fear and self-loathing

i recently met a kindred soul who understands my internal struggle to behave like a "normal person". she too shares in similar childhood experiences and feels the same desire (to be a quieter, calmer, shyer, more feminine girl).

she mentioned hurtful trigger words:

• calm down...
• be quiet !!!
• chill out !
• you're loud.
• you're scary... (ok, i added this one)

i agree with her. something inside me truly shuts up when people tell me to be quiet or calm down. i admit that i have a hyper-sensitivity that "normal" people don't - stemming from a deeply profound complex and fear of being pegged as loud and attention-seeking; and therefore unattractive and burdensome.

well,  i've come to terms with the fact that i probably won't change my outgoing, rather rambunctious nature. even trying has made me completely miserable, not to mention a super phony. instead, i embrace that God has given me something that i can fine tune (with maturity, control, and self-awareness) to be used for good and not evil.

To Be Continued...