patience is painful

One reason why i really respect and admire people for their discipline is because i have so little of it. =/ in general, staying in a constant state of refraining/abstaining from things that bring joy to life is quite difficult! during this 1 month diet challenge, i was able to stay very strict... until i lost sight of the goal in the final week. why am i doing this again? what am i doing this for? i had to remind myself over and over (for greater health!, to be in shape!, to stop muffining out of your pants!). but losing 5 pounds in 4 days just seemed impossible and daunting as week 4 approached and i started to slip here and there. next thing you know, i'm comforting my disheartened self with these delectable little chocolate covered sunflower seeds! sigh...

another weakness that i've always had is waiting. i am one to exercise delayed gratification in trivial matters (e.g., i will only eat the macaron/shower after i work out, i will hold my pee until the next rest stop)... but true patience has never been one of my virtues.  so i wondered why and i dug deep. i realized that the idea and the act of "waiting" has always been very painful for me. waiting caused me such strife and pent up anger from the expectations that were never met. in grade school, we had to wait so late for my mom to pick us up, even after our after school program ended. almost every time. and my heart would skip with anticipation and hope for every car that i  heard coming down the street... only to be dashed with disappointment when it wasn't her. by the time she came, i was so jaded and bitter that it didn't matter anymore and i would be fighting back tears behind a brow so furrowed, one could mistaken me for a 50 year old man.  it worried me, that people might judge my mom to be irresponsible when in actuality, she was running around (with a stomach ulcer from not being able to eat meals) to keep her business afloat. (maybe this is why i can't stand knowing when people don't have "time to eat" a meal or are so busy that they "forget to eat". i want to feed anything and everything that is hungry... it is a basic human need for goodness sake!) of course i only came to understand these things later on in life.  as a child, i was embarrassed by it and felt like we were never important enough to remember to pick up on time.

some days my mom would forget or not have time to pack our lunches (our tiny private school didn't offer hot lunch) and promise that she would drop by with something. so i would wait there - hungry, embarrassed, and expecting someone to come by. (i really envied the one boy, Dennis, whose mother always packed him a giant cooler of food, snacks, and juice boxes! i was convinced that she sure loved him a whole lot!!) one time, in 2nd grade, i had to eat McDonald's in the classroom while everyone else did a reading exercise after lunch because my dad came so late. i probably had indigestion from the salty tears that ended up in my very unHappy meal. sigh... this reminds me we ate a lot of Micky D's growing up. i have a theory that i hate coke-a-cola because the taste of it brings back repressed childhood memories...

as i got older, in order to deal, i gave up having expectations and depending on people who constantly let me down. i knew from a young age that if you wanted something done, you'd have to do it yourself! trust no one.  so i took care of the motherly business: shopped for the groceries, packed our lunches, walked home from school, and i definitely never volunteered my mom for any of the "extracurricular" help that was required. (one time i signed her up to help with an art project and she came 1 hour late and left 30 min early... i was so stressed waiting for her! and then i was just sad when she left cuz of work).

anyways, i went off on a lot of sad and painful tangents. but basically, waiting has and always will be hard for me because i'm afraid to place my trust in something out of my own control. why do i even have to wait? what am i waiting for? am i even waiting for the right thing? why does it drives me nuts not knowing when to expect something? will i be jaded and resentful when the waiting actually ends? will i be able to wait? can i trust that what i want will still be there? will it still be what i want?


Lord, keep me joyful and bring me peace, knowing you are beside me through it all. Building up a relationship with you while I wait for anything in life is what I strive for because it is so worth it! Your timing and plan for me is perfect. I can only cling to your promises of greatness and wait upon you, Lord.

2 Corinthians 4:16  - Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

Isaiah 41:10 - Fear not, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed. I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.