Be all that You can Be

These days, it's impossible to know whether I'm making decisions based only on what I want for myself. I have to constantly question if I am desiring and asking for God's voice to be heard.. Then I realize that no matter what I do, God always brings me back to where I should be.

As long as I can remember I've always liked singing. I grew up idolizing Mariah, but I never everland wanted to be a professional singer. I just wanted a chance to sing cuz I liked it so much. Recently, I found a perfect place for me to grow and utilize my gifts. Under the wing of Georgia Mike and on the sanctuary stage, I've found the most spiritual growth. Praise and worship is definitely the place where I feel most connected to God.

The other thing that I always wanted to do was play football. I used to run around on the blacktop squeezing my sucky self into lunch time games of flag football. The boys were probably annoyed as heck, but I just wanted to play so badly! I was beside myself when GNC's female turkeybowl team started playing in 2006. I realized that God really opens doors for us...

Lately, little things remind me of how I am getting older and that the people around me are getting married and with child. I don't feel rushed or pressured, but movies like The Blind Side remind me of my deepest desires and inner maternal instincts. Leigh Ann Tuohy is such a kick ass mom and a bad ass woman!!! Such a commanding presence with a big, generous heart. My new idol is a housewife. haha.. I remember in kindergarten, we were asked "What do you want to be when you grow up?" for our memory book. Other kids were saying, "Teacher, nurse, scientist, firefighter..." I am slightly ashamed but not surprised that my answer was, "I want to be a mommy!!.. etc. nonsensical 5 year old reasoning... etc." What can I do? God made me to be a very vocal, football playing, preggo ajumma!

Thinking about all of this just reminds me that God places us where we belong. He knows each of our hearts so well because He created each of us with our own talents and unique dispositions. We find ourselves having affinities towards specific people and specific things all for good reason. I have faith that if I am patient and trust the Lord... He will provide...

discovery

There, the Good Witch of the North, Glinda, advises Dorothy to follow the yellow brick road to the Emerald City and meet the Wizard of Oz, who can return her to Kansas. During her journey, she meets a Scarecrow, a Tin Man and a Cowardly Lion, who join her, hoping to receive what they lack themselves (a brain, a heart and courage, respectively).

I need myself a brain; a really big brain to study and receive my graduate diploma. You need yourself some heart; to be patient and loving in order to grow in all of your relationships, new and old. and You, darling, need you some courage to take on all the wonders of the city and learn to be even more independent woman!

We're off to see the wizard...

Toto....

there's no place like home....
there's nothing like the swooshy tailed greeting of your own dog..
nothing like the smell of your own room...
nothing like the privacy of your own space...
nothing like the comforts of your own korean kitchen...
nothing like the navigation of your own laptop...
nothing like the silly antics of your own parents...
nothing like the familiar flush of your own toilet...
nothing like the flutter of your own Bible pages...
nothing like the fluffiness of your firm bed...
and nothing like actually missing home enough to appreciate all of these things!

which is why i should leave more often.....

no fear.

i must say that i take pride in being a semi-brave person (team Gryffindor!) who doesn't have many fears. lots of girls i know can't stand spiders, snakes, cats, mousies, men....etc. i actually used to be scared of weirder things... but then i got over it.

i remember as a child, i used to fear dying a lot.... until i accepted Christ. on a canoe. in the middle of the black river. in the amazon. with my life flashing before my eyes. (now i find myself wanting to die young and fear growing really old... but that's another story for another day...)

oh and i used to fear going to the dentist because my teeth were really bad in the back and i didn't think he could ever fix them broken onez... then i realized that my messed up baby teeth were gonna fall out anyways.

and i used to be scared of dark hallways cuz my brother made me watch sightings with him late at night... but then i realized that i look better in the dark, so now i embrace the night like a vampire.

and i used to be scared of rollercoasters... more specifically, the Colossus. but then i grew a 6 pack and learned to use them to suppress the odd G force feeling in my stomach that was scaring me.

more recently i started to fear rejection, until i realized rejection is all too common and must be dealt with and not feared. now i just make tons of excuses for myself in order to deal...

i kinda still have a fear of dots, spots, eggs, and things in multitude... but i've gotten better at just suppressing the sickness and chills and goose pimples that i feel when i come into contact with these things. i just close my eyes real tight. and recently i have found more people who are scared too, so i feel like i'm part of a club.

today, i noticed that i have an unexplainable fear of ceiling fans. well... i only fear them when they are spinning really fast and when i have to pull the cord to make it stop spinning but it won't slow down and just keeps going faster and faster. it makes me feel really nauseated and scared and sweaty and out of control! after a while i can't look at the thing anymore and just keep pulling the cord with my head down... feeling that sense of doom in my pit of my stomach rise...... wondering when the torture will stop....

to each his own...

i realized that everyone has their own definition of good quality time... which translates into enjoying different ways of spending time with significant others~

for instance, one of my friends sees spending time on the phone and texting as mandatory in a relationship while another sees going out to museums, movies, fine dining, book signings, and a good ear cleaning/picking as mucho importante.

some of us really appreciate little sticky notes in random places, and funny picture text messages, while others of us love inside jokes posted on their facebook walls... or comments on their funny blog entries, or, ya know..... all of the above ;)

i, on the other hand, enjoy taking a stroll down the grocery store aisle with a namja on my arm and lots of food in my cart! and i really like having a default person to watch all my netflix with (cuz i'm cheap and i don't want to get dressed for the movies). lately though, begging my gfs to come over and watch random movies isn't working as well as it used to.... =I

bride of Christ

i thought of another kind of not exact, but pretty good analogy the other day during Pastor Jimmy's sermon:

becoming Christian is kind of like getting married. (wait! wait! let me explain)

When people walk up that aisle during a revival or a retreat, filled with emotion and the spirit, and decide to accept Jesus as Savior and Christ... it is something like that of a person walking up the aisle to that altar to commit their lives to someone they think they will love. (but don't really know.. or realize how much changing and compromising they will have to do.)

(btw, it has to be an arranged marriage because it has to be synonymous with GNC's belief of predestination and election. )

at first, both the Christian and the Groom believe in something truly and deeply. after the fact is when they realize that it doesn't end there. you have to walk back down the aisle and live your life according to the commitment you just made! until you DIE!

therefore, just as Christ followers must, and will naturally be transformed to become adopted into God's family and experience not only conversion but also sanctification, so the new bride or groom must and will change their selfish, single ways out of necessity and happiness for the marriage. both are arduous, exciting, disciplined, but joyous paths...

wait.. was that analogy an all too obvious one???? =/

donots

today, i was late to work because i had to stop for a box of donuts. 1 dozen. i am on my third now...

Lord help me..... =/



because i love donuts so so so much this week....

Berta Potts

Lord, why can't i just be a professional housewife? (minus the lifetime commitment and intimacy) why do i have to continue on through this drudgery that is graduate school.. and then enter the work force??

today, my boss asked me to go across to his unit and check on his laundry. so i did. i even folded his towels and matched his socks (even if he didn't ask me to). and of course (politely avoided his boxers... bleh~)

why can't we all just do what we LOVE and make money doing it???

maybe i could just be a Berta (Two and a Half Men):

the jolly large house keeper who shows tough love to the men in the house by cooking, cleaning, and making wise cracks about their bad decisions...


or maybe a Pepper Potts (Iron Man):

a professional grade personal assistant/secretary/maid who secretly loves her hott boss.

or a doubtfire....

my favorite childhood movie.
i love the silly, cool old hag so much!!


oh boy, how i would love my life....

steadfastness

the day i was most stressed by work, i heard the best sermon in the car on the way home. Francis really hit it home for me about learning to be steadfast. What he says:

Steadfastness is patience. Steadfastness is when you have a weight on you and you keep holding up that weight. It is endurance. We want to say; "God get rid of this weight so then I can just relax". But you don't persevere unless there is weight and pressure on you. And you want to quit when it gets more difficult. So most of us pray God, get rid of that weight. We don't pray asking for God to make our lives a little more difficult so that you could develop steadfastness.

why? because we care about our comfort far more than we care about our character. Most days we don't think about our character. we think i just want to be happy; hoping all our problems will go away. we get frustrated when something is going wrong because we aren't thinking about how it will build us into more Godly, more steadfast people with strong character.

God wants us to be Holy. He wants us to be this steadfast person. Instead of being frustrated at hardship, if we were really concerned about character we could obey James 1: consider it all joy when you encounter these trials. here is an opportunity to get stronger.


We rejoice in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. - Romans 5:3-4

let's snuggle

Pastor Jay mentioned last night that he always refers to sports analogies because everything in life can be explained through sports. at that moment i thought that, for me, anything and everything in life can be made analogous to human relationships.

i find myself writing about relationships between friends, family, and dating. but how often do i assess and write about my intimate relationship with God our Father? (not much, spank me.)

so today i snuggled with Jesus. (no... not a buff latino guy. i mean God) But I really spent time in my bed, wrapped in the warmth of my blanket talking to God. I thought, how easy is it to set aside time to do this everyday? Easy enough! If Jesus was my boyfriend, he would be pretty mad that I don't spend much intimate time with him like this. We would probably have broken up by now... or found others to emotionally lean on (cheat on with)... NG! not good at all....

My goals:
1. more intimate snuggle time with God (prayful life)
2. more reflecting on the Word (reading + sermon listening)
3. finishing up all the reading for Leadership Bible studies
4. taking importance away from meaningless things (fb/twitter/k-pop)

i must say, i am actually really excited for these coming changes in the next few weeks..


파이팅 to all of us who are in preparation for Resurrection Sunday!

mad skillz

so my boss usually has me do normal life things for him at work.. such as going to the deli for a pastrami sandwich, or taking his dog out to pee/poo. he recently introduced me to playing catch with his yellow lab using this big sack toy, good for throwing (since they are soft-mouthed dogs meant to retrieve birds).

today i threw the toy too high and it got stuck in a tree... i was panicking and looking around for a really big ladder... i was even tempted to wave down the firetruck that was nonchalantly driving by at that moment... but then. it struck me. all my training was finally going to pay off!!

i ran to my car for that official NFL football sitting in the trunk and unleashed my skillz to knock the toy back down to earth. success! (i was so very excited that a masculine fist pump escaped from within me)

Hallelujah! our coaches would be proud....

the no excuses truth

reposted.. cuz sometimes we all need a reminder to make the right decision...

my personal picks from the bestseller "he's just not that into you" for all you confused/frustrated ladies (who may or may not be denial right now).

1. He's just not that into you if... he's not asking you out.
(because if he likes you, trust me, he will ask you out.)

the excuse: but he gave me his number...
men for the most part, like to pursue women. they like knowing if they can catch you. they feel rewarded when they do... especially when the chase is a long one.

the bottom line:
-if you have to be the agressor... he's just not that into you.
-don't get tricked into asking him out. if he likes you, he will do the asking.

2. he's just not that into you if... he's not calling you.
(men know how to use the phone.)

the bottom line:
if he's not calling you, it's because you are not on his mind.
"busy" is another word for "asshole". "asshole" is another word for the guy you're dating.

3. he's just not that into you if... he's not dating you.
("hanging out" is not dating.)

so many gray, murky areas of vagueness, mystery, and no questions asked. dudes love this time because that's when they get to pretend they're not really dating you. they also get to pretend they're not really responsible for your feelings.

the excuse: "It's better than nothing".
really? is better than nothing what we're going for now? why should you feel honored for getting scraps of his time? any guy who can wait two weeks to see you is just not that into you. better than nothing is not good enough for you!

bottom line:
-"i don't want to be in a serious relationship" truly means "i don't want to be in a serious relationship with YOU".


5. he's just not that into you if... he only want to see you when he's drunk.
(if he likes you, he'll want to see you when his judgment isn't impaired.)

bottom line:
-drinking and drug use are not the path to one's innermost feelings.
-bad boys are actually bad.
-you deserve to be with someone who doesn't have to get loaded to be around you.

6. he's just not that into you if... he doesn't want to marry you.
(simple as that.)


8. he's just not that into you if... he's disappeared on you.
(sometimes you have to get closure all by yourself.)
he's gone. poof. vanished into thin air. well, there's no mixed message here...

the excuse: "but can't i at least yell at him"?
in the short term it might feel good to call someone and yell at him. but in the long run, you will have wished that you had not given him that much credit for ruining your life. or even your day. let someone else expend that kind of energy on him.

don't ask yourself what you did wrong or how you could have done it differently. don't waste your valuable heart and mind trying to figure out why he did what he did. the only thing you need to know is that it's really good news: He's gone. Hallelujah.

bottom line:
-no answer is your answer.
-don't give him the chance to reject you again.
-let his mother yell at him. you're too busy.
-there's no mystery. he's gone and he wasn't good enough for you.


11. he's just not that into you if... he's a selfish jerk, a bully, or a really big freak.
(if you really love someone, you want to do things to make that person happy.)

bottom line:
-you deserve to be with someone who is nice to you all the time.
-make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve.
-have faith. what other choice is there?


Standard Suggestions:
(let's all read this aloud together now...)

1. I WILL NOT GO OUT WITH A MAN WHO HASN'T ASKED ME OUT FIRST.
2. I WILL NOT GO OUT WITH A MAN WHO KEEPS ME WAITING BY THE PHONE.
3. I WILL NOT DATE A MAN WHO ISN'T SURE HE WANTS TO DATE ME.
4. I WILL NOT DATE A MAN WHO MAKES ME FEEL UNDESIRABLE.
5. I WILL NOT DATE A MAN WHO DRINKS OR DEOS DRUGES TO AN EXTANT THAT MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE.
6. I WILL NOT BE WITH A MAN WHO'S AFRAID TO TALK ABOUT OUR FUTURE.
7. I WILL NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, SPEND MY PRESCIOUS TIME WITH A MAN WHO HAS ALREADY REJECTED ME.
8. I WILL NOT DATE A MAN WHO IS NOT CLEARLY A GOOD, KIND, LOVING PERSON.

my 백인 picks

recently inspired by someone's so called "opposites attract" post, i would also like to share my opinion about the dynamic white men of our time who inspire in me, a little bit of giddy giggly gayness:


intellectual suaveness:
colin firth


edward norton



sexy confidence:
michael buble


pierce brosnan



bad ass kick ass-ness:
bruce willis


gerard butler


Tebow:



sensitive masculinity:
brendan fraser



all of the above-ness:
hugh jackman


a rugged...


...gentleman.


surely opposites do attract because... it seems i have an inkling towards tall, very built, very buff, very cut, brunettes with small mouths, thin lips, loving ways, debonair attitudes, humble confidence, big brown eyes, big (yet not too sharp) noses, thick low brows, and giant brains~



er, non-sequiturs for honorable mention:

DHoward:

don't judge me!!

i can't help my biological make up. its the chemical attraction!

plz change.

this is just a suggestion to all of those blogspotters that i religiously follow:

please change your settings so that commenting is quicker and easier!! when i'm leaving something stupid for you, my snickering gets cut short by that word verification thing... what a buzz kill... its an option that can be turned off my friends!!

go here:


and click NO:


thanks. i promise to leave more comments for you! hehe

banana rama ding dong

why oh why does it have to be so difficult to get into shape?? why can't it be attractive and sexy to be pudgy and slightly overweight!?

i'm sure girls were saying the same thing 1000 years ago, but in reverse: "why oh why does it have to be so hard to find food and eat and get fat?!why can't it be attractive and sexy to be underweight and slightly starved?! "

with that said, i am soooo committing food pron right now. yes. i am eating a banana while flipping through pictures of porto's danishes and desserts... oh my good Lord almighty, cream pan who are you and why??!

sigh.

when will you be eaten by me portos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?
when!!!!!


oh dear Jesus, Mary, Joseph, save me from my own gluttonous heart!!!


um....baker, will you marry me??
...and then fill my pregnant belly with your baked goods!!???

ovary explosion.

Why Tim Tebow is a rare treasure of a man...
(super + that he fits all of my non-negotiables):


1. the man knows how to pray.


2. the man loves children & missions abroad.


3. the man loves to laugh!



4. the man knows how to say NO to the ladies.


5. the man can throw a football. (very necessary~)



6. the man is basically a caveman.



7. the man can carry this fatman, therefore he can carry me.
(and spin me on his finger like a pizza)


8. the man is willing to sacrifice himself.



9. the man knows his Bible. and boasts only of Christ! oh the humility!


10. who cares so much about why he's not the greatest offensive QB in the NFL... look at all of his other attributes!

and if he will have me, i am willing to make an exception for his younger than me age... but only because he is twice my weight (245 lbs!!), 10 times holier (Scriptural eye blacks), and 1000 times better at football than me (88 TD's!).

Tebow makes ovaries weep... 

and marriage so sweet!

A Time for Everything

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8


Haiti, hold on to hope!!!

give more gifts!

as i am someone who loves having options, i don't get why people think giving gift cards is such a bad idea as a token or appreciation or love?

some say that it's very thoughtless and a cop out gift, but i say nay! firstly, a gift card is a ticket to freedom and happiness! tis much better than receiving a useless gift! and tis more thoughtful than cash, i suppose. but i don't know anyone who would complain or refuse cash...

i feel great pleasure when i am at the check out line and i can slide my fresh target gift card for a mini shopping spree!!! even if i end up purchasing more unnecessary thing than usual.... free cookies and cereal and nailpolish, oh my! or knowing that my Nordstrom's beauty products will be taken care of for the next season is awesome too! i guess the trick then, is to getting the right gift card for the right person...

i'm a super practicalist when it comes to receiving. i prefer not to get cards or flowers as expressions of love because staring at withering flowers is just depressing and reminds me of the transience of life in general; and cards are only funny when read the first time. pretty much, all useless to me. (i believe words of affirmation are enough to satiate my hunger for affection. besides, words are cheaper and can last an infinite amount of time!) i don't even like to waste money on wrapping gifts when it's just going to get torn up and thrown away...

i do, however, try to consider that others might really enjoy receiving cards or flowers or watever... because i can't force my personal standards on others, now can i? so, please, do inform me if you love the blabber written in cards, or enjoy freshly cut flowers from jia's jia's florist. i will do my best to accommodate to your happiness. :)

tiger

this year, i will not let anything hold me down.
this year, i will not let anyone hold me back.
not even me...




twenty. ten.
we've been waiting for you~


Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.

amber - 311

What is friendship?

i've been exploring this idea in the fleeting months of 2009 and i think i've come close to an answer... friendship is pretty much an all encompassing kind of relationship between people. it's a mix of little bit of dating, a lotta bit of family, a little bit of co-workers, and a little bit of marriage all rolled up into one. i realized recently that for a truly healthy and committed friendship, it takes amazing amounts of affirmation, affection, appreciation, change, effort, time, compromise, understanding, selflessness, forgiveness, and love....

i'm not trying to boast or show off (can't help it if you feel envious though), i must wholeheartedly admit that i am grateful for my two best friends. (and yes, the best is very necessary). and although we have our little stints and moments of frustration with each other, i know that we're in it to win it! home run!!! take it all the way to the bank!!! hibachi!! (k, you get the point...)

it makes my heart so glad knowing that we can adjust, change, and be accommodating to stay a part of each other's lives. (as we get older, it's really hard to stay in touch with people and the numbers dwindle to a handful. am i right??) we share in each other's struggles, no matter how big or how small. we share in each other's successes and joys! we rebuke each other. we really love and accept each other wholly....

wait.... do i even need to make an effort to find a husband at this point? writing this makes me realize that instead, my efforts should be in keeping other men from coming in and stealing these two away from me! my gawd, i've been playing the wrong field this whole time!!

so back to my point.... i believe what we have is singley unique. we 3 are a real tripod. therefore: my next idea is that we should have a lil wedding to make our life-marriage official. hahah! or can we at least cut a cake on a special day each year so we can remind ourselves of this commitment??

2010. you are going to be a great, great year.


♥, julsjesjoys