hopes & dreams

one day...
i will make enough money + have enough time
to take guitar + piano lessons...
so that i can worship + praise God more fully!
and maybe even write some original praise songs...

egg-yo

the other day, i was watching/learning/helping ajumma make neng myun at home.

i learned three things:

1. start cracking the hard boiled egg from the fatter end.

2. no matter how hot or hard, have patience and persevere til the end!

3. seemingly simple tasks have more complicated meaning as we get older... 

as i was watching ajumma sweep around the kitchen, cutting up cucumbers and boiling the noodles, i found myself telling her how watching her suddenly made me miss my mom. it made me realize how long it's been since i've seen her in the kitchen. growing up, my grandmother always made me do the dishes (she'd tell me it was good practice for when i would be a wife). and she'd train me to peel and cut fruit (she'd tell me it was good practice for when i would be a daughter-in-law). whenever i'm home, my mom always calls me to the kitchen to watch her cook stuff. i guess that's why i enjoy it. cooking is not only stress relieving and calming, it gives me such good feelings and memories of the silent connection that linked me+gramma & me+mom. 

so naturally, when i stood there watching, ajumma would not allow me to really do much. however, she did hand me ONE task that day. she brought over 3 hard boiled eggs and told me to peel them. she taught me that you should crack them at the fatter ends first (it really does work better!). one touch and i noticed how hot those freakin' eggs were!!! i mentioned they were hot (hoping she would dunk them in cold water for a bit longer) but she just shrugged and said, yeah, they're hot huh?  so what could i do? i felt like it was not only a test of my determination, but my womanhood itself. (korean women cook and clean with strange resistance to temperatures on their hands). so i had to pretend that everything was dandy. all i remember were the beads of sweat forming from the heat and nervousness, trickling down my forehead while i screamed aloud - only in my mind...  i told meself: the pain will be over soon. the pain will be over soon. just crack them eggs and peel them delicately....you must prove yourself! the hard work paid off with perfectly peeled eggs to put in our cold neng myun. funny thing is, i think i was the only one who noticed... haha! 

wanderlust

we've been talking about our travel fantasies a lot lately (summertime tends to do that to ya) and i thought about why i've always held these special places in my heart...

Greece - cuz i used to really be into greek mythology (my first aim sn was aphrodite6 -_-) also, i read this fictional book about a goddess in junior high and i've lusted after greece ever since...

Italy - cuz i've always loved italian food and people, and i even bought a Learn Italian! book/cd that i never read but can always undust. plus, there was that one episode of everybody loves raymond, shot in italy and that beautiful pan-out screen shot of the houses on the hills... seriously took my breath away.

Ireland - cuz the irish in me will never die... i've always had an affinity towards ireland due to my special day of birth^^

Philippines - cuz i grew up surrounded by Filipinos and their lovingly hospitable culture... oh and i'm sure the islands are gorgeous and their food is like a comfort food for me.

Moorea/Bora Bora - cuz it's so exotic.... the perfect island paradise. also, an upgrade from boring Hawaii (i'm just assuming that cuz i haven't been there yet lol)


sigh... if only i could be like anthony bourdain from no reservations! travel the world and experience exotic food, people, cultures... living a new life in every village and marketplace!

the only kind of traveling i will see in the next few years is from nyc -> la and back... =/

oppa~~

some guys love it... other guys can't stand it. you be the judge!
This is a translated article someone wrote about the korean art of "egyo":


Egyo
Egyo is one of those Korean words that find no exact equivalent in English. A rough translation would be "babyish charm". When a woman wants to "play cute" and purrs "nggggggg", or when she flutters her eyelashes rapidly, gives you a "Colgate smile" and turns on the charm guaranteed to make you want to hug her, swirl her around like a Cinderella in a ballroom, or just pinch her pretty cheeks, then she is displaying, or attempting to display egyo.


Egyo is a cross between feminine wiles and babyish cuteness. When a girl wants to play with her boyfriend who is too busy "playing macho" to care, then she unleashes the irresistible egyo . She looks down, pouts her lips, and tries to look horribly hurt, as though she would burst into tears any minute now. The boy's "superman- to -the- rescue!" instinct would be activated, and he would be all over her with," oh my baby, come here for a hug. Let me kiss your tears from thine eyes..".The girls pout would vanish miraculously , she smiles from ear to ear, puts out a thumbs up and say with a wicked gleam in her eyes," Yep folks, egyo never fails to work." Mission accomplished.


In the art of artifice, egyo is a strategic technique. Women seek to cultivate it because girly helplessness appeals to men's sense of masculinity. Both the woman and the man know that egyo is just a game, a game where the she swoons and he catches, where she acts petulant and he acts calm, where she is a stubborn urchin and he a reasonable gentleman, where she can be awfully impossible yet he, exceedingly nice. When a girl finds herself in a tight spot, unable to run away, unable to defend her position, she can always resort to sheer helplessness. When asked why she did what she did, she can pout like a kid in a tantrum and reply," molah molah" ( I don't know I don't know) .Unreasonable as this answer is, the man accepts it magnanimously as the right answer .He shrugs and says wisely, " girls!". Girl egyo makes the man happy.

Egyo is a survival strategy not only in the marriage market but also in the house. When the parents are mad at thei daughter for something she did, she can always resort to egyo. She turns kind, caring and lovely. The parents are pleased and they forgive her warmly. After all, the dad says, "she is our lovely daughter". Everything can be forgiven; another mission accomplished. Not all women can do egyo and get away with it. Egyo is that undefinable something that comes into existence as a result of the right ingredients converging all at once. It's likened to a fruit salad: only certain fruits go well with others to create a harmony of tastes. I learned this truth from painful experience. Wanting to express my feminine side, I puckered my lips into a cute pout and said prettily ,"molah molah". The reaction from my friends was swift and lethal: "YUCK!"

my best

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." 

- Marilyn Monroe

please be my 1 out of 10...

"Men's ministry leader Pat Morley reports that: for every 10 men in your church, 9 will have kids who leave the church, 8 will not find their jobs satisfying, 6 pay the month minimum on their credit cards, 5 have a major problem with pornography, 4 will get divorced, and only one has a biblical worldview."

train = man?

every subway line makes me feel different kinds of emotions:

7 - most reliable train. ever. completely consistent. it's just always there for you when you need it. the problem is, you don't want it that often... and even when you do get on it, it's just not that attractive or clean... and full of immigrants from Flushing.

N - when i see that the N is coming, it fills me with such great relief (because the N is the only one that always takes me to Queensboro Plaza). also very clean, new, and attractive seating arrangements. but at the same time, the N causes such great distress and disappointment when it shuts down or doesn't go across the east river... this inconsistency creates a love/hate relationship.


R - i just hate the R. in fact, it makes me angry to just see it. it's old, fugly, and doesn't take me home. except on the rare occasion when i'm traveling within the city or when i need to take it to Queens... then it's okay.. i guess~

6 - consistent on weekdays but so gosh-darn packed that it's frustrating to try and squeeze on it. however, it will take you up and down and all around the eastside. so i feel very comfortable with this train... the 6, what a manwhore.

J/Z/G - completely foreign... can be cause for adventure or utter failure. TBA

E - unexpected.


so, then, which type of train is my favorite? the stable 7 that will never fail me but just isn't that likeable? or the clean, chic N/Q that isn't reliable but fills me with a rollercoaster of highs and lows?

for now, i say that consistency beats out attractiveness and gusto. at least i know it will meet all expectations and take me where i need to go!!!

my brother's testimony

updated


"The Portmandeu of Dr Killermanjaro and His incessant Maelstrom of Love and everlasting Redemption" by Daniel Kim

        My first GNC service was more than two years ago but my conversion began very recently. For a long time, I attended service only now and then, when I felt I really owed it to God after an especially sinful week or when I really needed his help. For a large part of my life, I had a painful and self-destructive hunger in me that worldly frivolities would only temporarily subside. 

      In darkness and with an unclear mind, I would cry out to God with the hope that he would take pity and fix me. I always came to God for redemption, but I did not recognize him in joy. My spiritual life was selfish in the reasons I wanted God, this was clear to me my entire Christian life. What I have realized more recently is how selfish I also was in the WAY that I interacted with him. For quite some time, I had the same misgivings about the congregation that many non-believers have, and so I didn't pray with the church. Instead, I withdrew from community and sought God's grace in times of fear, desperation, and deep isolation, alone in my room at night. In my desperate search for that one on one relationship with God, I failed to witness how he was using the people in my life to speak to me. 

      We all know what wind is, how it works and how it feels. But wind can never be seen by itself; it can only be seen through the dust, the leaves, and the clouds that move at its whim. As I have truly opened my heart to God, I have seen more and more how important it is to know him through his people. And in serving him with my Christian brothers and sisters, my eyes have been opened to how his spirit moves the lives of the people around me. 

      God's love is so great and his blessings are all around us. As I have accepted these truths, God has filled my heart with so much love and joy. Through His love I have been able to recognize everyone around me as my brothers and sisters. And now there is no cultural divide, no social status, language barrier, or income bracket that can keep me separate from His children. Through his people, God has brought me such peace, joy, and courage that I am no longer afraid to speak my mind or show people my heart. The people that I have shared my story with can attest to how much God has changed and truly blessed my life in recent months. 

      I pray that my friends would be moved by how much God has blessed me and be inspired by the great things he is doing in my life. And it is my sincerest hope that EVERYONE at GNC would commune with one another and recognize how important the people around them are to understand and love our God. And in doing so, also realize what a blessing that they themselves are to the rest of the congregation. We are part of an intricate web, each strand strengthening the other, working together to glorify our Lord, who binds us forever in love and redemption.

diffuse

generally speaking, this is how the bombs differ.

angry girl bomb:

attempt to diffuse the bomb. if you just walk away from it, the end explosion will be more massive than if you try to deactivate the bomb right away. more time does not equal easier bomb. you are down to the wire, my friend. so get to work!

why? because no matter what the issue is about, an angry girl bomb wants to know first and foremost that you still love her. even if she is mad, a brat, fighting... she wants to know you care enough to stay with her work it out. so a hug or telling her that you want to talk about it will definitely cut the bomb time short and prevent a mushroom cloud of consequences.

angry boy bomb:

don't attempt to diffuse the bomb right away or it's is just going to get testier and harder to disassemble. it will be frustrating for both parties because the boy won't understand your efforts and they will go unappreciated (thrown back in your face). however, if you walk away and give him space, the bomb will wither and combust on itself, or at least become a benign, more approachable version easier to maneuver.

why? because when a guy is angry, i don't think he wants you to pamper him with love or affection. it's just going to annoy him. he's pissed and needs time to cool off from the emotion overload. when he calms down from the anger, then carry on because he'll be more likely to listen to your tactics for diffusing.

teaching children early

if you give a pig a pancake,

he'll want some syrup to go with it.

you'll give him some of your maple syrup.

he'll probably get all sticky,

so he'll want to take a bath.

he'll ask you for some bubbles.

when you give him bubbles,

he'll probably ask you for a toy.

you'll have to find your rubber duck.

the duck will remind him of the farm where he was born.

he might feel homesick and want to visit his family.

he'll want you to come too.

he'll look through your closet for a suitcase.....

etc, etc, etc.

hmm...

don't people say that.... men are pigs?

hehe
be careful ladies! pigs always want more than just pancakes....

happy love day! (or S.A.D. day)

a slow fast

julie and i are cereal monsters. our costco case of soy milk has been completey depleted within 2 weeks time and our cupboard has 1 box of cereal out of 7 left standing... so, are we ridiculously koo koo for coco puffs? or is there something else going on???

our TLC (small group) has been on a group 40 day fast to practice in line with Pastor Danny's sermon about a fasted life style. and so from Jan 7 to Feb 16, each of us has dedicated to sacrifice something in our lives that we are dependent on... but that may not necessarily be good for us because it is a "weight" that holds us back from running "the race" with all of our might.

For me, i decided on a couple things in my life that i had begun to take too much earthly pleasure in but were unnecessary for my well-being.

1. dessert & sweets. (my recent dependence on these for happiness had become quite unhealthy)

2. facebook (it was dominating my thinking and honestly just became a frivolous waste of time)

3. dating (talking about and thinking about relationships; just too much)

#3, i've failed at utterly. at one point i couldn't even quantify this goal, so i gave up on it. it's harder to control my thoughts and my tongue than i thought, especially in social situations when the conversation always ends up being about people, love, and relationships.

another thing (and here is where the cereal story comes in) is that no matter how hard i try to "give something up" i am so weak. as humans, we have natural survival tactics that allow us to adapt to our environments. hence, the sugary cake-like delights have been substituted with cereal and boba drinks. --- if this fast is about the heart, then i need to re-assess and re-adjust my thinking because i am really starting to enjoy my sweet, sweet Lucky Charms... =/

as Pastor Danny spoke about this past Sunday, you cannot expect change by filling hungry bellies up with food. there is still a spiritual desolateness within that needs to be filled up with the Truth, with God.

so, Phileo-α, just ONE more week left until deliverance! let's remind ourselves why we are even doing this in the first place and take joy in it! i hope we've really learned a lot about how freeing it is to deny ourselves physical and earthly pleasures in order to commune with God on a more spiritual level.

Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God. ✝ Matthew 4:4

wicked witches

i dreamt that i was superman.

i was gracefully flying around the world, enjoying the sights with the use of my physical prowess.

when suddenly a pack of wild witches began to chase me and chase me. the thought of being caught filled me with a sense of dread. and i didn't know why. even if i knew that these fears were unwarranted.

i tried to dive deeply into the ocean, i tried to zoom in between large sky scrapers in Tokyo and Hong Kong...

i even told myself that i could fly out of the earth's orbit and spin the earth backwards if i wanted to, and witches probably couldn't do that. but for some reason, i could not follow through. i tried reassuring myself of this, but to no avail. i kept second guessing myself and i just could not speed away in the lightning quick manner that i normally would.

i didn't know what they would do to me, or when they would finally catch me... so i was filled with such anxiety. all i could do was keep running away until i woke up, deeply dissatisfied with myself.

my analysis of this vivid dream:
1. these were left over visuals from the time i sat there and watched Shrek Forever After 3 times in a row and the imagery of the wicked green witches chasing down ogres really stayed with me, i guess.

2. it may be a physical representation of my mental state these days. as superman: a recognition of my self-worth and yet, a clear signifier of the inability to deliver myself from the things/people that force me to question my strength, dignity, and self-esteem.... ultimately, an illustration of my lack of control.

happy lunar new year!

the best time of the year to be Asian is now.

1. we receive free money for something as simple as a bow.
2. we can call a Mulligan for the mistakes made in January.
3. second chance to redeem your failing ways (i.e.New Year's resolutions)

so, let's start over.

this Rabbit year:

1. i will not whine or complain.

2. i will live with a positive attitude/outlook on life.

3. i will open my eyes even to the smallest of blessings and be more grateful for everything.

4. i will put in more effort to be diligent in my studies and disciplined to focus on the race.

so... bring it on large dancing dragon head.

i'm ready to face the (real) new year.

-jo

hoegaarden

today, i spent some quality time with my mom and the hoe. yes, a very large dirty hoe. i decided to swap my sweat time at the gym with some real sweat from the sun. with my hands and knees upon the earth and the soil between my toes is when i began to get philosophical...

so it began with a little bit of pulling and tugging of jap cho, aw how cute these little pieces are.... until i struck a deep cord somewhere down in the thick of things. this was not a weed, indeed. i wanted to rid my life of it immediately. i began to get all obsessive, digging and pulling. gardening is interesting because it requires a balance of powerful sternness and a delicate hand to ensure that you don't rip the root out prematurely. basically; dedication & patience. my mom couldn't understand why i was concentrating so roughly on such a beastly thing, but after a watching my struggle, i think she began to understand the feeling of catharsis i was working for and silenced herself.

as i continued to labor, i felt like i was at war with my life. the thing about weeding (literally and figuratively) is that you don't really notice the deep-rootedness of the issue (or the sin) until you begin to realize its presence in the garden and actively search the soil. it is then that you are appalled by the depth and the stubbornness of its hold on your life. and just when you think you've got it, the tricky bugger has sprouted sideways to different areas extending deeper and deeper into crevices unreachable. BUT! oh, how glorious it is to persevere until you physically hold the defeated roots of that deep-seeded labor! i have never felt so victorious over such an insignificant thing.

and now that i have downed a cold glass of naked juice, back to the hoe i go.

there are many more weeds i need to unearth...

bread and cheese

boys:cheese :: girls:bread

a fine, well-aged cheese goes oh-so-well with a slice of freshly baked bakery bread.

in fact, nobody wants newly churned cheese curd on a loaf of stale old bread, all crunchy and inedible.

even 1 day old bread loses its worth... on sale for 50% off!

sad :'(

realizing this as i get crustier and moldier....

i can't let you go 2010.

don't grow up

Today, we were eating at New Garden (God Bless you jja jang myun makers, i missed your black sauce noodles) and my second to youngest cousin (age 15) asked me (in particular) if i could drive him to a party after dinner. of course i said yes..but first i told him not to eat any onions if he was gonna go to a maaaake out partyyyy (har har!) when we were leaving, he was delicately balancing this big 김box in his hands as if it held something very precious. i asked him what was inside? he wouldn't let me open it... so i pried it out of his hands and forced it open only to find.... 4 chocolate cupcakes??!!!!!!!!!!!! lololololol

apparently he wanted a ride to this girl's birthday party at BJs... a senior! my cousin is a freshman in high school, mind you. and this is what he had prepared for her....

we (the older cousins, older yet still very obviously immaturerer) made fun of him like crazy!!! what the heck is that? you pansy! did you bake those? why only 4? you cheapo! didn't you get her a present?? why did you put it in that box? you wanna stop and get a real cake box to put it in you ghetto azz..... etc, etc.

i knew he would probly be very embarrassed at this point, so to make my cousin feel better about his cupcake baking, i started telling the story about my brother and how he was so in love with this girl named Roxy that when she was having a fundraiser and asked my brother for a donation, without hesitation, he forked over all of his weekly allowance and starved for the rest of the week. what a stupid azz.... funniest part of that story was that i remembered it but my brother didn't... -_- had he already forgotten his old sentimental self?

Point of story: every girl should know what it feels like to be a Roxy.... to know that although it may not seem like much... some boy is willing to hand bake cupcakes with rainbow sprinkles on your birthday and get them safely into your hands... or unknowingly sacrifice all his lunches for a cause that you believe in.

boys.. don't ever grow into douchey, hard hearted, selfish, thoughtless men. stay as sweet as that chocolate fudge on your cupcakes... forever!!!!

tears of a clown

i have this new theory about nice guys that is comparable to my theory about pretty girls.

very pretty girls (who have been pretty all their lives) tend to lack excitement and depth because they have not had to development interesting personalities. things just come easier in life... unlike girls of average or below average looks who have had to strive and build themselves up out of necessity; to survive in a shallow world and compensate with additional attributes to make up for where they fall short in looks.

very nice guys tend to lack depth and a sense of inner struggling, brooding, intensity because they have lived such lovely lives. nothing forced them to search deep within themselves and reflect and get all emotional and get in touch...

you know what they say about funny people too? that they have developed a sense of humor through the hard times life has brought them. they had to learn to make jokes and laugh about things in order to cope and move on... and keep from losing their sanity. (it's totally true). the tears of a clown are the saddest ones~

we all adapt and learn to struggle through things and grow from them as they happen in life. our experiences make us who we are... so then can our lack of experiences stunt potential emotional development... ???

therefore, i say pretty girls and nice guys are a good fit.

their innocence (ignorance?) about the world complements each other.

people like me? i guess we need a little bit more fermented darkness...

we're attracted to the brooding viper type (a.k.a. don drapers) because we can relate to it, and find solace in the healing process...

nobody said it was healthy.

but it's not by choice... it's just by nature.

just the two of us

funny how a shared moment with a stranger can sometimes feel so unintentionally cathartic...

we both sat there in the stillness,

women of a similar distress,

wearing our mk watches,

sniffling through the turbulence,

sneaking sideways glances at each other,

dabbing at our eyes with a silent tissue,

wondering what the other was thinking about...

complete strangers.... yet kindred spirits.

thanks for the coincidental meeting, 19A.

love,

19B

pave the way

i get offended when people ask me who is older... only cuz i think my brother looks so old and i, so young.. but i guess 16 months isn't that much of a difference...

sometimes i joke around that i raised my brother and took care of him, so he's like a younger brother to me.. but the reality is that growing up i followed him around everywhere and copied everything he did, and i still kind of fear him and look up to him at the same time...

the one burden that i had on my heart when i left home [to discover my little self in this big apple] was my brother... more specifically, my brother's salvation.

i know i made it a point to really instill in my GNC family my concerns for his faith... and i felt shy at times about asking people to pray for him but now i'm totally glad i did. i know they're really caring for him and guiding him. man, i really love the people at my home church and i believe they are doing some really great things... genuine revival.

my heart is so gladdened to notice that not only did my brother facebook acknowledge me as his legitimate sister... (yay) but also that he has written his Religious belief as "Jesus". wowowo! i am so encouraged. it was probably a better thing that i left, so that there was more room for him to breathe and make his own way instead of me overbearing and smothering his growth.

and honestly, this is just another testimony not to worry. why worry? God will always take care of everything in His own time. i remember Praise Mike told us not to worry about leaving the church because our positions could always be filled and God will always work no matter what. just trust in Him...

well, today, i say, happy 27th birthday and i love you so, my only brother.
and Praise God!

i'm so pretty, oh so pretty...

as a woman (and forever girl inside) i know the pain of desiring beauty and wanting to be attractive.

it's sad to say that guys can get away with being less good looking because they can make up for it with their personality + hard working diligence + humor + etc.. basically as long as they have what it takes for us to respect them; in the clear. but as girls, we don't really have much to offer besides cuteness + beauty + sexual allure.... we just want to be loved, and physical attractiveness is the easiest and most acceptable way to be so.

with that said, i am so very thankful for my lackluster qualities in the looks department.

yeah, i'm sorta kinda stubby all over and super rough around the edges... but when i image myself being taller, leaner, and more modelesque, it makes me shudder. i cringe at how much more tempted i would be to live a worldly life. how the attention i would probably receive from the opposite sex would become a sort of idol/addiction. even the word "pretty" would lose value from over-hearing/overuse. i would be even more obsessive about my physical presentation and spend hours and dollars on end to keep myself at a certain [high] standard. the way i expect to be treated by others would also be different.

i think just everything about me would be different. i'm a firm believer in the theory that good looking people tend to lack personality and depth because they don't ever have a need to evolve in that way. naturally it's because they already get everything easily and have everything the need. hence, my character and personality development would have been thwarted by my [hypothetically] stellar looks!

but super most important, i would be blinded by the love for myself and the need for acceptance from this world.. and it would keep me from a genuine and profound faith in Christ. and THAT is what scares me most about overwhelming physical beauty.

simply put: i'd rather be a fatty that fits through the narrow gate; than a thin beauty strollin' through the wide gates to an eternity without God.


Proverbs 31:30
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.