Oh Holy Night

 Simply moved by the truth, serenity, and beauty of this poem:

Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Till he appear'd and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn!

Fall on your knees
Oh hear the angel voices
Oh night, divine!
Oh night when Christ was born.

Truly He taught us to love one another
His law is love and His gospel is peace
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother
And in His name all oppression shall cease
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
With all our hearts we praise His holy name.

Christ is the Lord! Then ever, ever praise we,
His power and glory ever more proclaim!
Let all within us praise His holy name

not very civil

 

the other day, I went to Brooklyn for a teacher's training. it wasn't until lunchtime that i realized we were sitting in the school library. so i took the liberty of perusing the shelves. i was aghast at how new all of the books were.  i was the first person EVER to open most of them! (i could tell at the crisp sound of the binding and saw the pages free of grubby fingerprints). well, God blessed me with 2 epiphanies for the day:

1) it made me really sad, not just for the books themselves (Toy Story reminds me that toys want to be played with and books want to be read; we must all live out our purposes!) but at the idea that the children in this school (among many others in District 75) will never EVER have the opportunity to enjoy the simple pleasure of reading a book.....devastation! they will never know the magical world of harry potter, the intimate details of the Civil War, the beautiful pictures in Horses & Ponies! it just breaks my heart.

and then i thought about how they would never be able to access God's living WORD. (of course, God's love transcends cognitive delays and the Holy Spirit works despite iniquity and disability because God is ABLE.) but the simple truth remains that some were created with more special needs which may or may not be fully met... ironic that the training topic was about AAC (Augmentative and Alternative Communication) devices.

2) i picked up a book about the Civil War and this also made me very sad. how could so many men disagree about the very reason they traveled to America in the first place, to the point of slaughting each other? i guess both sides had very different ideas of freedom and opportunity. but the book reminds me that at one point, they were all on one team with one goal - then divergent ideas/misdirected desires/stubborn wills split one camp into two. and then they went down in history  for creating the bloodiest war ever fought in America. isn't it scary how much satan loves to create division; within the church, within families, within our friendships? the struggle, hate, resistance, self-importance, pride, withholding - that comes raging out of all of us... (and i can say that from much personal experience =/) this world needs a Savior SO BADLY. (sorry superman, batman, spidey - this is a job even too great for you guys!) honestly, it made my heart yearn for heaven on earth.

love hurts

"I once heard Joyce Meyer say that you CANNOT love someone without giving something up. Call it compromise, call it whatever, but if you really think about, its the truth. Love really does hurt. There's no way that it can't. You can't keep acting like a single person, or keep doing the same things that you used to do if you're in a relationship. There's a part of each of you that has to "give" or "die" so that the relationship can survive and have a "life" of its own. And this goes for all types of relationships, not just the romantic kind.

The same goes for our relationship with God and being Christians. Loving God can and will hurt sometimes because of our sinful nature and the nature of the world. But the rewards of pushing through that fleeting moment of pain is everlasting. Because we don't find true comfort in other people or things, but rather from the fact we've accepted what Jesus has done for us."

-James Constantino

picture perfect

there are so many reasons behind the things that people value and the things that people do. we'll never fully understand it from their point of view.... but it's what makes people unique and what makes life absolutely interesting! needless to say, it's important to get to know individuals on a deeper level so you can understand and appreciate them for the way they function! (yes, and i will say it again: quality time, vulnerability, and intimacy are very important to building solid foundations for a stable relationship).

to explain some of the reasoning behind the phenomena of my facebook account... i admit that i hate looking like a fb h0e - always posting pictures of my favorite people and the exciting things that i'm doing (i secretly like thinking/wishing people might be jealous). [insert devious laughter here: muhahah] but my desire to capture the memorable moments in my life far outweighs the insecurities of the potential "fb wh0re" label.

why do i take so many pictures all the time? well, because it means a lot to me that i'm able to access my rolodex of memories via laptop/phone/internet and relive them whenever i want. (additionally, i am a trained SLP so it's natural that i use proper visual cues while explaining people, places, and things haha) most importantly, i confess i am somewhat of a sentimental, strolling-down-memory-lane kind of girl. there are definitely gaps in my life and it feels like a lost frame in time that i'll never regain =( it makes me sad that many parts of my life are forever missing because i was either too young to remember or i don't have any pictures to look back on and know where i come from.  well, i didn't want to go into the details of why these pictures don't exist, but then what kind of self-actualization/emotional recovery post would this be?!?!

1. back in the day, my poor parents didn't have the luxury to follow us around with a camera/camcorder
2. my brother was the 1st born and somehow, they forgot or lost interest in taking pictures of their 2nd born child (i know! can you believe it? dazzling, star-quality, prima donna, lime-light loving, ME!)
3. i have somewhat of a very complicated and whirlwind family history, so unfortunately, much of my timeline is still a big ? n/a unknown =/
4. this is my way of dealing with my lost lineage and avoiding a future identity crisis

Dear future husband,
I hope you're not a person who gets annoyed or embarrassed that I like to take lots of pictures of you, me, and us (all the time). Also, if you didn't catch the drift cuz you didn't read this entry; please take lots of pictures of me!!!! I promise when we meet, I'll be in my prime so you'll probably want to remember me like this. That way, we'll both have keepsakes of our glory days to look back on (and brag about) when we're sipping tea on our porch together, all wrinkly and old. Also, lets take lots of pictures of our babies (but we don't have to blast it on fb) so we can make photo albums and scrapbooks the old fashioned way. Thank you in advance! 

Love,
me

my lucky one...

my latest suspicion is that nicholas sparks is really a woman.

how else do you explain the fact that i don't like sappy chick flicks but somehow, all of the tolerable (dare I say it - my favorite) love stories were written by this MAN! i find this very offensive....

after much research and study, i've concluded that in order to be successful, a romance must have:

1. A mysterious, pensive male character (with a beautiful brooding face and lots of muscles). He may or may not be a military man with deep wounds and secrets that he never speaks of (i.e., Zac Efron, Channing Tatum). This man is usually the strong, silent, masculine type but has such a big, self-less heart that he isn't afraid of expressing his sensitivity and undying devotion through simple words of affirmation and very complicated acts of trust (i.e., Ryan Gosling, Shane West). He is protective, animal loving, and handy (movie doesn't end before he rebuilds a boat or house for her with his bare hands).

2. Enter the seemingly tough, yet feminine heroine with a hot bod, (who may or may not have a child/dog), who acts as if she doesn't want anyone or anything when in reality, she just needs to be nurtured and rescued from some past pains, present bullies, or deep fears of future disappointment and sadness. 

3. Well, boy meets girl... boy loves girl (deeply and faithfully). boy saves girl (secretly/humbly/sacrificially). boy proves himself worthy. lots of breath-taking backdrops (usually one romantic rain scene)... always a church squeezed in somewhere. really awesome first kiss where boy ruggedly grabs girl and then gingerly holds her head in his hands (the best kind!). well, then the rest is history. very romantic history.

funny thing is... it's super cheesy but it always works! (me thinks it works cuz the man loves the woman like Christ loves the church...)

Just for kicks, my Sparksian rank order:
1. The Notebook
2. The Lucky One
3. Dear John
4. The Vow
5. A Walk to Remember
? Safe Haven (2013) !!!

behind the seens

"There is no great with Thee, there is no small,

      For Thou are all, and fillest all in all."

today, i had a newfound appreciation for people who work tirelessly backstage - they truly function as the steel underbelly of the ship, keeping it balanced and afloat beneath the waterline.

i don't envy these types so much as i respect and am in awe of their servant hearts. these "backies" (backstagers) tend to be humble in character and they make maximal sacrifices for minimal glory. mad respect! your houses in heaven will be filled with treasures galore! =]

watching them work with diligence and joy reminds me of the attitude of Jesus Christ, who became so incredibly lowly so that others could be elevated.

of course, i won't sit here and mourn about why i can't be such a person because after years of laborious grumbling, i came to recognize that God has made us all uniquely. and there are certain ways that people are called to be unavoidably visible. it's a blessing and a curse because with such platforms come responsibilities and opportunities to lead and witness with action, conviction, and genuineness. and so, i also respect those who carry much in the limelight and still represent Christ and their industries well (i.e., Tebow). of course, the backstagers make these spotlighters look and sound excellent! hehe

on the flip side, i also recognize that i need to show more patience, grace, and love to the people that i perceive as glory hogs, humble braggers, and recognition fiends. i'm hypersensitive to it and i find it hard to encourage and affirm them, no matter how good the things they do are.... this is another way that i am very self-absorbed  because i myself, have this deep insecurity and paranoia that people may think this very thing of me, that i am vainglorious and lover of the limelight. well, tears of a clown... i don't ask for the attention so much as i just can't control or hide my flamboyant nature! ....gosh, i need more healing!

Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven....  do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. -Matthew 6:1;4

Fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell -Matthew 10:28

light breaks through

The Sovereignty of God ceases to amaze me on a daily basis. As He continues to reveal Himself to me in unique and specific ways, His overwhelming love and desire for His children is made tangible and so very real.

It's a cyclical process... confess He is good and that He provides. Put your faith in Him and sure enough, He comes through and provides. His provision then increases your faith and subsequently, increases the blessing and fruitfulness from it... then you're at your knees again, proclaiming He is go good... wash. rinse. repeat.

Hearing the repentant confession of a broken brother last night reminded me of my own conversion experience, and the ones others have shared with me. the one commonality that threads most stories together is that moment, when the heaviness and seriousness of sin and death penetrates the heart so deeply that one feels the desperate need for God's son, the truth, the light, freedom, forgiveness, peace!

When we are able to weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice, those are the moments that make living truly meaningful.

There is no greater JOY on this earth than witnessing children return to the Father - to see them running into his open arms.

patience is painful

One reason why i really respect and admire people for their discipline is because i have so little of it. =/ in general, staying in a constant state of refraining/abstaining from things that bring joy to life is quite difficult! during this 1 month diet challenge, i was able to stay very strict... until i lost sight of the goal in the final week. why am i doing this again? what am i doing this for? i had to remind myself over and over (for greater health!, to be in shape!, to stop muffining out of your pants!). but losing 5 pounds in 4 days just seemed impossible and daunting as week 4 approached and i started to slip here and there. next thing you know, i'm comforting my disheartened self with these delectable little chocolate covered sunflower seeds! sigh...

another weakness that i've always had is waiting. i am one to exercise delayed gratification in trivial matters (e.g., i will only eat the macaron/shower after i work out, i will hold my pee until the next rest stop)... but true patience has never been one of my virtues.  so i wondered why and i dug deep. i realized that the idea and the act of "waiting" has always been very painful for me. waiting caused me such strife and pent up anger from the expectations that were never met. in grade school, we had to wait so late for my mom to pick us up, even after our after school program ended. almost every time. and my heart would skip with anticipation and hope for every car that i  heard coming down the street... only to be dashed with disappointment when it wasn't her. by the time she came, i was so jaded and bitter that it didn't matter anymore and i would be fighting back tears behind a brow so furrowed, one could mistaken me for a 50 year old man.  it worried me, that people might judge my mom to be irresponsible when in actuality, she was running around (with a stomach ulcer from not being able to eat meals) to keep her business afloat. (maybe this is why i can't stand knowing when people don't have "time to eat" a meal or are so busy that they "forget to eat". i want to feed anything and everything that is hungry... it is a basic human need for goodness sake!) of course i only came to understand these things later on in life.  as a child, i was embarrassed by it and felt like we were never important enough to remember to pick up on time.

some days my mom would forget or not have time to pack our lunches (our tiny private school didn't offer hot lunch) and promise that she would drop by with something. so i would wait there - hungry, embarrassed, and expecting someone to come by. (i really envied the one boy, Dennis, whose mother always packed him a giant cooler of food, snacks, and juice boxes! i was convinced that she sure loved him a whole lot!!) one time, in 2nd grade, i had to eat McDonald's in the classroom while everyone else did a reading exercise after lunch because my dad came so late. i probably had indigestion from the salty tears that ended up in my very unHappy meal. sigh... this reminds me we ate a lot of Micky D's growing up. i have a theory that i hate coke-a-cola because the taste of it brings back repressed childhood memories...

as i got older, in order to deal, i gave up having expectations and depending on people who constantly let me down. i knew from a young age that if you wanted something done, you'd have to do it yourself! trust no one.  so i took care of the motherly business: shopped for the groceries, packed our lunches, walked home from school, and i definitely never volunteered my mom for any of the "extracurricular" help that was required. (one time i signed her up to help with an art project and she came 1 hour late and left 30 min early... i was so stressed waiting for her! and then i was just sad when she left cuz of work).

anyways, i went off on a lot of sad and painful tangents. but basically, waiting has and always will be hard for me because i'm afraid to place my trust in something out of my own control. why do i even have to wait? what am i waiting for? am i even waiting for the right thing? why does it drives me nuts not knowing when to expect something? will i be jaded and resentful when the waiting actually ends? will i be able to wait? can i trust that what i want will still be there? will it still be what i want?


Lord, keep me joyful and bring me peace, knowing you are beside me through it all. Building up a relationship with you while I wait for anything in life is what I strive for because it is so worth it! Your timing and plan for me is perfect. I can only cling to your promises of greatness and wait upon you, Lord.

2 Corinthians 4:16  - Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

Isaiah 41:10 - Fear not, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed. I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.

"must love dogs"

walking around nyc, you see a lot of people with their dogs. all sorts of dogs from the big hairy ones, the thick wrinkly stinky lookin ones, to the tiny little princess pups. i love seeing them all. i wish i had enough hand sanitizer in my purse to pet them more often... =/  dogs in nyc are so well trained and just itching to be petted after being cooped up all day! their owners are pretty friendly too (although once in a while you'll just get straight up snubbed as you're bending down to pet their dog).

one thing that i find really endearing about guys with pets is their ability to share themselves with another. guys with dogs tend to be more friendly and nice. they also have no fear when it comes to investing their hearts into mortal creatures who may or may not stay by them forever (can we say emotionally available?). these are guys who can recognize that the risks are well worth the rewards. they aren't afraid to choose, commit, and love. they are also responsible, committed, affectionate, and giving cuz that is the minimal requirement for having a pet. (next time you see a cute guy with a dog, watch how he pets his animal and you'll notice he suddenly looks even cuter. lol)

i once dated a guy who wasn't very expressive by any means... but he used to reach into the glass aquarium and pull out his mom's pet iguana (kinda weird now that i think about it). albeit iguanas aren't really that "pettable" - he did so in the most idiosyncratically gentle way. i could detect a bond of intimacy and trust between reptile and human from that tender one finger stroke.... it just made my heart melt to pieces. =]

leaning towards gleaning

they say every element of life is fully addressed in the bible.
        even romance? i ask...  
      yes! answers God.
        how?where? i ask....  
    Boaz & Ruth. answers God.
        oh, now i see. says i.  
    tolda ya so~ says God (squiggly and all).

Call me a romantic but Boaz was the original Prince Charming, superman before it was super, the first Casanova.

He knows what a girl wants:
1) protection - Boaz told Ruth not to glean in any others' field except his. He said his men would protect her within the confines of his land. how bold and romantic! i'm especially sensitive about this because i have a long-withstanding theory that my childhood wounds left me feeling vulnerable, unprotected, and alone a lot of times. my older brother was never really "protective"- more of a bully. and no one but my grandmother really stood up for me and my feelings (which is why i really cherish her to this day).  i wasn't born with a "strong" and "hard shell" personality. it was an adaptive strategy to fend for and protect myself. but now as i grow older, i realize it's a whole lot of work and i just want to let go. i don't want to hold back my tears for fear of looking weak and feminine. and i want to be with someone that i can trust will be noble enough to step up to the plate and take over. He will have my back, stand up for me, and be on my side, always - so i can feel stable, protected, and safe - physically and emotionally.

2) acceptance - Boaz saw Ruth in her times of need, in her lowest of position. instead of reprimanding her for scavenging the leftover harvest or finding her desperation disgusting, he found compassion in his heart for her. he offered her superfluous amounts of wheat, wine, and delicious meals. he saw her beauty and the glimpse of who she could become. (little did he know that she would become King David's grandmother!) oh how beautiful it is for someone to see another pre-glory and still accept, love, and appreciate them. so then, how much more love are we capable of as we continue to transform and grow in Christ?

3) favoritism - he picked her. he favored her. with confidence, grace, and generosity he took a great risk and gained a great reward.  i have this deep need to feel like the favorite. (yes, of course it stems from childhood, why do you even ask!). growing up i never felt like the favored child, or even like a real daughter (since my family always teased me about being the adopted black sheep, besides other issues). so i feel very loved when someone treats me special and when i receive favor. lately, i feel like God's favorite and it has been rejuvenating and restoring peace in all the shattered pieces of my broken little-girl heart (i know, i can be dramatic.... humor me.)

4) proud proclamation - Boaz proclaimed to his men that she could glean anywhere, anytime and he wasn't ashamed of it. i also have this deep insecurity (often times fueled by past mistreatment) that i am an embarrassing person to date, let alone associate with (secret dating is never a good thing -_-). so i find it to be of the utmost romanticest when men aren't ashamed to proclaim their love for a woman and call her his own. every girl wants to belong to someone (besides God). one day, one man will unashamedly proclaim his favor and commitment to me and i shall be greatly grateful to him all my life for it. yep, it only takes ONE! =]

Dear "Boaz",
the day i meet you,
i promise to glean only in your field...
all day long.
forever.

Dear more important God,
i promise not to put "Boaz" on a pedestal.
please help me keep my eyes on the prize.
thank you.
amen.

stock piled

okay. i confess... i have PDS: Perpetual Disaster Syndrome.

when hurricane Sandy hit, it was apparent that nobody within a 1 mile radius could starve even if they tried. why? because i've always been somewhat of a hoarder. so yeah, our apt was well prepared even before those crazy winds and rain and moon tide conceived Sandy!

i thought about why i have this 병 and it definitely stems from childhood. my older brother ate his food faster than i could blink and then always came after mine (he also called me fat and said he was doing me a good deed -_- but that childhood trauma I will save for another rainy day). to me, a meal was a struggle between slowly enjoying my food and forcing myself to rush so that it wouldn't get taken away. as a combative strategy,  i always had a back-up plan: 1 for me, 1 for brother, and another 1 for me in case he pillaged my first. 

i could stop at that reflection of my PDS... but that would only be a superficial analysis of my heart condition. the reality is that i want security. even my roommates notice that i get my panties in a bunch when our stock pile diminishes.... i feel safe when i'm surrounded by a never-ending wall of toilet paper and sacks of white rice. even my purse is a Mary Poppins bag of tricks and supplies. i find security in knowing i am prepared no matter what kind of disaster should strike.... but geez, witnessing Sandy or, actually - seeing God's mighty hand over our earth - leaves me thinking: can we ever really be prepared?

Matthew 6:25-34  “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life.... But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

three

 after 1 year of working on a list that was continuously growing i have decided that it all comes down to 3 ABSOLUTE non-negotiables, the rest are just [strong] preferences or synonyms for:

1. HUMBLE
2. SELF-LESS
3. RELIABLE

Basically, the characteristics that make Christ, Jesus Christ.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Edit:

FOUR

Humble
Empathetic
Reliable
Self-less

teaching parallels

The other day as I sat in a new teacher workshop, the speaker said we should be hitting the Disillusionment phase. I immediately saw this as a parallel to the phases found in new Christian life at the beginning of our relationship with God (and I suppose romantic relationships as well, but I even start that dialogue right now).

• Anticipation - Teachers are eager and excited about their initial teaching assignment.  They have “big plans” about how it is going to be.   
• Survival - Reality hits.  New teachers can become overwhelmed with all the aspects of the job they didn’t anticipate.  They are working 60 hour weeks.  They still maintain their enthusiasm but are getting tired.  
• Disillusionment - New teachers are working hard, but feel they are not getting anywhere.  They are shocked at reality and wondering if this is the right profession for them.  Illness often characterizes this phase.  This phase also corresponds with parent conferences, first report cards, back-to-school night, and the first evaluation conference!! 
• Rejuvenation - New teachers have just had a few weeks off for winter break.  They have completed half the year and can see the end in sight.  They have gained some coping strategies to manage the problems they may encounter.  They begin to feel a sense of confidence.  They begin to focus on curriculum development. They are more optimistic about their capabilities. 
• Reflection - Towards the end of the year, new teachers begin to reflect on changes that they want to make for the next year.  They begin to critically analyze the past year, thinking ahead to what they will change for next year.

Steps towards coping with the Disillusionment Phase:
      1. Avoid highs and lows.
      2. Let go of perfectionism.
      3. Expect obstacles.
      4. Seek support.

Plug and chug "Christian" with the word "teacher" and you can see that with any meaningful and transforming event in life, there will always be stages of self-discovery, high energy, disappointment, struggle, loss, gain, reawakening, reflection, sorrow, and joy. However, the difference is that we don't rely on ourselves because we are too prone to sin and failure. Thank God we can always go to Him for wisdom and strength to win victories....

Isaiah 55:8-9  “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Proverbs 3:5 - Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.

daddy's girl

this weekend, there were so many awkward but silly and very endearing moments! praise God that our lives are so filled with idiosyncratic people and events, big and little!

i must say that when it comes to weddings, my favorite part is the moment between newlyweds and parents. it's the only time i cry a little bit. at Y & J's wedding on saturday, what began as a seemingly typical and polished waltz between father & daughter turned into a deeply poignant moment - indescribable by words... just feelable. when she drew her daddy tight around the neck and cried on his shoulder like a little girl, all that came flooding to me was a perceived lifetime of memories, gratitude, longing, painful separation, sweet parting, and slight fear for the unforeseen changes to come without each other. that made me miss my dad very much too. and then i thought to myself (oh boy, every bride needs super waterproof mascara on her wedding day!) hee hee. oh how sentimental our hearts can be! * mine just happens to become tender at the sight of a parent/child bond.

Lord be with little Evie.....

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. - Hebrews 11:6

fruitless

Psalm 139:23-24: Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!

people generally praise my high level of self-awareness and depth of understanding. however, this is often followed by genuine curiosity about why i am unable to apply this knowledge to my life in a practical manner [...]

the truth is that sin and deception are so deeply woven into our psyches, personalities, reactions, and habitual tendencies that it's hard to break free from such chains, especially subtle ones.
this is why we must rely on a high power other than our own intellect and problem solving skills. yes, faith and trust in Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.

in the mean time, it's selfish of me to pretend i'm healthy enough to engage in a stable and fruitful relationship with someone i care about.  i'm still wounded and therefore self-centered, and too tempted not to meet my own needs first.

of course, that doesn't make it okay and it definitely means i need to work even harder!

Isaiah 41:10 - So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. 

sane

insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result each time."

sanity is "wholeness of mind; making decisions based on the truth."

i choose to [at least try to] be sane.

My mind and my body may grow weak, but God is my strength; he is all I ever need. - Psalm 73:26
And this is the secret: that Christ in your hearts is your only hope of glory. - Colossians 1:27

5 pillars of manhood (jason ma)

WE NEED MEN OF GOD WHO WILL LOVE & RESPECT WOMEN OF FAITH...NEXT STOP "MANHOOD"

"I spent the day with a group of men in our house church learning what it takes to be a man of God when it comes to loving and respecting women. In our day an age most men are not men, they are boys. Most guys still want to marry their mom, have a women serve and take care of them, are not willing to take initiative or commit in a relationship, most men are still living in fear, not pursuing their callings by settling for “safe” because its easy. This is sad, upsetting and the standard must change.

Women don’t want to marry boys, they want to marry men. Women don’t want boys they have to put up with, clean up after and take care of, they want to be lead, pursued and taken on an exciting life adventure. If you go to most of the churches in the Western world today, you will find that there are very few spiritual men, instead there are many spiritual women. It’s disappointing, but I hear it from women of faith all the time, “Pastor Jaeson, where are the godly men?”

Today, a good brother and leader in our GBS community Daniel Ra explained what God showed him to be the “5 Pillars of Manhood” in how men must love, respect and serve women. It was enlightening and reinforcing from what I have been teaching men for years when it comes to pursuing a woman of God… of course none of us are perfect, we all have our mistakes, but we must each strive to be better and greater than what we were before yesterday, everyday making an effort to be more like God, to be just like Jesus, to be a man of faith and honor.

The 5 Pillars of Manhood…

1) Lead - A man must be a leader in a relationship, in a marriage, in a family. There are no excuses. A woman doesn’t want to make the decisions for her man, she wants her man to lead in the relationship. A man must take initiative. A man of God is leader, not a follower, a servant, not a slave, a hero not a coward. A man of God knows God and therefore knows himself. He should be the leader spiritually first, emotionally, mentally and physically he should set the standard for others to follow.

2) Protect - A real man of God will protect his partner. That means he is willing to lay down his very own life, needs and wants for the protection of the one he loves. Every decision he makes when it comes to a relationship has her protection in mind. A woman needs to feel secure, that she is protected and safe with her man. She doesn’t need to second guess, wonder if she will be okay, or have her heart and mind played with. A real man of God will not only protect his woman physically, but also mentally, emotionally and spiritually. He always has the highest good in his mind for her safety, well being and wholeness. This is for the Christian guys out there, don’t emotionally rape a sister, play with her heart and tell her you are just her brother or friend. That is BS. Man up. You either pursue a woman of God because she is God’s precious creation, or you don’t try touching it at all, or play with their hearts emotionally, unless you are willing to be up front and clear with your intentions and the direction of the relationship from the start. Emotional rape is as painful to a woman as physical rape. Women are emotional beings and their hearts are not to be played with. Protect your sisters heart.

3) Provide – A real man of God will do whatever it takes to provide for his significant other. That means monetarily in finances, in basic needs and as well as what she desires. When a man asks a father for his daughter in marriage, the father will not ask, “How are you doing spiritually first?” No, the first thing the father will ask is, “How will you provide for my daughter?” Because part of being and becoming a man is providing for others, especially your wife and children. If a man can’t provide, he isn’t a man. God gave us hands and we must put our hands to work, no excuses to be lazy, God made us to rule the earth. Women are not be treated as toys, trophies or a luxury item, women are God’s highest creation, the very image of God.

I tell men all the time, “Treat your woman like a queen and you will live like a king.” Don’t be cheap brothers, you need to go all out when it comes to pursuing a woman. This is not a one time thing, but a continual practice. Women were created for beauty. They were created beautiful, to feel beautiful to be treated beautiful. You don’t handle a rose without care, it is the same with a woman of God, you treat her with the utmost care, honor and respect. Practically, that means you don’t take a woman to Denny’s on a first date, you take her to a place that hurts your wallet, but it’s worth it because she is worthy.

Also, men must also provide for women emotionally. When a women asks you, “How are you doing?” She is really asking, “How are you being?” Meaning, what are you feeling, thinking, seeing, being about at the moment. To love a women we must provide at every level – basic needs all the way to providing for them mentally, emotionally and spiritually, if not their hearts will die. Be a man, provide for your women.

4) Integrity – A true man of God is a man of his word. Too many men in our culture break promises, play with women’s hearts, date girls as if it was a game, and have no respect for women at all. This is disgusting. In old times, when a man said “You have my word!” that word was bond, it was as if an actual contract had been written, because your word was your reputation. How many men do we know today who say one thing, but do another? Men who do not keep their word, their promise or follow through with their verbal commitments. In our culture we don’t take words seriously, but in God’s world words are everything. Blessings and curses come out of the same mouth. What comes out of our mouths determines what is truly in our hearts.

What a woman wants is a man of integrity. Someone who says what he does and does what he says. Someone they can trust at their word. So as a man you must come through. Words means nothing if they are not backed up with action. Don’t say sorry unless you mean it. Don’t say sorry unless you are able to back up your apologies with doing the right thing. Integrity is doing what is right, whether people are watching or not. Integrity is what you do when no one is looking. Does your woman trust you completely? If not, it is a question of integrity. Don’t tell a women you love her unless your love shows, words carry weight. They either carry false weight or real weight, a woman knows when a man means what he says.

So live by your words, live by action, be a living proof of your values, convictions and commitments. Don’t get involved in a relationship unless you are sure this what you want and what God is leading you both to do. I’ve had my share of mistakes in the past, where I got into a relationship without thinking about the consequences, protecting my sisters heart and the fear of the Lord from the get go, I’ve had to make amends and face the results of my sin and foolishness. Trust me brothers, don’t do what I’ve done in the past, don’t play games, don’t feed your fleshly desires, rather seek God, seek the best interest of the one you are pursuing, be honest, forthright from the start about your commitment and your vision for the relationship and stick to your word. Be a man of integrity.

If you pursue a women, it should be with the intentions of marriage. If not, stop playing yourself and her. It’s not about finding the right woman, it’s about being the right man. That starts with first knowing God in order to know yourself, then you will know how to love and respect a woman.

5) Courage - You are not a man until you climb the great wall of China! This is what it says at the actual great wall. Well, I have climbed the Great Wall of China so I guess I must be more of a man than others, just kidding. What is the greater underlying message here? It is a message of courage. It is a message of adventure. A man of God is a man of courage, a man of adventure, a man who is willing to take risks and do the impossible. Men were born to live a life of great adventure. Men were created to fight battles. Men were created to rescue beauties. Men were created to live.

Sadly, most men are not living. Most men are cowards, fearful and afraid of failure. Imprisoned by their own thinking and what others think about them. Many men are just boys waiting for their mother’s approval, or the approval of others in society. Most men I know are people pleasers, not God pleasers. They are more afraid of how others may reject them or not accept them if they choose to take the road less traveled.

All men die, few men truly live.

Women don’t want nice guys or good boys, women want men on a mission, men on adventure, men who are dangerous. This is why many women are drawn to bad boys because bad boys live with a sense of risk, danger, mystery and unknown. Men were created to live fearless and to live by faith. But if you walk into a church today what you find are a bunch of boys playing with their toys, working at predictable jobs — not their true callings, and living boring lives. It’s sad, but most guys get their sense of adventure from playing video games or watching TV, what happened to our men?

A man of faith will sweep a woman of God off of her feet. He will challenge her to go the distance in God, in their relationship and in life. A man of courage is someone who in the face of fear still chooses to move forward with trust in God, setting out to obey God’s voice at whatever the cost, because that is what matters the most. We need men who have hearts fully alive, hearts full of passion and are on a mission to change the world. There is a high cost to being a man of courage, there is a price to pay if we want to be a real hero, it means we are willing to go against the grain, follow God against all odds and live a life of honor, courage and righteousness.

When a woman finds a man of courage, it will encourage her to be all that God has created her to be. As a man, your goal is not how your woman can serve you, but how can you serve your woman? As a man, your goal is not how a woman can serve your destiny, but how can you do all that you possibly can to release the fullness of God’s glory and destiny in her.

Men take the lead, protect at all costs, provide in every way, live by your word and live a life of adventure with the Holy Spirit — obey God, not man and you will be the man of God you were created to be — and your woman will love you for it."

fear and self-loathing

i recently met a kindred soul who understands my internal struggle to behave like a "normal person". she too shares in similar childhood experiences and feels the same desire (to be a quieter, calmer, shyer, more feminine girl).

she mentioned hurtful trigger words:

• calm down...
• be quiet !!!
• chill out !
• you're loud.
• you're scary... (ok, i added this one)

i agree with her. something inside me truly shuts up when people tell me to be quiet or calm down. i admit that i have a hyper-sensitivity that "normal" people don't - stemming from a deeply profound complex and fear of being pegged as loud and attention-seeking; and therefore unattractive and burdensome.

well,  i've come to terms with the fact that i probably won't change my outgoing, rather rambunctious nature. even trying has made me completely miserable, not to mention a super phony. instead, i embrace that God has given me something that i can fine tune (with maturity, control, and self-awareness) to be used for good and not evil.

To Be Continued...

"damn few"

war movies deeply affect me in ways that other movies cannot. although Act of Valor fell short in acting and seamless coordination of script and action sequences... it still left me humbled by the reality that there are men and women putting themselves in the line of fire - every single hour, while we continue to live in the ignorance of the imminent threats around us.

courage. honor. discipline. sacrifice.

how can you not respect and honor soldiers for their bravery and commitment? they put my civilian life into perspective.... how petty are my complaints and worries!

::spoiler alert::::

at the climax of the movie, one soldier jumps on a grenade not only to save his fellow band of brothers, but for the ultimate success of the mission at hand (to keep suicide bombers from dispersing into the US).  i know real life soldiers are willing to do this everyday (giving up their lives, their families, their futures) so that they can secure the nation's safety.

what an illustration of the great and beautiful sacrifice of Jesus on the cross. He jumped on that ultimate and eternal grenade so that all creation could be forgiven and know God intimately.  what then, should we not be willing to do for God and to spread the good news of His love and eternal kingdom??

"What is all the fame and flattery worth ... when a man comes to face eternity? I know that cricket would not last, and honour would not last, and nothing in this world would last, but it was worthwhile living for the world to come. If Christ be God and died for me, then no sacrifice can be too great for me." -Charles Studd (Cambridge Seven Missionaries)

when clouds part

"Have you ever traveled to a mountainous part of the world when it was cloudy and rainy? You look out your windows and you can see almost nothing but the ground. Then the rain stops and the clouds part and you catch your breath because there, towering right over you, is this magnificent peak. But a couple of hours later the clouds roll in and it has vanished, and you don't see it again for a good while. That is what it is like to get to know Christian. You have an old self and a new self. The old self is crippled with anxieties, the need to prove yourself, bad habits you can't break, and many besetting sins and entrenched character flaws. The new self is still you, but you liberated from all your sins and flaws. This new self is always a work in progress, and sometimes the clouds of the old self make it almost completely invisible.  But sometimes the clouds really part, and you see the wisdom, courage, and love of which you are capable. It is a glimpse of where you are going. "

Tim Keller - The Meaning of Marriage

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.