patience is a virtue

This past week, my supervisor referenced Aesop's fable about the tortoise and the hare as an analogy to the slow, but sure progress one can make during therapy - of course one needs to take on the characteristics of the tortoise and not the hare ( i wonder, is being the hare ever beneficial under any circumstance?)

as she told the fable, a lightbulb flickered above my head... all the biggest (and smallest) mistakes that i have made in life have been attributed to my foolish hare-like rashness and overconfidence. oh why! oh why? if only i could have stopped and become more like the tortoise, maybe i could have claimed more victories.

ah, but it is never too late to don a hard shell and slow down in this race called life.

so help me God...

Ecclesiastes 9:11

baby bear

have you ever made ratatouille?

well, i haven't.

but i would imagine one has to balance a delicate ensemble of spices, vegetables, and flavors to get the perfect tenderness and taste!

There is much debate about what makes the ratatouille perfect... some cooks, including Julia Child, insist on a layering approach, where the eggplant and the zucchini are sautéed separately, while the tomatoes, onion, garlic and bell peppers are made into a sauce. The ratatouille is then layered in a casserole – aubergine, courgettes, tomato/pepper mixture – then baked in an oven. blah blah blah...

well, as always, i see ratatouille as the perfect analogy to a relationship: one ratatouille's smells and flavors will be juuust right for someone, and then just won't cut it for someone else. that's why i say that God is the best chef ever, and he matches the perfectly distinct ratatouille recipe with the perfect kind of ratatouille connoisseur .

well, to each his own!

monkey see, monkey do

i used to joke about how i was afraid i was becoming my mother... then this weekend i realized (alarmingly) how sure i've already become her.

not only have i experienced the spiritual manifestation of suffering and grief passed down upon me from the past two generations... but i have the same (emotional and acts of service) tendencies as my mom.

1. when my friend fell very ill on wed night, i saw myself reacting in just the way that my mom would when something had happened to me... towards my treasured friend - although i didn't want it to be - my emotional response was one of anger and chastising; all these were symptoms of my deep worry for his well-being, of course. (odd, because i myself used to hate her reactions and complain about it all the time) my mom's incessant style has permeated so deep that it is spewing out of the crevices of my own being!

2. on thanksgiving night, i felt the sense of duty and desire rising within me. so, i took a natural course of action - wrapping up all the leftovers and cleaning up the kitchen after dinner. all this while everyone played games (really fun group games, mind you!).  for me, i found more pleasure in stuffing the tupperware just right, while listening in and chuckling at the ridiculousness of my friends. (i was so thankful that my friends could understand my heart's desires and leave me in peace. thanks guys.) i used to feel guilty and wonder if my mom enjoyed taking on the clean up duty while everyone rested but now i see... and now i also echo her force-ful, yet loving way of shoving food into the hands of people going out the door.

creepy how we are such carbon copies of our parents... right?
we even walk, laugh, and cook like them...

tiger

there is something so simple and straightforward, yet so complicated about shoes. everything about them has to be just right. 

through an offer i couldn't refuse, i tried the shoes on. they felt very comfortable, with all the padding at the bottom and on the arch. the size felt right. i was satisfied with the color and sleek charm of the shoe. i knew it was my first pair of onitsuka's so i couldn't completely trust them, but i had hope for them. exciting...

the first time i walked 30 blocks in the shoes, they felt good. however, when i got home, i realized that the front of the shoes just didn't seem right (but i didn't want to admit it to myself). my big toes kind of hurt from being confined and suppressed. however, i believed i could stretch that part out with more wear, more love, more effort. 

as i continued to wear the shoes, i became deeply disappointed. i realized that it is an intrinsic part of the shoe that won't change. i either have to stop wearing them, wear them only in short periods, or just accept the pain (as i do with heels). but i don't think sneakers should ever be uncomfortable.... that is THE definition and purpose of sneakers! i shouldn't have to compromise and tell myself it is acceptable. there are other shoes that are much better for me and my big fat toe! 

lefty

today i had a revelation about my left hand. well, more specifically, my left thumb.

i have found great appreciation for it, through losing it. 

i happened to sprain my left thumb on saturday (during a punt reception) and i have become amazed at how unable i am to comfortably carry on with daily activities. 

i always thought since i am a right-handed person, that my right hand is so much more valuable and necessary; but this isn't so. it turns out that my right-hand, in conjunction with the use of my left hand, is made whole and useful. (if my right hand is holding the tooth brush, my left thumb needs to squeeze the toothpaste out.) (if my right hand is holding the knife, my left hand needs to hold the bread to spread the jelly.)

they say you don't really appreciate something until it's gone. well, i say, thanks for only being gone a short time (hopefully) so that when you return, i can truly appreciate you for your worth in my life, my left-thumb. 

cling-on

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
-Jeremiah 29:11


Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
-Philippians 4: 6-7

palliative medicine

i guess we don't ever really realize how necessary pain is for our well-being.

1. we need pain to know how to protect ourselves from things that cause damage.
(for instance, sore throat sprays block pain receptors, but it only masks the symptoms of a greater issue. we need to find causes and cures rather than short term relief so we can learn to protect ourselves)

2. we need pain to learn and grow.
(we learn how not to touch that particular part of the stove, or how not to react to a situation in a certain way).

3. we need pain to realize how much we need God.
(God delivers us from trouble. No matter how hard your situation, God can deliver you; He is creative. If we call on Him, He comes. -The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer -2 Sam 22:2)

there is purpose to pain.

hopes & dreams

one day...
i will make enough money + have enough time
to take guitar + piano lessons...
so that i can worship + praise God more fully!
and maybe even write some original praise songs...

egg-yo

the other day, i was watching/learning/helping ajumma make neng myun at home.

i learned three things:

1. start cracking the hard boiled egg from the fatter end.

2. no matter how hot or hard, have patience and persevere til the end!

3. seemingly simple tasks have more complicated meaning as we get older... 

as i was watching ajumma sweep around the kitchen, cutting up cucumbers and boiling the noodles, i found myself telling her how watching her suddenly made me miss my mom. it made me realize how long it's been since i've seen her in the kitchen. growing up, my grandmother always made me do the dishes (she'd tell me it was good practice for when i would be a wife). and she'd train me to peel and cut fruit (she'd tell me it was good practice for when i would be a daughter-in-law). whenever i'm home, my mom always calls me to the kitchen to watch her cook stuff. i guess that's why i enjoy it. cooking is not only stress relieving and calming, it gives me such good feelings and memories of the silent connection that linked me+gramma & me+mom. 

so naturally, when i stood there watching, ajumma would not allow me to really do much. however, she did hand me ONE task that day. she brought over 3 hard boiled eggs and told me to peel them. she taught me that you should crack them at the fatter ends first (it really does work better!). one touch and i noticed how hot those freakin' eggs were!!! i mentioned they were hot (hoping she would dunk them in cold water for a bit longer) but she just shrugged and said, yeah, they're hot huh?  so what could i do? i felt like it was not only a test of my determination, but my womanhood itself. (korean women cook and clean with strange resistance to temperatures on their hands). so i had to pretend that everything was dandy. all i remember were the beads of sweat forming from the heat and nervousness, trickling down my forehead while i screamed aloud - only in my mind...  i told meself: the pain will be over soon. the pain will be over soon. just crack them eggs and peel them delicately....you must prove yourself! the hard work paid off with perfectly peeled eggs to put in our cold neng myun. funny thing is, i think i was the only one who noticed... haha! 

wanderlust

we've been talking about our travel fantasies a lot lately (summertime tends to do that to ya) and i thought about why i've always held these special places in my heart...

Greece - cuz i used to really be into greek mythology (my first aim sn was aphrodite6 -_-) also, i read this fictional book about a goddess in junior high and i've lusted after greece ever since...

Italy - cuz i've always loved italian food and people, and i even bought a Learn Italian! book/cd that i never read but can always undust. plus, there was that one episode of everybody loves raymond, shot in italy and that beautiful pan-out screen shot of the houses on the hills... seriously took my breath away.

Ireland - cuz the irish in me will never die... i've always had an affinity towards ireland due to my special day of birth^^

Philippines - cuz i grew up surrounded by Filipinos and their lovingly hospitable culture... oh and i'm sure the islands are gorgeous and their food is like a comfort food for me.

Moorea/Bora Bora - cuz it's so exotic.... the perfect island paradise. also, an upgrade from boring Hawaii (i'm just assuming that cuz i haven't been there yet lol)


sigh... if only i could be like anthony bourdain from no reservations! travel the world and experience exotic food, people, cultures... living a new life in every village and marketplace!

the only kind of traveling i will see in the next few years is from nyc -> la and back... =/

oppa~~

some guys love it... other guys can't stand it. you be the judge!
This is a translated article someone wrote about the korean art of "egyo":


Egyo
Egyo is one of those Korean words that find no exact equivalent in English. A rough translation would be "babyish charm". When a woman wants to "play cute" and purrs "nggggggg", or when she flutters her eyelashes rapidly, gives you a "Colgate smile" and turns on the charm guaranteed to make you want to hug her, swirl her around like a Cinderella in a ballroom, or just pinch her pretty cheeks, then she is displaying, or attempting to display egyo.


Egyo is a cross between feminine wiles and babyish cuteness. When a girl wants to play with her boyfriend who is too busy "playing macho" to care, then she unleashes the irresistible egyo . She looks down, pouts her lips, and tries to look horribly hurt, as though she would burst into tears any minute now. The boy's "superman- to -the- rescue!" instinct would be activated, and he would be all over her with," oh my baby, come here for a hug. Let me kiss your tears from thine eyes..".The girls pout would vanish miraculously , she smiles from ear to ear, puts out a thumbs up and say with a wicked gleam in her eyes," Yep folks, egyo never fails to work." Mission accomplished.


In the art of artifice, egyo is a strategic technique. Women seek to cultivate it because girly helplessness appeals to men's sense of masculinity. Both the woman and the man know that egyo is just a game, a game where the she swoons and he catches, where she acts petulant and he acts calm, where she is a stubborn urchin and he a reasonable gentleman, where she can be awfully impossible yet he, exceedingly nice. When a girl finds herself in a tight spot, unable to run away, unable to defend her position, she can always resort to sheer helplessness. When asked why she did what she did, she can pout like a kid in a tantrum and reply," molah molah" ( I don't know I don't know) .Unreasonable as this answer is, the man accepts it magnanimously as the right answer .He shrugs and says wisely, " girls!". Girl egyo makes the man happy.

Egyo is a survival strategy not only in the marriage market but also in the house. When the parents are mad at thei daughter for something she did, she can always resort to egyo. She turns kind, caring and lovely. The parents are pleased and they forgive her warmly. After all, the dad says, "she is our lovely daughter". Everything can be forgiven; another mission accomplished. Not all women can do egyo and get away with it. Egyo is that undefinable something that comes into existence as a result of the right ingredients converging all at once. It's likened to a fruit salad: only certain fruits go well with others to create a harmony of tastes. I learned this truth from painful experience. Wanting to express my feminine side, I puckered my lips into a cute pout and said prettily ,"molah molah". The reaction from my friends was swift and lethal: "YUCK!"

my best

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." 

- Marilyn Monroe

please be my 1 out of 10...

"Men's ministry leader Pat Morley reports that: for every 10 men in your church, 9 will have kids who leave the church, 8 will not find their jobs satisfying, 6 pay the month minimum on their credit cards, 5 have a major problem with pornography, 4 will get divorced, and only one has a biblical worldview."

train = man?

every subway line makes me feel different kinds of emotions:

7 - most reliable train. ever. completely consistent. it's just always there for you when you need it. the problem is, you don't want it that often... and even when you do get on it, it's just not that attractive or clean... and full of immigrants from Flushing.

N - when i see that the N is coming, it fills me with such great relief (because the N is the only one that always takes me to Queensboro Plaza). also very clean, new, and attractive seating arrangements. but at the same time, the N causes such great distress and disappointment when it shuts down or doesn't go across the east river... this inconsistency creates a love/hate relationship.


R - i just hate the R. in fact, it makes me angry to just see it. it's old, fugly, and doesn't take me home. except on the rare occasion when i'm traveling within the city or when i need to take it to Queens... then it's okay.. i guess~

6 - consistent on weekdays but so gosh-darn packed that it's frustrating to try and squeeze on it. however, it will take you up and down and all around the eastside. so i feel very comfortable with this train... the 6, what a manwhore.

J/Z/G - completely foreign... can be cause for adventure or utter failure. TBA

E - unexpected.


so, then, which type of train is my favorite? the stable 7 that will never fail me but just isn't that likeable? or the clean, chic N/Q that isn't reliable but fills me with a rollercoaster of highs and lows?

for now, i say that consistency beats out attractiveness and gusto. at least i know it will meet all expectations and take me where i need to go!!!

my brother's testimony

updated


"The Portmandeu of Dr Killermanjaro and His incessant Maelstrom of Love and everlasting Redemption" by Daniel Kim

        My first GNC service was more than two years ago but my conversion began very recently. For a long time, I attended service only now and then, when I felt I really owed it to God after an especially sinful week or when I really needed his help. For a large part of my life, I had a painful and self-destructive hunger in me that worldly frivolities would only temporarily subside. 

      In darkness and with an unclear mind, I would cry out to God with the hope that he would take pity and fix me. I always came to God for redemption, but I did not recognize him in joy. My spiritual life was selfish in the reasons I wanted God, this was clear to me my entire Christian life. What I have realized more recently is how selfish I also was in the WAY that I interacted with him. For quite some time, I had the same misgivings about the congregation that many non-believers have, and so I didn't pray with the church. Instead, I withdrew from community and sought God's grace in times of fear, desperation, and deep isolation, alone in my room at night. In my desperate search for that one on one relationship with God, I failed to witness how he was using the people in my life to speak to me. 

      We all know what wind is, how it works and how it feels. But wind can never be seen by itself; it can only be seen through the dust, the leaves, and the clouds that move at its whim. As I have truly opened my heart to God, I have seen more and more how important it is to know him through his people. And in serving him with my Christian brothers and sisters, my eyes have been opened to how his spirit moves the lives of the people around me. 

      God's love is so great and his blessings are all around us. As I have accepted these truths, God has filled my heart with so much love and joy. Through His love I have been able to recognize everyone around me as my brothers and sisters. And now there is no cultural divide, no social status, language barrier, or income bracket that can keep me separate from His children. Through his people, God has brought me such peace, joy, and courage that I am no longer afraid to speak my mind or show people my heart. The people that I have shared my story with can attest to how much God has changed and truly blessed my life in recent months. 

      I pray that my friends would be moved by how much God has blessed me and be inspired by the great things he is doing in my life. And it is my sincerest hope that EVERYONE at GNC would commune with one another and recognize how important the people around them are to understand and love our God. And in doing so, also realize what a blessing that they themselves are to the rest of the congregation. We are part of an intricate web, each strand strengthening the other, working together to glorify our Lord, who binds us forever in love and redemption.

diffuse

generally speaking, this is how the bombs differ.

angry girl bomb:

attempt to diffuse the bomb. if you just walk away from it, the end explosion will be more massive than if you try to deactivate the bomb right away. more time does not equal easier bomb. you are down to the wire, my friend. so get to work!

why? because no matter what the issue is about, an angry girl bomb wants to know first and foremost that you still love her. even if she is mad, a brat, fighting... she wants to know you care enough to stay with her work it out. so a hug or telling her that you want to talk about it will definitely cut the bomb time short and prevent a mushroom cloud of consequences.

angry boy bomb:

don't attempt to diffuse the bomb right away or it's is just going to get testier and harder to disassemble. it will be frustrating for both parties because the boy won't understand your efforts and they will go unappreciated (thrown back in your face). however, if you walk away and give him space, the bomb will wither and combust on itself, or at least become a benign, more approachable version easier to maneuver.

why? because when a guy is angry, i don't think he wants you to pamper him with love or affection. it's just going to annoy him. he's pissed and needs time to cool off from the emotion overload. when he calms down from the anger, then carry on because he'll be more likely to listen to your tactics for diffusing.

teaching children early

if you give a pig a pancake,

he'll want some syrup to go with it.

you'll give him some of your maple syrup.

he'll probably get all sticky,

so he'll want to take a bath.

he'll ask you for some bubbles.

when you give him bubbles,

he'll probably ask you for a toy.

you'll have to find your rubber duck.

the duck will remind him of the farm where he was born.

he might feel homesick and want to visit his family.

he'll want you to come too.

he'll look through your closet for a suitcase.....

etc, etc, etc.

hmm...

don't people say that.... men are pigs?

hehe
be careful ladies! pigs always want more than just pancakes....

happy love day! (or S.A.D. day)

a slow fast

julie and i are cereal monsters. our costco case of soy milk has been completey depleted within 2 weeks time and our cupboard has 1 box of cereal out of 7 left standing... so, are we ridiculously koo koo for coco puffs? or is there something else going on???

our TLC (small group) has been on a group 40 day fast to practice in line with Pastor Danny's sermon about a fasted life style. and so from Jan 7 to Feb 16, each of us has dedicated to sacrifice something in our lives that we are dependent on... but that may not necessarily be good for us because it is a "weight" that holds us back from running "the race" with all of our might.

For me, i decided on a couple things in my life that i had begun to take too much earthly pleasure in but were unnecessary for my well-being.

1. dessert & sweets. (my recent dependence on these for happiness had become quite unhealthy)

2. facebook (it was dominating my thinking and honestly just became a frivolous waste of time)

3. dating (talking about and thinking about relationships; just too much)

#3, i've failed at utterly. at one point i couldn't even quantify this goal, so i gave up on it. it's harder to control my thoughts and my tongue than i thought, especially in social situations when the conversation always ends up being about people, love, and relationships.

another thing (and here is where the cereal story comes in) is that no matter how hard i try to "give something up" i am so weak. as humans, we have natural survival tactics that allow us to adapt to our environments. hence, the sugary cake-like delights have been substituted with cereal and boba drinks. --- if this fast is about the heart, then i need to re-assess and re-adjust my thinking because i am really starting to enjoy my sweet, sweet Lucky Charms... =/

as Pastor Danny spoke about this past Sunday, you cannot expect change by filling hungry bellies up with food. there is still a spiritual desolateness within that needs to be filled up with the Truth, with God.

so, Phileo-α, just ONE more week left until deliverance! let's remind ourselves why we are even doing this in the first place and take joy in it! i hope we've really learned a lot about how freeing it is to deny ourselves physical and earthly pleasures in order to commune with God on a more spiritual level.

Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God. ✝ Matthew 4:4

wicked witches

i dreamt that i was superman.

i was gracefully flying around the world, enjoying the sights with the use of my physical prowess.

when suddenly a pack of wild witches began to chase me and chase me. the thought of being caught filled me with a sense of dread. and i didn't know why. even if i knew that these fears were unwarranted.

i tried to dive deeply into the ocean, i tried to zoom in between large sky scrapers in Tokyo and Hong Kong...

i even told myself that i could fly out of the earth's orbit and spin the earth backwards if i wanted to, and witches probably couldn't do that. but for some reason, i could not follow through. i tried reassuring myself of this, but to no avail. i kept second guessing myself and i just could not speed away in the lightning quick manner that i normally would.

i didn't know what they would do to me, or when they would finally catch me... so i was filled with such anxiety. all i could do was keep running away until i woke up, deeply dissatisfied with myself.

my analysis of this vivid dream:
1. these were left over visuals from the time i sat there and watched Shrek Forever After 3 times in a row and the imagery of the wicked green witches chasing down ogres really stayed with me, i guess.

2. it may be a physical representation of my mental state these days. as superman: a recognition of my self-worth and yet, a clear signifier of the inability to deliver myself from the things/people that force me to question my strength, dignity, and self-esteem.... ultimately, an illustration of my lack of control.

happy lunar new year!

the best time of the year to be Asian is now.

1. we receive free money for something as simple as a bow.
2. we can call a Mulligan for the mistakes made in January.
3. second chance to redeem your failing ways (i.e.New Year's resolutions)

so, let's start over.

this Rabbit year:

1. i will not whine or complain.

2. i will live with a positive attitude/outlook on life.

3. i will open my eyes even to the smallest of blessings and be more grateful for everything.

4. i will put in more effort to be diligent in my studies and disciplined to focus on the race.

so... bring it on large dancing dragon head.

i'm ready to face the (real) new year.

-jo