life is hard but God is good

this has been the hardest year of my life.
(please tell me it gets easier.....?)

holding on. letting go.
realizations. real loss.
breakdowns. breakthroughs.
ups. downs. and in betweens.

just when i felt that i had learned and learned... God continues to show me more. more about my selfishness, sinfulness, lack of wisdom, maturity, and humility. just lack in general. he shows me how much i need him and the difference between life with him and without him. (how easy it is to function and live each moment without him - all the while trying to convince ourselves that we are.)

this has been the year that i really grew up.
(do i say that every year....?)

i understand so much about people, sin, God, and i see myself more clearly. it's so hard to finally see and accept that actions have consequences and hurting people can't always be undone or rectified with a "sorry". (ironic how i teach my kids this lesson every day but i cannot see the log in my own eye.) and sometimes we just don't get second chances in life. hard to accept that we can't always get what we want and we have to live with that (and be an adult about it). we have to try and thrive beyond our circumstances.

i'm thankful that the Lord is gracious and compassionate and that all things work out for our good. but living through the desert is painful. the desert exposes us to such harsh conditions of reality. the reality of our tunnel vision self-absorption. patience gets tested in the desert. what we truly rely on for survival and comfort becomes transparent when there's no water. what do we believe in and trust? that all comes out. no holds bar.

well. simply put, i haven't been loving people well. i've been trying to love people just okay. conditionally. i've been hurting people well. because i've been so focused on getting love for myself to make up for all the hurts i've felt in life. and never saw that there are some people who have been hurt more than me (could this be?) and they need extra grace and love.

but there's never enough to satisfy those deep empty places of the heart. only when God comes to do some deep cleaning and healing can one rise above and overcome to become a new person - the person God meant them to be. outward giving instead of inward filling.

God, i want to love you and love people well. let this be my ultimate purpose in life.

Lord have mercy.

side note to self:
Dear Joyce from Feb 13, 2016,
the answer is no (maybe yes? only God knows). but specifically in terms of your hurt/anger/disappointment/rage, through God's love and grace you can and have prevailed over those long-term struggles of identity and emotional wreckage. you are not who you have made yourself to be. let go. you are who God called you to be. you were made to bring joy to the world and be a light in the darkness. so be that and nothing else. every day.