fat bro

the first time i talk talked to my brother since i left home and it went like this:

Daniel: you fat peeg
me: what do you waaant
Daniel: when you start school
well dont be a pig at school
is jessica going to school there
what the hell you been doing there all this time
me: i been working! i am working now
Daniel: ok fine you pig and call home
because people want to know what you doing there.
me: what happened to the hummingbird, did it really die???
Daniel: it is still up there on teh ledge
becoming a mummy
me: i call halmuny but she no pick up ever
Daniel: ok shut up
go to work
bye
me: no! working at cafe making me fat
i quit!! and catch the humming and set it free
Daniel: he ded
me: no!!! save it!
Daniel: stupid it been deh for like one week already
it rotting
or ants might eat
the house has ants all over
one night i come home and they all on my desk and bed
so i sleep in your room
me: HAHAHA
don't sleep in my bed
you smell like poo
who been using my bed?
Daniel: doggies pooed on your yoga mat
no one use your room
except watch tv and i play game sometimes
me: you stupid! they think it is the diaper pad
cuz it is the same color
Daniel: probably haha stupid
me: no you is the stupid. dogs are color blind!
Daniel: well they can see shades
so its the same shade to them
you stupid
you dont know anything
me: fine. clean the poo up
it better not be dry and crusty when i get back in dec
Daniel: you think its a big party over there
u and jessica and julie the three pigs go party every night
you supposed to be studying
me: no!
we study every night
and then pray and go to bed early
and eat munchies and get fat
Daniel: stupid
Daniel: ok pig you be smart
did you use the self defense moves i taught you
me: yes i did
it working very good
i use it on julie when she being stupid to me
Daniel: ok fine bye

jules says

this is ME down to the T:
if you don't know... now ya know.

Leo
Your psychological nature is powerful and full of self-confidence. You are a leader whose strength and nobleness command your entourage’s respect and adherence, with unchallenged legitimacy. Your ability to order, the prestige and charisma that emanate continuously from your person inevitably put you, under the spotlight, wherever you go.

With this Ascendant, you come across as proud, determined, wilful, loyal, solemn, generous, ambitious, courageous, heroic, full of vitality, creative, confident, seductive, happy, daring, majestic, honest, magnanimous, charismatic, responsible, noble, brilliant, radiant, dramatic, affectionate, full of humour, demonstrative, swaggering and self-confident. You can also be domineering, conceited, touchy, authoritarian, stubborn, intolerant, self-centered, irascible, violent, and nonchalant.

The Ascendant (or rising sign) is often considered the mask one wears when meeting others. Perhaps it is most aptly thought of as the automatic responses to one's environment. The Ascendant shows our natural defenses and how we cope with day-to-day issues. The energies of the sign and condition of the Ascendant are most overt and obvious to others. The Ascendant shows an individual's first, natural reaction to new people and situations.

to calculate yours: http://www.astrologycom.com/ascalc.html

pauper to prince

well, we're definitely moving on up. from a tiny hallway closet to a spacious condo. living is now living.

except, being here is bittersweet. it's so still and quiet.. and far from the city life. don't get me wrong, i love having time to myself to reflect and recuperate from being around the hustle and bustle. but at the same time, it makes me feel very lonely. being an extrovert in long island city is gonna be hard!

i can see where luxury can bring a sort of emptiness inside. there's just too much space from here to there, with absolutely nothing and no one to fill it with....

my roommates have more options than i do. they have a special someone to run off with and hold them and tell them secrets and keep them warm during the harsh ny winter.... but me? my only retreat is here! where can i run off to? how warm could a teddy bear keep me?

alone... i've been single for a full year now? (and i'm pretty good at it too.) it's been so so so great. epic! but it is slowly dawning on me that i need something more... perhaps it's the oncoming autumn? i want a dog so badly... for warmth, companionship, and just something to take care of and bring me little bits of happiness each day. if i get a dog, i think i could stay single for a good 4 more years.
(dog > guy)
but then again... (guys=dogs)
so i will accept whichever side of the equation appears first...
hehe... just kidding. i want me a puppy.

zap!

My friend was telling me recently about the previous owner of zappos and how he ran his company in a way that promoted self-motivation and authentic passion from his employees.

In fact, zappos would pay you a lump sum (of $6,000?) if and when you left their company. This would ensure that those working for zappos believed in the mission statement and genuinely WANTED to be there. Even with that whopper of a carrot dangling in front of their faces, they chose to work rather than get free money.... Genius. why don’t more companies do this?

When it comes to relationships, I take a similar policy to zappos. I’ve grown more confident over the years, (perhaps as a direct result of my callousness) and I don’t see a need to be needy. If a (real) man wants to be with me, he will. So why worry that he might leave me for someone else? That would be to his total and utter detriment anyways…. Yes, I trust in my own worthiness, but I also give this hypothetical partner the benefit of the doubt that he recognizes the treasure that he has (ho ho ho). And if he doesn’t want it anymore, by all means; here are 6,000+ (very expensive) memories. Take them and go~

Live long and prosper!

tourist trap

new york, new york.

ah, the sound of their rounded a's pronounced as o's. the outward vocalization of every complaint and thought. the bangs of murses and brusque briefcases against my thighs.... i bask in it daily.

i'm slowly beginning to lose what little ounce of patience and manners i previously had and conform to the way of the old yorker.

the thing about big city folks is that they're misunderstood! it's not like they lack warmth or love. They're not mean people out to get you. They just know that the city runs smoother a certain way, and they project that way onto others who just aren't as experienced.

in fact, they can be very kind, affectionate... full of very tough love. just don't ever get in their way or stand on the left side of the escalator. be efficient and mindful and you're sure to get on their good side!

no time to be sensitive. just follow orders and do it their way or risk belittlement and ego tearing pain.

shape up or ship out.

viva la nueva york!

i [can't afford to] ♥ ny

one great thing about being away from home is missing everything about it and realizing how i've taken it all for granted...

an even greater thing is when home misses you!! (specifically parents) they're so nice to me! as if they have forgotten all the trouble i've ever caused... and i've caused my share of trouble... puhaha! what dummies!.... lovable, sentimental dummies!!

i should probaby feel bad about calling my parents when i need korean food recipes or to whine for more money... but i don't cuz i know they want to give give give cuz they misssss meeeeeeeee~~~~ ♥♡♥♡

i like to pretend i'm a big, independent city girl. but i admit i am far, faaaar away land from it. yes, call me childish and immature... and utterly dependent. but i ain't complainin'


....a part of me never wants to go back.
(a very big part of me!)

le cycle

for one reason or another, we've found ourselves returning to this place every weekend. most of the time it comes down to friends from out of town wanting a loud place to experience the NY night life. other times, it's an invitation by people we know in the second degree who just want girls to fill a space (and enjoy our company while we enjoy their fully paid in alcohol).

if i stopped there, i would only be scratching the surface of the matter. cuz there's always an underlying, deep rooted issue behind the things we do or do not do... right?

we choose circle over all the others in this vast city because it allows you a safe place to let loose, in the presence of those who have similar backgrounds and expectations, so you don't feel too uncomfortable. ( i.e. other koreans.)

but it basically boils down to a cheap thrill. when you're single, you unknowingly have an appetite for closeness, warmth, some sort of affection. i'm gonna be frank and say that girls just want to be held sometimes. whether it be by a friend at church, or by a random moderately attractive stranger in a loud nightclub... we just want to feel wanted. dun matta that it's only for 5 minutes. dun matta that it's too dark to even see our faces. it's the fast food"take whatever i can get" mentality. but at what point does it ever feel like enough? how far will we go to experience just a little bit of mutual attraction for the night? why the endless cycle of wasting perfectly good weekends, hoping to satiate a hunger that probably can never be satisfied? and what is the point? especially when others don't have such [innocent] intentions....which then leaves too much room for miscommunication which can lead to confusion and anger... shudder.

i think it's about time to give it all up and just be content.

for now.

saying goodbye to someone when the next hello is uncertain? it's the THE WORST. this is not a goodbye for now, see you soon! kind of bye, this is a i want to say to your face: freaking take care of yourself and don't do anything stupid or else many people will be pissed at you and you better come back safe!! kind of goodbye that you end up not being able to vocalize because your throat is all closed up from your eyes trying to eat up as much sight as it can and your brain trying to catalog those last moments into your permanent memory....... you know those kinds??

how can you not feel a teary eyed concoction of fuzzy sadness, worry, regret, disturbia... in those last fleeting moments?

Godspeed... a very buzz-lightning-Godspeed!

deal maker to deal breaker

when I was younger, i used to be able to find the good in everyone. and it used to be enough. but i find that as i get older, (wiser, jadeder, and more cynical in general), it's much easier to notice the bad qualities in people and let that judgment prevail.

when it came to guys, i was able to make deals with myself by seeing them through a blinded lense of youth and innocence. i was able to focus on only the attractive, unique, or good aspects of their personalities or looks, so other things didn't seem so important. e.g. he's such a good listener. he's very loyal....oh but his eyebrows are so dense and full of intellectual prowess...

now, i can only see through a microscopic lense that first finds faults and weaknesses in people.


10 years ago, if the dating game had been a game of Deal or No Deal, i would have opened maybe three shiny cases and succumbed to the banker on the other end of the line, satisfied with a mediocre package. but now, my greed and self absorption don't allow me to settle for any deals or for any cases, no matter how risky it seems to pass them up. instead, i deny myself opportunities, determined to win the biggest prize that I will allow myself to settle for.

the question is: is there enough behind all that silver to even satiate my growing greed? or will nothing make me happy?.....

i must be really bored.

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS - HOW DID YOU GET IT?
I have a bump on my lower lip cuz I was playing on a ramp and my fat head swung forward and my lip busted itself on the ramp and my mom was too cheap to stitches me… =(

2. WHAT ARE ON THE WALLS OF YOUR ROOM?
collages of a guy named James cuz we're subletting his place. haha. but the walls are close enough for a decent sized guy to hold himself up with his hands and feet… yeah. We live in a hallway room.

3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP?
No. I’ve been told I smile in my sleep though…

4. WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
music.

5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
My mom’s water broke while eating a bowl of jja jang myun… must have been lunchtime.

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
Stronger air conditioning!!

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?
My dog being a puppy and sleeping on my lap… and i miss my gramma!!

8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION?
Right now.. my smart phone cuz it saves my life everyday.

9. HOW TALL ARE YOU?
5' 1.5” ....don't hate!

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
no

11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
Sometimes...... i run through dark hallways.

12. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
Me.

13. WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?
Not having a strong enough faith.

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
There are more things to worry about besides eye colour you crazy questionnaire!

15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF GETTING ENGAGED?
in my mind..... haha jk. I don’t care as long as it is to a good man.

16. DO YOU PREFER COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINKS?
Tea.

17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
me no likey pepperoni.

18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Ice cold watah!

19. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?
blue.. green… aqua. oceany colors.

20. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH?
What a waste of a good question.

21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU'VE EVER RECEIVED?
my tiny little cross necklace from nathan alan... i lost it and i still miss it very much!!

22. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?
Right now? Maybe…

23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
No. I’m fat.

24. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?
Forever 21 always gets me....

25. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE CELEBRITY?
go read my previous entries...

26. DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW?
At home.. where I do not live! :(

27. WHAT KIND IS IT?
Maltese… she is probably really really fat now… I wonder if she will remember me when I return!?

28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON WOULD LEAVE?
Can’t choose who ya love~

30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED.
17.

31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
Depends, what’s their face look like?

32. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE QUOTE?
"why does looking at animals covered in oil make me sad, but looking at animals covered in oil and deep-fried make me hungry?" - stephen colbert

33. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PLACE?
Heaven.

34. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN OUTSIDE OF THE COUNTRY?
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

35. WHAT ARE YOUR WEAKNESSES?
i already told you.. i'm fat.

36. HAVE YOU EVER MET ANYONE WHO WAS FAMOUS?
Yes. who cares.

37. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST JOB?
Legal job? Never. haha

38. HAVE YOU EVER PRANK CALLED ANYONE?
All the time.

39. DO YOU THINK EVERYONE OUT THERE HAS A SOULMATE?
I hope so… I trust God is a good match maker.

40. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS OUT?
Reading jean’s answers. ^_^ hiii

41. HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY?
two words: wisdom teeth. three more: don't do it.

42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ON MOST?
My fingernails color.

43. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES?
No. saved a lot of money too!

44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Babies.

45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT? THEIR NAMES?
3 or 4. I don’t want to say cuz there are unintentional baby name stealers out there.. you know who you are! Or... i guess you don’t know who you are until you do it!! haha

46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Yes. Joy. The emotion my mother hoped I would bring to others. -_-

47. WHAT IS THE BIGGEST TURN OFF FROM THE OPPOSITE SEX?
1. ugly/annoying laugh or eating habits
2. timid and insecure
3. ditzy
4. mean or no sense of humor
5. not nice teeth/smile
6. skinny


48. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU LIKE(D) ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL?
cheer

49. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE?
Back to my junior high herbal essences cuz everything else is so expensive!!!

50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Only when I can read it

51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Thinly sliced turkey.

52. DO YOU HAVE ANY BAD HABITS?
It’s all subjective....

53. ARE YOU A JEALOUS PERSON?
More possessive than jealous…

54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
No doubt. but i'd be pretty annoyed by me. aahha

55. DO YOU AGREE WITH BEING FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS?
Benefits… as in perks from work? Like getting 50% off??? then yes yes yes

56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
Attraction matters. Looks are subjective. but if you're a girl. yes. sorry but guys like pretty girls.

57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
Verbal vomit. write in a secret blog sometimes... Would prefer to beat a piñata with a bat…

58. WOULD YOU RATHER GAIN 58 POUNDS OR LOSE 58 POUNDS?
What kind of stupid question is this. Of course lose weight. I would be my ideal Korean weight if i lost 58 lbs!!??

59. WHAT'S YOUR MAIN GOAL IN LIFE?
to do more kingdom work & keep my eyes on the prize.

60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
barbies... i still want that birthday barbie.

61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?
Who cares. It’s annoying me right now cuz i can't remove someone from my favorites!

62. WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A LITTLE KID?
No.

63. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
Shut up.

64. DO YOU PREFER MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE?
I yam a potato girl.

65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
1. True disciple of Christ.
2. 진심으로 착한 남자
3. loves his career
4. buff enough to carry me easily. sports. sports. sports.
5. great sense of humor... quick witted!
6. basically: more masculine than me in every way.
(srsly... not too much to ask.)

66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
Jo, jojomohosomojo, fatman, fatboy, 돼지

67. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE SUPERHERO?
Superman.

68. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW?
Modern family. The Simpsons. Mad men.

69. WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH YOUR ENEMIES?
Pray for them.

70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
Haagen daz coffee

71. DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES?
Yes.

72. DO YOU HAVE A COMPUTER IN YOUR ROOM?
I’m a mac now.

73. DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS FOR TONIGHT?
Obviously not if I’m doing this. -_-

74. WHERE DO YOU WANT TO LIVE WHEN YOU ARE OLDER?
Anywhere my husband has a good career.

76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
Christina Aguilera – What A Girl Wants (don’t judge me, I’m in a 90’s mood tonite!) & jess’ laughter.

77. WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU DRANK?
Rice to riches – raisin rum flavor


78. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU SPOKE WITH ON THE PHONE?
Julie. I misdialed.

79. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX?
buff... tall with big shoulders.

80. WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO IN YOUR SPARE TIME?
Blog. Facebook. Buy groceries. (so sad, sad life I live)

81. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE THING TO HATE?
Celebrities

82. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?
All four, if they are true seasons.

83. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CANDY?
Melty blend chocolate.

84. HAVE YOU EVER REALLY AND TRULY HAD A BEST FRIEND?
Jesus is my Homeboy.

85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR?
A very deep, dark brown… enough to be black.

86. WHAT IS YOUR EYE COLOR?
A very deep, dark brown… enough to be black.

87. WHAT IS YOUR SHOE SIZE?
8.. shh don’t tell.

88. WHERE IS YOUR FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE?
Mcdonald’s always gets me.

89. WHERE IS YOUR FAVORITE RESTAURANT?
Right now: Kenka
At home: Roman Cucina

90. DO YOU LIKE SUSHI?
No. i LOVE sushi.

91. DID YOU WATCH TV TODAY?
No. for I do not own one anymore :’(

92. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
Day before any Holiday.

93. DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?
Air guitar.

94. ARE YOU A REPUBLICAN OR A DEMOCRAT?
I stand for Republican economics and Democratic ideals.

95. DO YOU PREFER HUGS OR KISSES?
I like hugs. Kisses?? Tell me, what do they feel like???

96. DO YOU PREFER RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
I prefer two night stands (better lighting when you read a book in bed).

97. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?
Fruit. Lots and lots of fruit.

98. WOULD YOU EVER BE A HOUSEWIFE?
um.....WOULD I!?!??!?! …….i would cry a river of tears if i couldn't be a housewife.. then i'd pick myself up and go get a career. haha

99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
The Bible.

100. DESCRIBE YOUR LOVE LIFE.
Invisible like Clay Aiken.

A+

what women want (so i'm told):
Attention
Affirmation
Affection
Adoration
... Affluence (bonus, hehe)

true friends club

upon a star...

*talents i wish i had

black & blue

ah, the age old dispute about who is the better superhero...

personally, Superman has and always will be the one. for me, it's not about who is the better crime fighter or who can win in a death match (which would probably be Superman anyways). rather, i look into the character and depth of their manhood.

even with his incomparable strength and talent, Clark Kent stays humble, meek, and morally upright. he is uniquely altruistic and has a kind & gentle heart... always helping those who are suffering. so self sacrificing... the fact that he has a detrimental weakness (the green rock) makes him even more endearing; more human and sincere. not to mention, he has amazing romantic timing whenever lois lane is in any trouble. and he only has eyes for her... ♡ (big plus that he can carry her forever and never get tired... and fly at the same time!!)

batman is too dark and brooding for my taste. and Bruce Wayne flaunts his riches and wealth for his haughty ego. what would he be without his money and techie toys? probably the above average douchey buff guy you see at the gym... and he's also got some major childhood trauma. can we say emotional baggage? does he even sacrifice anything for the woman he loves? who was it again? catwoman? poison ivy? some bad girl that is involved in a plot against him? psh, get your act together man.

juls has this ongoing theory that superman/coke lovers are simple traditionalists whilst batman/pepsi lovers are more hipsterish complicated folks. which, i have found to be true most of the time.

thank you silly poster...

나.
진짜
자존심 상했다....

i guess
this city is too big.
and i'm just too small....

silentregret.com

my life is officially a kdrama...
1. i have no family (here).
2. i have like, 2 friends.
3. i live in a corroding walk up building that smells like the French Renaissance... (ㅜ_ㅜ)
4. i work my heiny off at a vegan cafe for minimum wage
5. i will be tutoring a young asian boy with autism...
6. i cry... a lot.

BUT i don't recommend you watch this drama because:
1. there are absolutely NO love interests, (no rich, thoughtful, kind, selfless princes that come to a romantic, well timed rescue!)
2. just tons of frustrating situations
3. bad decisions that don't get resolved...
4. no shining inheritance whatsoever.
5. the main character is NOT super skinny, pale as the moon, pretty, cute, amusing, altruistic, or charming in the least. the main character is... dun dun dun.. humble, chubby, little ME!


.. but it still sounds kinda addicting doesn't it?? keke

hello.. good bye!

this past week has made me feel very odd. to think... nothing will ever be the same when i return.. not even me!

seeing friends for the last time and saying good bye made me feel as if i were going off into the arms of the grim reaper..

this is definitely a little death of some kind. the end of an era. movement away from all things of the past and progression towards a brighter future.

good bye childhood.
hello responsibility... and bills!
good bye california girl.
hello city chic chick!
good bye friends and family...
hello husband!
good bye comforts of home...
hello suffering and growth!
good bye naivety.
hello wisdom and discernment!
good bye hopes and dreams...
hello goals and successes!

good riddance, me!
and welcome, you!

it's just like...

some analogies i've been thinking about lately:

1) trying to fix your broken white out tape is like attempting to salvage a relationship. at first you're hopeful about fixing it cuz you think it's that simple. as time passes, you know you should just give up and throw it away cuz you're not getting anywhere, but then the time you already spent seems like a waste. so you continue on but know in the back of your head that it's a failed attempt. the longer you try, the more messed up and harder it gets to fix it. in the end, you just end up with sweaty armpits, a bad temper, a broke white out, and a useless relationship. next time, just quit early!!

2) being in love is just like being in pain. when you're in it, you're so deep in it that you can't focus on anything else. (that's the nature of love & pain.. an all engrossing, attention whore of a thing.) but when it's over, you completely forget what it felt like and you swear you've never been in it before!
2 a) i wonder if anyone has ever had their heart broken and 3 wisdom teeth pulled simultaneously... cuz that would really suck. or maybe if you fell in love while getting your wisdom teeth pulled, the two would offset each other and you would be in a state of limbo?? maybe your body would spontaneously combust!

3) searching for a new church is like searching for a spouse. it won't be perfect, but at the same time, it's gotta be juuuuust right. eeeek!

these are a few of my favorite things...

i began my mental and physical packing regimen today. and it's scaring me... the dreamy idea of living in the big city with my two best friends sounds so exciting, and daring, and refreshing, and grown up. but the reality of moving and creating a new life brings me back down to earth real quick....

where will we live? how big will it be? how much will it cost? wait, how will i pay for this? who will be our friends? what church will we attend? how will we get around? will we get lost? or worse, lost and then mugged? OH GAWT, WHAT WILL WE EAT?!?!?!

sigh. i always thought i was a minimalist.. or maybe i used to be. but somewhere along the line.. i started to become an evil pack rat!!! packing today reminds me how much i love my things. i love having my clothes. and colored pencils. and lotions. and potions. and dvds. and mittens. and pillows. millions of pillows. and lots of colorful hangers. and cute post-its. and nailpolishes. and shoes. and purses... and curling irons. and stuffed animals.. and AND et cetera!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what will i do when i have to leave all of this behind and begin a new? i need to detach myself from all of this junk immediately. oh! it hurts.... somebody take the pain away! or someone just come rob me while i'm not here....

gosh, i want to punch myself in the face! i need to get myself back to that canoe in the Black River in the middle of the Amazon when I had nothing... not even white water to drink. and i was so so content. just praying and praising God. and not worrying about what we would eat (which was nothing) or the (ugly mismatching) clothes on my back... i miss missions!!! i need more Jesus and less life....

1 John: 15-17

big fish in big apple

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord directs his steps. -Proverbs 16:9