please be my 1 out of 10...

"Men's ministry leader Pat Morley reports that: for every 10 men in your church, 9 will have kids who leave the church, 8 will not find their jobs satisfying, 6 pay the month minimum on their credit cards, 5 have a major problem with pornography, 4 will get divorced, and only one has a biblical worldview."

train = man?

every subway line makes me feel different kinds of emotions:

7 - most reliable train. ever. completely consistent. it's just always there for you when you need it. the problem is, you don't want it that often... and even when you do get on it, it's just not that attractive or clean... and full of immigrants from Flushing.

N - when i see that the N is coming, it fills me with such great relief (because the N is the only one that always takes me to Queensboro Plaza). also very clean, new, and attractive seating arrangements. but at the same time, the N causes such great distress and disappointment when it shuts down or doesn't go across the east river... this inconsistency creates a love/hate relationship.


R - i just hate the R. in fact, it makes me angry to just see it. it's old, fugly, and doesn't take me home. except on the rare occasion when i'm traveling within the city or when i need to take it to Queens... then it's okay.. i guess~

6 - consistent on weekdays but so gosh-darn packed that it's frustrating to try and squeeze on it. however, it will take you up and down and all around the eastside. so i feel very comfortable with this train... the 6, what a manwhore.

J/Z/G - completely foreign... can be cause for adventure or utter failure. TBA

E - unexpected.


so, then, which type of train is my favorite? the stable 7 that will never fail me but just isn't that likeable? or the clean, chic N/Q that isn't reliable but fills me with a rollercoaster of highs and lows?

for now, i say that consistency beats out attractiveness and gusto. at least i know it will meet all expectations and take me where i need to go!!!

my brother's testimony

updated


"The Portmandeu of Dr Killermanjaro and His incessant Maelstrom of Love and everlasting Redemption" by Daniel Kim

        My first GNC service was more than two years ago but my conversion began very recently. For a long time, I attended service only now and then, when I felt I really owed it to God after an especially sinful week or when I really needed his help. For a large part of my life, I had a painful and self-destructive hunger in me that worldly frivolities would only temporarily subside. 

      In darkness and with an unclear mind, I would cry out to God with the hope that he would take pity and fix me. I always came to God for redemption, but I did not recognize him in joy. My spiritual life was selfish in the reasons I wanted God, this was clear to me my entire Christian life. What I have realized more recently is how selfish I also was in the WAY that I interacted with him. For quite some time, I had the same misgivings about the congregation that many non-believers have, and so I didn't pray with the church. Instead, I withdrew from community and sought God's grace in times of fear, desperation, and deep isolation, alone in my room at night. In my desperate search for that one on one relationship with God, I failed to witness how he was using the people in my life to speak to me. 

      We all know what wind is, how it works and how it feels. But wind can never be seen by itself; it can only be seen through the dust, the leaves, and the clouds that move at its whim. As I have truly opened my heart to God, I have seen more and more how important it is to know him through his people. And in serving him with my Christian brothers and sisters, my eyes have been opened to how his spirit moves the lives of the people around me. 

      God's love is so great and his blessings are all around us. As I have accepted these truths, God has filled my heart with so much love and joy. Through His love I have been able to recognize everyone around me as my brothers and sisters. And now there is no cultural divide, no social status, language barrier, or income bracket that can keep me separate from His children. Through his people, God has brought me such peace, joy, and courage that I am no longer afraid to speak my mind or show people my heart. The people that I have shared my story with can attest to how much God has changed and truly blessed my life in recent months. 

      I pray that my friends would be moved by how much God has blessed me and be inspired by the great things he is doing in my life. And it is my sincerest hope that EVERYONE at GNC would commune with one another and recognize how important the people around them are to understand and love our God. And in doing so, also realize what a blessing that they themselves are to the rest of the congregation. We are part of an intricate web, each strand strengthening the other, working together to glorify our Lord, who binds us forever in love and redemption.

diffuse

generally speaking, this is how the bombs differ.

angry girl bomb:

attempt to diffuse the bomb. if you just walk away from it, the end explosion will be more massive than if you try to deactivate the bomb right away. more time does not equal easier bomb. you are down to the wire, my friend. so get to work!

why? because no matter what the issue is about, an angry girl bomb wants to know first and foremost that you still love her. even if she is mad, a brat, fighting... she wants to know you care enough to stay with her work it out. so a hug or telling her that you want to talk about it will definitely cut the bomb time short and prevent a mushroom cloud of consequences.

angry boy bomb:

don't attempt to diffuse the bomb right away or it's is just going to get testier and harder to disassemble. it will be frustrating for both parties because the boy won't understand your efforts and they will go unappreciated (thrown back in your face). however, if you walk away and give him space, the bomb will wither and combust on itself, or at least become a benign, more approachable version easier to maneuver.

why? because when a guy is angry, i don't think he wants you to pamper him with love or affection. it's just going to annoy him. he's pissed and needs time to cool off from the emotion overload. when he calms down from the anger, then carry on because he'll be more likely to listen to your tactics for diffusing.

teaching children early

if you give a pig a pancake,

he'll want some syrup to go with it.

you'll give him some of your maple syrup.

he'll probably get all sticky,

so he'll want to take a bath.

he'll ask you for some bubbles.

when you give him bubbles,

he'll probably ask you for a toy.

you'll have to find your rubber duck.

the duck will remind him of the farm where he was born.

he might feel homesick and want to visit his family.

he'll want you to come too.

he'll look through your closet for a suitcase.....

etc, etc, etc.

hmm...

don't people say that.... men are pigs?

hehe
be careful ladies! pigs always want more than just pancakes....

happy love day! (or S.A.D. day)

a slow fast

julie and i are cereal monsters. our costco case of soy milk has been completey depleted within 2 weeks time and our cupboard has 1 box of cereal out of 7 left standing... so, are we ridiculously koo koo for coco puffs? or is there something else going on???

our TLC (small group) has been on a group 40 day fast to practice in line with Pastor Danny's sermon about a fasted life style. and so from Jan 7 to Feb 16, each of us has dedicated to sacrifice something in our lives that we are dependent on... but that may not necessarily be good for us because it is a "weight" that holds us back from running "the race" with all of our might.

For me, i decided on a couple things in my life that i had begun to take too much earthly pleasure in but were unnecessary for my well-being.

1. dessert & sweets. (my recent dependence on these for happiness had become quite unhealthy)

2. facebook (it was dominating my thinking and honestly just became a frivolous waste of time)

3. dating (talking about and thinking about relationships; just too much)

#3, i've failed at utterly. at one point i couldn't even quantify this goal, so i gave up on it. it's harder to control my thoughts and my tongue than i thought, especially in social situations when the conversation always ends up being about people, love, and relationships.

another thing (and here is where the cereal story comes in) is that no matter how hard i try to "give something up" i am so weak. as humans, we have natural survival tactics that allow us to adapt to our environments. hence, the sugary cake-like delights have been substituted with cereal and boba drinks. --- if this fast is about the heart, then i need to re-assess and re-adjust my thinking because i am really starting to enjoy my sweet, sweet Lucky Charms... =/

as Pastor Danny spoke about this past Sunday, you cannot expect change by filling hungry bellies up with food. there is still a spiritual desolateness within that needs to be filled up with the Truth, with God.

so, Phileo-α, just ONE more week left until deliverance! let's remind ourselves why we are even doing this in the first place and take joy in it! i hope we've really learned a lot about how freeing it is to deny ourselves physical and earthly pleasures in order to commune with God on a more spiritual level.

Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God. ✝ Matthew 4:4

wicked witches

i dreamt that i was superman.

i was gracefully flying around the world, enjoying the sights with the use of my physical prowess.

when suddenly a pack of wild witches began to chase me and chase me. the thought of being caught filled me with a sense of dread. and i didn't know why. even if i knew that these fears were unwarranted.

i tried to dive deeply into the ocean, i tried to zoom in between large sky scrapers in Tokyo and Hong Kong...

i even told myself that i could fly out of the earth's orbit and spin the earth backwards if i wanted to, and witches probably couldn't do that. but for some reason, i could not follow through. i tried reassuring myself of this, but to no avail. i kept second guessing myself and i just could not speed away in the lightning quick manner that i normally would.

i didn't know what they would do to me, or when they would finally catch me... so i was filled with such anxiety. all i could do was keep running away until i woke up, deeply dissatisfied with myself.

my analysis of this vivid dream:
1. these were left over visuals from the time i sat there and watched Shrek Forever After 3 times in a row and the imagery of the wicked green witches chasing down ogres really stayed with me, i guess.

2. it may be a physical representation of my mental state these days. as superman: a recognition of my self-worth and yet, a clear signifier of the inability to deliver myself from the things/people that force me to question my strength, dignity, and self-esteem.... ultimately, an illustration of my lack of control.

happy lunar new year!

the best time of the year to be Asian is now.

1. we receive free money for something as simple as a bow.
2. we can call a Mulligan for the mistakes made in January.
3. second chance to redeem your failing ways (i.e.New Year's resolutions)

so, let's start over.

this Rabbit year:

1. i will not whine or complain.

2. i will live with a positive attitude/outlook on life.

3. i will open my eyes even to the smallest of blessings and be more grateful for everything.

4. i will put in more effort to be diligent in my studies and disciplined to focus on the race.

so... bring it on large dancing dragon head.

i'm ready to face the (real) new year.

-jo

hoegaarden

today, i spent some quality time with my mom and the hoe. yes, a very large dirty hoe. i decided to swap my sweat time at the gym with some real sweat from the sun. with my hands and knees upon the earth and the soil between my toes is when i began to get philosophical...

so it began with a little bit of pulling and tugging of jap cho, aw how cute these little pieces are.... until i struck a deep cord somewhere down in the thick of things. this was not a weed, indeed. i wanted to rid my life of it immediately. i began to get all obsessive, digging and pulling. gardening is interesting because it requires a balance of powerful sternness and a delicate hand to ensure that you don't rip the root out prematurely. basically; dedication & patience. my mom couldn't understand why i was concentrating so roughly on such a beastly thing, but after a watching my struggle, i think she began to understand the feeling of catharsis i was working for and silenced herself.

as i continued to labor, i felt like i was at war with my life. the thing about weeding (literally and figuratively) is that you don't really notice the deep-rootedness of the issue (or the sin) until you begin to realize its presence in the garden and actively search the soil. it is then that you are appalled by the depth and the stubbornness of its hold on your life. and just when you think you've got it, the tricky bugger has sprouted sideways to different areas extending deeper and deeper into crevices unreachable. BUT! oh, how glorious it is to persevere until you physically hold the defeated roots of that deep-seeded labor! i have never felt so victorious over such an insignificant thing.

and now that i have downed a cold glass of naked juice, back to the hoe i go.

there are many more weeds i need to unearth...

bread and cheese

boys:cheese :: girls:bread

a fine, well-aged cheese goes oh-so-well with a slice of freshly baked bakery bread.

in fact, nobody wants newly churned cheese curd on a loaf of stale old bread, all crunchy and inedible.

even 1 day old bread loses its worth... on sale for 50% off!

sad :'(

realizing this as i get crustier and moldier....

i can't let you go 2010.

don't grow up

Today, we were eating at New Garden (God Bless you jja jang myun makers, i missed your black sauce noodles) and my second to youngest cousin (age 15) asked me (in particular) if i could drive him to a party after dinner. of course i said yes..but first i told him not to eat any onions if he was gonna go to a maaaake out partyyyy (har har!) when we were leaving, he was delicately balancing this big 김box in his hands as if it held something very precious. i asked him what was inside? he wouldn't let me open it... so i pried it out of his hands and forced it open only to find.... 4 chocolate cupcakes??!!!!!!!!!!!! lololololol

apparently he wanted a ride to this girl's birthday party at BJs... a senior! my cousin is a freshman in high school, mind you. and this is what he had prepared for her....

we (the older cousins, older yet still very obviously immaturerer) made fun of him like crazy!!! what the heck is that? you pansy! did you bake those? why only 4? you cheapo! didn't you get her a present?? why did you put it in that box? you wanna stop and get a real cake box to put it in you ghetto azz..... etc, etc.

i knew he would probly be very embarrassed at this point, so to make my cousin feel better about his cupcake baking, i started telling the story about my brother and how he was so in love with this girl named Roxy that when she was having a fundraiser and asked my brother for a donation, without hesitation, he forked over all of his weekly allowance and starved for the rest of the week. what a stupid azz.... funniest part of that story was that i remembered it but my brother didn't... -_- had he already forgotten his old sentimental self?

Point of story: every girl should know what it feels like to be a Roxy.... to know that although it may not seem like much... some boy is willing to hand bake cupcakes with rainbow sprinkles on your birthday and get them safely into your hands... or unknowingly sacrifice all his lunches for a cause that you believe in.

boys.. don't ever grow into douchey, hard hearted, selfish, thoughtless men. stay as sweet as that chocolate fudge on your cupcakes... forever!!!!

tears of a clown

i have this new theory about nice guys that is comparable to my theory about pretty girls.

very pretty girls (who have been pretty all their lives) tend to lack excitement and depth because they have not had to development interesting personalities. things just come easier in life... unlike girls of average or below average looks who have had to strive and build themselves up out of necessity; to survive in a shallow world and compensate with additional attributes to make up for where they fall short in looks.

very nice guys tend to lack depth and a sense of inner struggling, brooding, intensity because they have lived such lovely lives. nothing forced them to search deep within themselves and reflect and get all emotional and get in touch...

you know what they say about funny people too? that they have developed a sense of humor through the hard times life has brought them. they had to learn to make jokes and laugh about things in order to cope and move on... and keep from losing their sanity. (it's totally true). the tears of a clown are the saddest ones~

we all adapt and learn to struggle through things and grow from them as they happen in life. our experiences make us who we are... so then can our lack of experiences stunt potential emotional development... ???

therefore, i say pretty girls and nice guys are a good fit.

their innocence (ignorance?) about the world complements each other.

people like me? i guess we need a little bit more fermented darkness...

we're attracted to the brooding viper type (a.k.a. don drapers) because we can relate to it, and find solace in the healing process...

nobody said it was healthy.

but it's not by choice... it's just by nature.

just the two of us

funny how a shared moment with a stranger can sometimes feel so unintentionally cathartic...

we both sat there in the stillness,

women of a similar distress,

wearing our mk watches,

sniffling through the turbulence,

sneaking sideways glances at each other,

dabbing at our eyes with a silent tissue,

wondering what the other was thinking about...

complete strangers.... yet kindred spirits.

thanks for the coincidental meeting, 19A.

love,

19B

pave the way

i get offended when people ask me who is older... only cuz i think my brother looks so old and i, so young.. but i guess 16 months isn't that much of a difference...

sometimes i joke around that i raised my brother and took care of him, so he's like a younger brother to me.. but the reality is that growing up i followed him around everywhere and copied everything he did, and i still kind of fear him and look up to him at the same time...

the one burden that i had on my heart when i left home [to discover my little self in this big apple] was my brother... more specifically, my brother's salvation.

i know i made it a point to really instill in my GNC family my concerns for his faith... and i felt shy at times about asking people to pray for him but now i'm totally glad i did. i know they're really caring for him and guiding him. man, i really love the people at my home church and i believe they are doing some really great things... genuine revival.

my heart is so gladdened to notice that not only did my brother facebook acknowledge me as his legitimate sister... (yay) but also that he has written his Religious belief as "Jesus". wowowo! i am so encouraged. it was probably a better thing that i left, so that there was more room for him to breathe and make his own way instead of me overbearing and smothering his growth.

and honestly, this is just another testimony not to worry. why worry? God will always take care of everything in His own time. i remember Praise Mike told us not to worry about leaving the church because our positions could always be filled and God will always work no matter what. just trust in Him...

well, today, i say, happy 27th birthday and i love you so, my only brother.
and Praise God!

i'm so pretty, oh so pretty...

as a woman (and forever girl inside) i know the pain of desiring beauty and wanting to be attractive.

it's sad to say that guys can get away with being less good looking because they can make up for it with their personality + hard working diligence + humor + etc.. basically as long as they have what it takes for us to respect them; in the clear. but as girls, we don't really have much to offer besides cuteness + beauty + sexual allure.... we just want to be loved, and physical attractiveness is the easiest and most acceptable way to be so.

with that said, i am so very thankful for my lackluster qualities in the looks department.

yeah, i'm sorta kinda stubby all over and super rough around the edges... but when i image myself being taller, leaner, and more modelesque, it makes me shudder. i cringe at how much more tempted i would be to live a worldly life. how the attention i would probably receive from the opposite sex would become a sort of idol/addiction. even the word "pretty" would lose value from over-hearing/overuse. i would be even more obsessive about my physical presentation and spend hours and dollars on end to keep myself at a certain [high] standard. the way i expect to be treated by others would also be different.

i think just everything about me would be different. i'm a firm believer in the theory that good looking people tend to lack personality and depth because they don't ever have a need to evolve in that way. naturally it's because they already get everything easily and have everything the need. hence, my character and personality development would have been thwarted by my [hypothetically] stellar looks!

but super most important, i would be blinded by the love for myself and the need for acceptance from this world.. and it would keep me from a genuine and profound faith in Christ. and THAT is what scares me most about overwhelming physical beauty.

simply put: i'd rather be a fatty that fits through the narrow gate; than a thin beauty strollin' through the wide gates to an eternity without God.


Proverbs 31:30
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

overtime

i must admit the men of this city exist in a different caliber of classy. from their long burberry trench coats to their sea green, sheepy cloud ties. it's toe up from the floe up: dandy style.

yeah, they look good in winter wear. but you know what it is about these suits that really gets me? besides their success, dignified elegance, and noble mannerisms? and super besides the sense of security that their consistent (large) paycheck could potentially bring...

it's the discipline.

these guys had to fore go many things in life to study hard to get the internships that lead to the good positions in those good companies. think about the focus, passion, and self sacrifice that takes! diligence is super sexy.

it always comes down to a man's ability to prioritize, commit, and sacrifice. it's what separates the men from the boys. admit it, you can't help but revere a man who is able to work hard for what they want and be willing to make sacrifices in order to attain it.

and it leaves a little hope inside.. that maybe someday... we will be worth the sacrifices you make to attain us!! :")

don't forget

two things to remember me by if i ever die:

1. burberry for women.



2. always be my baby.

you're so money

You know how guys say they want to marry a girl before they make all their money, just so they know they can trust 'em? non-gold diggers they say...

Well after skimming through a very enlightening book, "Why Men Love B!tches," i think girls should do the same except we should be sheisty about what men look for in women. A man's currency is indeed his prestige and career while a woman's currency is her beauty and wifey abilities (men: don't deny it).

Guys generally don't run and try to spend all their money on you at once, right? Yeah, they invest more of their dime as the relationship matures and they start to believe that the investment will be worth it for them in the long run...

so, a word of advice to women: do the same in return. don't show all your cards too early!

1.Don't look too good just yet. don't shed those last 5lbs.... and yes wear your glasses and your sweatpants and see if he still finds you attractive. Then later, full blown best you can be.

2. Oh, and don't cook and clean for him or do his laundry.... or else you won't have any tricks up your sleeve to make him feel really lucky when you become his home woman. and i doubt he even deserves all that goodness if he's not your husband yet. =I

3. Lastly, don't ever, ever, under any circumstances let him see or touch anything 'cept maybe your face... but only if he is going to gently cup your chin with his hand, or caress your cheek as he gazes adoringly into your eyes... just maybe. haha. just joking...who does that nowadays ?? aw, sad..... =( is there no romance left in this world!?!?!

together we can.

"Collectivism requires self-sacrifice, the subordination of one's interests to those of others." -- Ayn Rand

"Collectivism ... treats society as if it were a super-organism existing over and above its individual members, and which takes the collective in some form (e.g., tribe, race, or state) to be the primary unit of reality and standard of value." -- Prof. Fred D. Miller

i've realized that on a scale of 0 - 10, i rate myself as an 8.5 in favor of collectivism vs. individualism. i was just raised that way.... my family is so utterly collectivist that my brother once explained that we have a communal parenting style where if an aunt knows you're going somewhere it can be assumed the message will be relayed to your mother... haha. and when they advertise a chinese cabbage sale at H-Mart in the morning paper, you best believe that my momma gonna run over within the hour; smells of kimchi will be wafting from our kitchen within the day; and jars full of fermented goodness will be dispersed to the various households existing within the 5 mile radius that is the boundary of my extended family.

living with people has made me notice and evaluate the disparity that exists between others perspectives and mine. for me, if you can gain anything from some sort of sacrifice that i can make, then i am more than willing to make it. i care about the harmony of the whole more so than the efforts i have to keep in order to maintain that harmony. for instance, if i'm going to buy something at the market, i'm going to buy it to supply everyone. and if you need me to do something for you that will lose 10 minutes of my time but win you 5... then i will do it for you.

some would say that i am a "people pleaser"... in my defense, it makes me happy to see you happy, as long as it doesn't make me too sad. then we can all be somewhat happy together! as a collective! ....and it has nothing to do with being kind, or gracious, or a good person. because, i must admit i can be something of a crazed bratalicious monster when i'm feeling selfish. oh truuust that i know how to put myself first sometimes. but collectivism.. it just has to do with efficiency, mindfulness, and really, the golden rule.

[of course, this is not to say that i am placing any kind of value judgment on people who lean more towards the individualistic side of the rainbow. i am merely stating that everyone is different and am suggesting that we all have to be sensitive and tolerant (better yet, forgiving) about each person's point of view and learn to live, love, and work with each's differing value systems]

synapses

keywords: action potential, threshold, failed initiations, refractory period, resting potential, all or nothing principle

....are we learning about the process of neural connections or the process of dating right now??
ㅎ_ㅎ