's going to block that ball. he can't wait to see where the ball is going and then choose a side because if he does, it's too late - the ball is in the goal. the thing about committing is that when you throw your body in one direction, you're totally vulnerable on the other. but that's what committing requires.

similarly, in relationship with others, if you really want to get to know someone, you gotta open up and reveal yourself - open you heart and show them what's inside. maybe show some bad things and some good things. without being vulnerable, it's shallow. no true relationship exists without commitment, and no commitment is without vulnerability. 

in this way, the woman with the alabaster jar is willing to sacrifice everything to follow Jesus. she broke the flask, which is the thing that gives her power, desirability, her livelihood. this is what she trusts in, like a surgeon and his hands. when she breaks it, she is saying i don't know how i'm going to live but i have a better use for this flask. she is committing, hence not knowing where her next meal will come from and there's is no turning back. she is saying, i don't know what tomorrow is going to bring, but Jesus, i'm just going to make you the master of everything in my life - master of my job, my relationships, my sexuality, everything, you're the master! you're all that i want, and i'm showing that by pouring it all out at your feet."

Pastor Dong Kyu says we all have that alabaster jar around our necks, which says, because of this thing, i know where my meal is coming from, because of this thing, i know people like me and want me, i know i'm attractive, i'm worthy. take this away from me and i'm nothing... we're all going to pour it out on someone's feet. but whose feet will you pour it on? who is going to have ownership of your heart? who is going to be your master? and are they going to satisfy you like Jesus can?

Lord, YOU are my master. You're in control. i want to take the flask that i carry around my neck, the thing that i'm protecting, and break it at Jesus' feet - let go of this and be dependent on Jesus... not always trying to transform the world, but being reminded of how God transforms my heart and just let it work in me.

from Pastor Dong Kyu's sermon What Makes a Person Committed to Jesus (Luke 7:36-48)

"most enthusiastic"

i find "enthusiasm" annoying.

wait, wait - let me rephrase that: i find my own "enthusiasm" very annoying. (i will not mention the story of how i was voted "most enthusiastic" in 8th grade or i will get upset again.....) often times, i have a hard time loving people with this characteristic. i know... i know. there is nothing wrong with them... it's ME! it's me that i don't like seeing the reflection of.

what is it about the "enthusiasm"? well, plainly stated, people have been so annoyed and turned-off by my hyper activity that they've hurt me. (yes, once again, this entry is about my pain... -_-). so naturally, when i see someone acting "enthusiastic" or "hyper" i am inclined to run from their presence (because it make me feel cringey inside) or judge them harshly (ironically, the way that others have done to me). and so the cycle continues? no! i must break the cycle and appreciate them for their liveliness. (e.g., being on fire for God, unashamedly singing that Disney song they love a little too loudly, for hugging to tightly, for shrieking with excitement, etc). this world (filled with God's people) is not always about me me me and the way that i want to see people through my own experiences and understanding. it's about HIM - because God accepts and loves us, just the way we are.

subsequently, i have a natural affinity towards people who are quiet, calm, brooding, maybe even melancholy... because they are so opposite! just as an electron is enticed to be near the proton, God made us to be complementary to those who are different. (maybe my opposites appreciate my lightness, my zest, cuz they need a bit more "enthusiasm" in their lives). hallelujah~

colors of the wind

i've always been someone who lives life in color.

they say i have a "colorful" and "dynamic" personality... so naturally, i am drawn to vividness and animated things... (i do prefer rainbow cakes and pastels to boring b&w). color makes life beautiful and interesting!!!!! (gosh, if only rainbow wasn't associated with being gay....i think i've confused many people in my lifetime. haha)

maybe that's why i've always been drawn to the Aurora Lights. (i first learned about them while watching Balto... yes, i saw the Borealis in the form of an animation, but could you imagine how gorgeous they are in real life, then? if they can be so moving in a hand-drawn cartoon?!?)

times like these, i am inspired to step out of my own self for a moment, to realize the grandeur and magnitude of creation. it is then i am assured that God exists. (i also feel this way when i listen to classical music, especially when it's live -Soo Bae on cello).  there is no way anyone other than a good, perfect, creative, elegant God could have come up with such extravagant ways of exposing His existence and lavishing His love onto our self-absorbed human race.

one day, i will stand on a mountain in Alaska just to witness the beauty and magic for myself.
(classical music + life partner optional).

"one day it'll all make sense"

the first week of the new year, my brother and i got into the first real argument of our lives (i'd like refer to it as an adult argument, but we were acting pretty childish).

in the heat of the moment, what i saw as irreconcilable differences and truly valid wrath, God took and redeemed (as He does with all pain and iniquity). although i felt scared, hurt, wronged, and embarrassed by my brother's public foolishness and brash anger, i realized most of the event was reactionary to things that i had done to him first. for that, i am repentant and ask for healing. i ask for humility, courage, patience, and wisdom to love beyond what is reasonable.

through intercessory prayers, a perfectly timed sermon, and prayerful reflection (thanks again for the tools CR),  God exposed to me my own fault and sins: overwhelming pride, lack of self-control, ungodly self-righteousness, unrecognized resentment, and  sense of entitlement.

when i hear sermons about the parable of the prodigal son,  i always empathize with the lost son because i consider myself more of a rebel - turning from God in my selfishness and then running home to His open arms. i guess that's true when i compare my walk with those who have never gone astray, but now i realize it's all relative and that we are never just one or the other (reference: Tim Keller - The Prodigal God) in this situation, and in relation to my own real brother, i seem to function with the older brother's heart. (it amazes me that something so obvious and simple has never come to my attention before.)

growing up i always took care of (챙겨ed for) my brother. in my mother and grandma's absence, what was a "naturally nurturing" girl to do? but in that "service", i grew a sense of pride (i'm the good, responsible one), resentment (my older brother never stepped up to protect and provide for me - i even envied sisters whose brothers would kidnap misbehaving boyfriends to "teach them a lesson" haha) and entitlement (that i didn't have to respect him because he never earned it). but love is never earned, is it? we are called to love and respect each other because God loved us unconditionally when we were so undeserving....well, now that i see with new eyes, it would behoove me to take action.

i also learned that men need to be treated with respect, just as women need to be treated with tenderness and love. (man, they go crazy and get all twisted if you be disrespectin' them!). i won't go into the details of my man-hating heart (still need to work that one out) but needlessness to say, i'm going to be a better sister (express the seriousness of my desire for change), woman, (adding a new new years resolution to my list: treat men with respect), and Christian (love, love, love). i will treat my brother with respect as best i can... i hope he somehow knows this.

I seriously need to memorize this verse:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. -1 Corinthian 13: 4-8

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relocating the bottom

John Piper - Getting to the Bottom of Your Joy (Passion 2011):

"Let it be said, now loud and clear, that John Piper does not deny and never has denied that God makes much of us...Whether those truths, those amazing truths that ought to thrill your soul - yes they should - that God makes much of you that way, should THRILL your soul.

Why? And if the answer is, "because i'm at the bottom and i like to be made much of," then you're not born again. And if the answer is, "because it reveals more of God and equips me more to know him,  treasure him, love him, be satisfied in Him", the you're born again. That's the difference, what's at the bottom...

Why does God, all over the Bible, reveal His acts of love toward us in a way that always shows His design is that He get glory? The answer is: God's love for you, that makes much of His glory, is a greater love for you than if He made you, your supreme treasure.  Why? Because self, no matter how glorious, can NEVER satisfy a heart made from God. It feels so good to the fallen heart. It feels so good to have myself at the bottom and to be made much of. And until they're born again, they can't realize that's not gonna satisfy you. You will never, ever be beautiful enough,  strong enough, wise enough, admirable enough, to be the bottom and bear the weight of all the joy that you want for eternity. It will not bear that weight. It will give way and you will fall into the pit. Only one thing can bear the weight of all the joy that you want to have and that's God.

God loves you. I want you and God wants you to feel loved. You are precious to Him. You are precious to Him. And the gift that He would want me to give you is to say this: I love you and you are so precious to me - that I will not let your preciousness become your God. I will not let your preciousness, to me, become your God. I will be your God - and I alone. "

love thy identity

"i know it says in the Bible that you should love your neighbor as yourself, but what if you hate yourself?"

what a simple, yet poignant question, asked by an innocent 12 year old boy. no doubt that every one of us has, and will struggle with this question as we continue to develop our identity.

i firmly believe that angry and mean people are just very hurt, disappointed, and jaded people who need the healing touch of Christ in their lives. they can't love others because they struggle with loving themselves. i know this because i myself have been a mean, angry person in the past. although i've seen the light and grown much, i still struggle with my feelings and the internal bruises that cause them to rise up (certain people tend to bring it out much quicker than others - you know who you are). safe to say, i'm training myself to express emotions in a healthier, more productive, and acceptable way.

when i look back at the way i've acted in my relationships, i shudder at my lack of self-discovery, stubbornness, pride, and foolishness. i guess that's why hindsight is 20/20, and also why i need to look at my future through God's eyes (trust, hope, peace, joy, in Him alone!).

when i think of the reasons as to why i was so horrid at times, i am reminded of a sermon Pastor Danny gave a while back about adopted children. they often exhibit behavior problems to the detriment of their loving adopted parents. he explained that all human beings have an inherent trust, instilled in us by our parents, who give us unconditional love and nurturing.  however, when a parent abandons their child, that natural foundation of trust and love is broken. so the adopted child attempts to rebuild this foundation in the only way they know how - with badness - prove to me that you love me because i don't believe you. how bad can i be before you leave me too? i'm going to be this bad, do you still love me? i am this unlovable, do you still want me? because they want so badly to believe for themselves that they are loved and wanted....

i often acted like an adopted child in relationships; no level of commitment was enough for me because i had major trust issues. i constantly needed and demanded insatiable levels of affirmation and affection. i was unknowingly functioning on the belief that if my own father (who should have loved me no matter what) was able to leave me at such a young age, what would make another person (a stranger with no obligation) want to stay by my side and love me? ironically enough, this need for emotional support, understanding, and proof of faithfulness always pushed them farther from me. (not entirely my fault that most of the men i chose were not prepared in faith, character, maturity, or steadfastness to love me like Christ loved the church). so then the disappointment, rejection, resentment, and loss of respect crept in until sure enough, all hope was lost.

geez, i went off into the dark crevices of my unseen heart again..... my apologies. well, at least we know CR is doing it's job at busting out all of the skeletons from my inner closet! all i am sure of is that Christ has changed me and i'm so loved by Him that i love myself. now, the challenge is loving others more... hah!

    this year of 2013:

• i will no longer act on these dysfunctional beliefs.
• i will no longer let my own twisted needs cloud my judgment of true character.
• i will be a better Christian by loving my neighbors as myself (in case you didn't know, i love myself a lot...)
• i will have a normal/peaceful relationship with food and a healthier self-body image.
• i will learn to play the guitar.

For God did not give us a Spirit of timidity, but a Spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. -2 Timothy 1:7