bread and cheese

boys:cheese :: girls:bread

a fine, well-aged cheese goes oh-so-well with a slice of freshly baked bakery bread.

in fact, nobody wants newly churned cheese curd on a loaf of stale old bread, all crunchy and inedible.

even 1 day old bread loses its worth... on sale for 50% off!

sad :'(

realizing this as i get crustier and moldier....

i can't let you go 2010.

don't grow up

Today, we were eating at New Garden (God Bless you jja jang myun makers, i missed your black sauce noodles) and my second to youngest cousin (age 15) asked me (in particular) if i could drive him to a party after dinner. of course i said yes..but first i told him not to eat any onions if he was gonna go to a maaaake out partyyyy (har har!) when we were leaving, he was delicately balancing this big 김box in his hands as if it held something very precious. i asked him what was inside? he wouldn't let me open it... so i pried it out of his hands and forced it open only to find.... 4 chocolate cupcakes??!!!!!!!!!!!! lololololol

apparently he wanted a ride to this girl's birthday party at BJs... a senior! my cousin is a freshman in high school, mind you. and this is what he had prepared for her....

we (the older cousins, older yet still very obviously immaturerer) made fun of him like crazy!!! what the heck is that? you pansy! did you bake those? why only 4? you cheapo! didn't you get her a present?? why did you put it in that box? you wanna stop and get a real cake box to put it in you ghetto azz..... etc, etc.

i knew he would probly be very embarrassed at this point, so to make my cousin feel better about his cupcake baking, i started telling the story about my brother and how he was so in love with this girl named Roxy that when she was having a fundraiser and asked my brother for a donation, without hesitation, he forked over all of his weekly allowance and starved for the rest of the week. what a stupid azz.... funniest part of that story was that i remembered it but my brother didn't... -_- had he already forgotten his old sentimental self?

Point of story: every girl should know what it feels like to be a Roxy.... to know that although it may not seem like much... some boy is willing to hand bake cupcakes with rainbow sprinkles on your birthday and get them safely into your hands... or unknowingly sacrifice all his lunches for a cause that you believe in.

boys.. don't ever grow into douchey, hard hearted, selfish, thoughtless men. stay as sweet as that chocolate fudge on your cupcakes... forever!!!!

tears of a clown

i have this new theory about nice guys that is comparable to my theory about pretty girls.

very pretty girls (who have been pretty all their lives) tend to lack excitement and depth because they have not had to development interesting personalities. things just come easier in life... unlike girls of average or below average looks who have had to strive and build themselves up out of necessity; to survive in a shallow world and compensate with additional attributes to make up for where they fall short in looks.

very nice guys tend to lack depth and a sense of inner struggling, brooding, intensity because they have lived such lovely lives. nothing forced them to search deep within themselves and reflect and get all emotional and get in touch...

you know what they say about funny people too? that they have developed a sense of humor through the hard times life has brought them. they had to learn to make jokes and laugh about things in order to cope and move on... and keep from losing their sanity. (it's totally true). the tears of a clown are the saddest ones~

we all adapt and learn to struggle through things and grow from them as they happen in life. our experiences make us who we are... so then can our lack of experiences stunt potential emotional development... ???

therefore, i say pretty girls and nice guys are a good fit.

their innocence (ignorance?) about the world complements each other.

people like me? i guess we need a little bit more fermented darkness...

we're attracted to the brooding viper type (a.k.a. don drapers) because we can relate to it, and find solace in the healing process...

nobody said it was healthy.

but it's not by choice... it's just by nature.

just the two of us

funny how a shared moment with a stranger can sometimes feel so unintentionally cathartic...

we both sat there in the stillness,

women of a similar distress,

wearing our mk watches,

sniffling through the turbulence,

sneaking sideways glances at each other,

dabbing at our eyes with a silent tissue,

wondering what the other was thinking about...

complete strangers.... yet kindred spirits.

thanks for the coincidental meeting, 19A.

love,

19B

pave the way

i get offended when people ask me who is older... only cuz i think my brother looks so old and i, so young.. but i guess 16 months isn't that much of a difference...

sometimes i joke around that i raised my brother and took care of him, so he's like a younger brother to me.. but the reality is that growing up i followed him around everywhere and copied everything he did, and i still kind of fear him and look up to him at the same time...

the one burden that i had on my heart when i left home [to discover my little self in this big apple] was my brother... more specifically, my brother's salvation.

i know i made it a point to really instill in my GNC family my concerns for his faith... and i felt shy at times about asking people to pray for him but now i'm totally glad i did. i know they're really caring for him and guiding him. man, i really love the people at my home church and i believe they are doing some really great things... genuine revival.

my heart is so gladdened to notice that not only did my brother facebook acknowledge me as his legitimate sister... (yay) but also that he has written his Religious belief as "Jesus". wowowo! i am so encouraged. it was probably a better thing that i left, so that there was more room for him to breathe and make his own way instead of me overbearing and smothering his growth.

and honestly, this is just another testimony not to worry. why worry? God will always take care of everything in His own time. i remember Praise Mike told us not to worry about leaving the church because our positions could always be filled and God will always work no matter what. just trust in Him...

well, today, i say, happy 27th birthday and i love you so, my only brother.
and Praise God!

i'm so pretty, oh so pretty...

as a woman (and forever girl inside) i know the pain of desiring beauty and wanting to be attractive.

it's sad to say that guys can get away with being less good looking because they can make up for it with their personality + hard working diligence + humor + etc.. basically as long as they have what it takes for us to respect them; in the clear. but as girls, we don't really have much to offer besides cuteness + beauty + sexual allure.... we just want to be loved, and physical attractiveness is the easiest and most acceptable way to be so.

with that said, i am so very thankful for my lackluster qualities in the looks department.

yeah, i'm sorta kinda stubby all over and super rough around the edges... but when i image myself being taller, leaner, and more modelesque, it makes me shudder. i cringe at how much more tempted i would be to live a worldly life. how the attention i would probably receive from the opposite sex would become a sort of idol/addiction. even the word "pretty" would lose value from over-hearing/overuse. i would be even more obsessive about my physical presentation and spend hours and dollars on end to keep myself at a certain [high] standard. the way i expect to be treated by others would also be different.

i think just everything about me would be different. i'm a firm believer in the theory that good looking people tend to lack personality and depth because they don't ever have a need to evolve in that way. naturally it's because they already get everything easily and have everything the need. hence, my character and personality development would have been thwarted by my [hypothetically] stellar looks!

but super most important, i would be blinded by the love for myself and the need for acceptance from this world.. and it would keep me from a genuine and profound faith in Christ. and THAT is what scares me most about overwhelming physical beauty.

simply put: i'd rather be a fatty that fits through the narrow gate; than a thin beauty strollin' through the wide gates to an eternity without God.


Proverbs 31:30
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

overtime

i must admit the men of this city exist in a different caliber of classy. from their long burberry trench coats to their sea green, sheepy cloud ties. it's toe up from the floe up: dandy style.

yeah, they look good in winter wear. but you know what it is about these suits that really gets me? besides their success, dignified elegance, and noble mannerisms? and super besides the sense of security that their consistent (large) paycheck could potentially bring...

it's the discipline.

these guys had to fore go many things in life to study hard to get the internships that lead to the good positions in those good companies. think about the focus, passion, and self sacrifice that takes! diligence is super sexy.

it always comes down to a man's ability to prioritize, commit, and sacrifice. it's what separates the men from the boys. admit it, you can't help but revere a man who is able to work hard for what they want and be willing to make sacrifices in order to attain it.

and it leaves a little hope inside.. that maybe someday... we will be worth the sacrifices you make to attain us!! :")

don't forget

two things to remember me by if i ever die:

1. burberry for women.



2. always be my baby.

you're so money

You know how guys say they want to marry a girl before they make all their money, just so they know they can trust 'em? non-gold diggers they say...

Well after skimming through a very enlightening book, "Why Men Love B!tches," i think girls should do the same except we should be sheisty about what men look for in women. A man's currency is indeed his prestige and career while a woman's currency is her beauty and wifey abilities (men: don't deny it).

Guys generally don't run and try to spend all their money on you at once, right? Yeah, they invest more of their dime as the relationship matures and they start to believe that the investment will be worth it for them in the long run...

so, a word of advice to women: do the same in return. don't show all your cards too early!

1.Don't look too good just yet. don't shed those last 5lbs.... and yes wear your glasses and your sweatpants and see if he still finds you attractive. Then later, full blown best you can be.

2. Oh, and don't cook and clean for him or do his laundry.... or else you won't have any tricks up your sleeve to make him feel really lucky when you become his home woman. and i doubt he even deserves all that goodness if he's not your husband yet. =I

3. Lastly, don't ever, ever, under any circumstances let him see or touch anything 'cept maybe your face... but only if he is going to gently cup your chin with his hand, or caress your cheek as he gazes adoringly into your eyes... just maybe. haha. just joking...who does that nowadays ?? aw, sad..... =( is there no romance left in this world!?!?!

together we can.

"Collectivism requires self-sacrifice, the subordination of one's interests to those of others." -- Ayn Rand

"Collectivism ... treats society as if it were a super-organism existing over and above its individual members, and which takes the collective in some form (e.g., tribe, race, or state) to be the primary unit of reality and standard of value." -- Prof. Fred D. Miller

i've realized that on a scale of 0 - 10, i rate myself as an 8.5 in favor of collectivism vs. individualism. i was just raised that way.... my family is so utterly collectivist that my brother once explained that we have a communal parenting style where if an aunt knows you're going somewhere it can be assumed the message will be relayed to your mother... haha. and when they advertise a chinese cabbage sale at H-Mart in the morning paper, you best believe that my momma gonna run over within the hour; smells of kimchi will be wafting from our kitchen within the day; and jars full of fermented goodness will be dispersed to the various households existing within the 5 mile radius that is the boundary of my extended family.

living with people has made me notice and evaluate the disparity that exists between others perspectives and mine. for me, if you can gain anything from some sort of sacrifice that i can make, then i am more than willing to make it. i care about the harmony of the whole more so than the efforts i have to keep in order to maintain that harmony. for instance, if i'm going to buy something at the market, i'm going to buy it to supply everyone. and if you need me to do something for you that will lose 10 minutes of my time but win you 5... then i will do it for you.

some would say that i am a "people pleaser"... in my defense, it makes me happy to see you happy, as long as it doesn't make me too sad. then we can all be somewhat happy together! as a collective! ....and it has nothing to do with being kind, or gracious, or a good person. because, i must admit i can be something of a crazed bratalicious monster when i'm feeling selfish. oh truuust that i know how to put myself first sometimes. but collectivism.. it just has to do with efficiency, mindfulness, and really, the golden rule.

[of course, this is not to say that i am placing any kind of value judgment on people who lean more towards the individualistic side of the rainbow. i am merely stating that everyone is different and am suggesting that we all have to be sensitive and tolerant (better yet, forgiving) about each person's point of view and learn to live, love, and work with each's differing value systems]

synapses

keywords: action potential, threshold, failed initiations, refractory period, resting potential, all or nothing principle

....are we learning about the process of neural connections or the process of dating right now??
ㅎ_ㅎ

urban dictionary

My new favorite word:


My new favorite definitions for this new favorite word:
1. Assclown
One, who, through the fault of his parents conception, is a skid mark in society's collective underwear.

3. assclown
A person who is laughable and detestable at the same time.Usually pretends to be a know-it-all,often enhancing their stories,knowledge, experience,and every thing in between with pure bullshit.

4. assclown
Someone who considers it his or her sworn to duty to act like a complete ass at all times.

5. assclown
a.A person that is so silly and embarassing that neither the word "ass" or the word "clown" can properly describe them.
b. One who takes part in bafoonary, douchebaggery, or general just-too-muchary, often because of drinking alcohol.

6. assclown
A person who is a total moron, or who makes an attempt to do something but ends up failing miserably & entertains everyone around them

Some new ways to use this new word:
1. “I suggest you get moving, Assclown!”
2. "You, my good sir, are an assclown."
3. "Bill is really an ass for sharting in the bar. He is also a clown for telling everyone about it. But he is certainly an assclown for not going home from the bar and spending all night with a poopy butt"

See also:
Assclownery, Asshat, Asshead, Asshole, Ass for brains, Buffoon ass, Buttclown, Drunkard

coz you had a bad day~

it's amazing how much i've changed, yet stayed the same.

my struggles are still my struggles. my detrimental flaws are still detrimental. but i've noticed that the way in which i deal with situations and emotions has definitely changed. my intentions and attitude are different as well...

when something amazing happens, the first thing i think is PRAISE GOD! similarly, the first thing that gets me through a horrible, terrible situation or day is praying for patience and wisdom and knowing that this too shall pass. Suffering is good for the soul.... it builds character.

see?
in my past life as my past self, i would have never-everland thought that way.

Christ beings hope to all.

reality check

when i start thinking about the things in my life that bring me down... i try to remember:

a. those who cannot think for themselves because they are physically incapable
b. those who can think, but cannot act on it because their priority is to serve their country in dangerous places around the world.
c. those who want to think but cannot due to the painful side effects of a recent neurological treatment

*and by those, i mean specific people that i personally know.

that always brings me back down to earth.
how petty of me....

Luke 21:36

schlemiel

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

--Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

-Elizabeth Bishop

fat bro

the first time i talk talked to my brother since i left home and it went like this:

Daniel: you fat peeg
me: what do you waaant
Daniel: when you start school
well dont be a pig at school
is jessica going to school there
what the hell you been doing there all this time
me: i been working! i am working now
Daniel: ok fine you pig and call home
because people want to know what you doing there.
me: what happened to the hummingbird, did it really die???
Daniel: it is still up there on teh ledge
becoming a mummy
me: i call halmuny but she no pick up ever
Daniel: ok shut up
go to work
bye
me: no! working at cafe making me fat
i quit!! and catch the humming and set it free
Daniel: he ded
me: no!!! save it!
Daniel: stupid it been deh for like one week already
it rotting
or ants might eat
the house has ants all over
one night i come home and they all on my desk and bed
so i sleep in your room
me: HAHAHA
don't sleep in my bed
you smell like poo
who been using my bed?
Daniel: doggies pooed on your yoga mat
no one use your room
except watch tv and i play game sometimes
me: you stupid! they think it is the diaper pad
cuz it is the same color
Daniel: probably haha stupid
me: no you is the stupid. dogs are color blind!
Daniel: well they can see shades
so its the same shade to them
you stupid
you dont know anything
me: fine. clean the poo up
it better not be dry and crusty when i get back in dec
Daniel: you think its a big party over there
u and jessica and julie the three pigs go party every night
you supposed to be studying
me: no!
we study every night
and then pray and go to bed early
and eat munchies and get fat
Daniel: stupid
Daniel: ok pig you be smart
did you use the self defense moves i taught you
me: yes i did
it working very good
i use it on julie when she being stupid to me
Daniel: ok fine bye

jules says

this is ME down to the T:
if you don't know... now ya know.

Leo
Your psychological nature is powerful and full of self-confidence. You are a leader whose strength and nobleness command your entourage’s respect and adherence, with unchallenged legitimacy. Your ability to order, the prestige and charisma that emanate continuously from your person inevitably put you, under the spotlight, wherever you go.

With this Ascendant, you come across as proud, determined, wilful, loyal, solemn, generous, ambitious, courageous, heroic, full of vitality, creative, confident, seductive, happy, daring, majestic, honest, magnanimous, charismatic, responsible, noble, brilliant, radiant, dramatic, affectionate, full of humour, demonstrative, swaggering and self-confident. You can also be domineering, conceited, touchy, authoritarian, stubborn, intolerant, self-centered, irascible, violent, and nonchalant.

The Ascendant (or rising sign) is often considered the mask one wears when meeting others. Perhaps it is most aptly thought of as the automatic responses to one's environment. The Ascendant shows our natural defenses and how we cope with day-to-day issues. The energies of the sign and condition of the Ascendant are most overt and obvious to others. The Ascendant shows an individual's first, natural reaction to new people and situations.

to calculate yours: http://www.astrologycom.com/ascalc.html

pauper to prince

well, we're definitely moving on up. from a tiny hallway closet to a spacious condo. living is now living.

except, being here is bittersweet. it's so still and quiet.. and far from the city life. don't get me wrong, i love having time to myself to reflect and recuperate from being around the hustle and bustle. but at the same time, it makes me feel very lonely. being an extrovert in long island city is gonna be hard!

i can see where luxury can bring a sort of emptiness inside. there's just too much space from here to there, with absolutely nothing and no one to fill it with....

my roommates have more options than i do. they have a special someone to run off with and hold them and tell them secrets and keep them warm during the harsh ny winter.... but me? my only retreat is here! where can i run off to? how warm could a teddy bear keep me?

alone... i've been single for a full year now? (and i'm pretty good at it too.) it's been so so so great. epic! but it is slowly dawning on me that i need something more... perhaps it's the oncoming autumn? i want a dog so badly... for warmth, companionship, and just something to take care of and bring me little bits of happiness each day. if i get a dog, i think i could stay single for a good 4 more years.
(dog > guy)
but then again... (guys=dogs)
so i will accept whichever side of the equation appears first...
hehe... just kidding. i want me a puppy.

zap!

My friend was telling me recently about the previous owner of zappos and how he ran his company in a way that promoted self-motivation and authentic passion from his employees.

In fact, zappos would pay you a lump sum (of $6,000?) if and when you left their company. This would ensure that those working for zappos believed in the mission statement and genuinely WANTED to be there. Even with that whopper of a carrot dangling in front of their faces, they chose to work rather than get free money.... Genius. why don’t more companies do this?

When it comes to relationships, I take a similar policy to zappos. I’ve grown more confident over the years, (perhaps as a direct result of my callousness) and I don’t see a need to be needy. If a (real) man wants to be with me, he will. So why worry that he might leave me for someone else? That would be to his total and utter detriment anyways…. Yes, I trust in my own worthiness, but I also give this hypothetical partner the benefit of the doubt that he recognizes the treasure that he has (ho ho ho). And if he doesn’t want it anymore, by all means; here are 6,000+ (very expensive) memories. Take them and go~

Live long and prosper!

tourist trap

new york, new york.

ah, the sound of their rounded a's pronounced as o's. the outward vocalization of every complaint and thought. the bangs of murses and brusque briefcases against my thighs.... i bask in it daily.

i'm slowly beginning to lose what little ounce of patience and manners i previously had and conform to the way of the old yorker.

the thing about big city folks is that they're misunderstood! it's not like they lack warmth or love. They're not mean people out to get you. They just know that the city runs smoother a certain way, and they project that way onto others who just aren't as experienced.

in fact, they can be very kind, affectionate... full of very tough love. just don't ever get in their way or stand on the left side of the escalator. be efficient and mindful and you're sure to get on their good side!

no time to be sensitive. just follow orders and do it their way or risk belittlement and ego tearing pain.

shape up or ship out.

viva la nueva york!