fruitless

Psalm 139:23-24: Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!

people generally praise my high level of self-awareness and depth of understanding. however, this is often followed by genuine curiosity about why i am unable to apply this knowledge to my life in a practical manner [...]

the truth is that sin and deception are so deeply woven into our psyches, personalities, reactions, and habitual tendencies that it's hard to break free from such chains, especially subtle ones.
this is why we must rely on a high power other than our own intellect and problem solving skills. yes, faith and trust in Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.

in the mean time, it's selfish of me to pretend i'm healthy enough to engage in a stable and fruitful relationship with someone i care about.  i'm still wounded and therefore self-centered, and too tempted not to meet my own needs first.

of course, that doesn't make it okay and it definitely means i need to work even harder!

Isaiah 41:10 - So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.