becoming...

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

"I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. 

But the Skin Horse only smiled.



For God so loved the world, that he gave His only begotten Son, so that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 
John 3:16

simple & clean

sometimes i think everything in life is so simple....

then i think about it again and change my mind.

everything in life is made complicated when thinking about its simplicity.

all the pieces of me

one of my favorite things to do while i wait for the subway to arrive - is stand very close to the tile walls and touch each piece of a mosaic.

these mosaics - well, mosaics in general - intrigue me!

how is it that close up, each individual piece looks so drastically different from the next? but somehow, their placement is perfect? how did the artist know to shade that special spot with that color?

well, it's only when you step back far enough to see the whole mosaic, made up of it's many pieces, that the artwork finally makes sense. you get the picture. (oh, pun intended!)

sometimes, i think that's how God sees us.

from my limited perspective, i'm so focused on how green that piece of my life is and how it doesn't seem to fit so well next to that ridiculously purple piece. i cannot comprehend how the connections will tell a full story someday....  but our Lord is omniscient, and his viewpoint is perfect. He sees the whole picture... and it is truly a masterpiece!

Great is our God!

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  - Jeremiah 29:11

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. - Proverbs 3:5

mereme lin

Daniel: hey stupid

me: what fat

Daniel: start going to knicks games

marry jeremy lin

me: no. HAHAHAHAH

Daniel: he a christian

me: he younger than me

Daniel: u say theres no good guys in new york

me: 1988 -_-

Daniel: he is?

me: yes.

Daniel: omg

me: that is too young

Daniel: u already checked

u so dumb

Daniel: its ok u can still marry him

Daniel: no one will say anything abd about him being younger than u if u marry him

Daniel: make a sign at msg

Daniel: Mereme Lin! and put a ring on it

me: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLL

[AOEPFKJAEW;FWEOIJAG;OGOR

cute. thats actually the best idea you've ever come up with

Daniel: so do it  

go with julie

MarryMe Lin!  

put ur number on the bottom

me: fine

Daniel: dont come back without marrying him

me: fine.

i find it funny that nobody ever bothers me about getting married except my stupidly ridiculous brother (who has not had a gf himself since the new millenium dawned -_-)

well, i suppose it's more feasible than marrying Tim Tebow...

hope deferred?

i used to think that by the year of the Dragon (2012), i would have born my first son. of course that means i would have been married in 2010, year of the tiger. 

ah, tiger & dragon, powerful and magical creatures for a powerful family and a magical life...

but alas, it was not in the stars - or God's plans for me.

and here i am, in the greatest city in the world. 26 (soon to be 27) and single. yet oddly, very satisfied and happy.

Lord, you are wise! i am content exactly where i am; with what i am. i cannot imagine a life right now with a husband and son!!! for i am still a child myself~

good-bye Year of the Rabbit (mistakes and hasty decisions)!
welcome Year of the Dragon (wisdom, strength, and fearlessness)!!!

patience is a virtue

This past week, my supervisor referenced Aesop's fable about the tortoise and the hare as an analogy to the slow, but sure progress one can make during therapy - of course one needs to take on the characteristics of the tortoise and not the hare ( i wonder, is being the hare ever beneficial under any circumstance?)

as she told the fable, a lightbulb flickered above my head... all the biggest (and smallest) mistakes that i have made in life have been attributed to my foolish hare-like rashness and overconfidence. oh why! oh why? if only i could have stopped and become more like the tortoise, maybe i could have claimed more victories.

ah, but it is never too late to don a hard shell and slow down in this race called life.

so help me God...

Ecclesiastes 9:11

baby bear

have you ever made ratatouille?

well, i haven't.

but i would imagine one has to balance a delicate ensemble of spices, vegetables, and flavors to get the perfect tenderness and taste!

There is much debate about what makes the ratatouille perfect... some cooks, including Julia Child, insist on a layering approach, where the eggplant and the zucchini are sautéed separately, while the tomatoes, onion, garlic and bell peppers are made into a sauce. The ratatouille is then layered in a casserole – aubergine, courgettes, tomato/pepper mixture – then baked in an oven. blah blah blah...

well, as always, i see ratatouille as the perfect analogy to a relationship: one ratatouille's smells and flavors will be juuust right for someone, and then just won't cut it for someone else. that's why i say that God is the best chef ever, and he matches the perfectly distinct ratatouille recipe with the perfect kind of ratatouille connoisseur .

well, to each his own!

monkey see, monkey do

i used to joke about how i was afraid i was becoming my mother... then this weekend i realized (alarmingly) how sure i've already become her.

not only have i experienced the spiritual manifestation of suffering and grief passed down upon me from the past two generations... but i have the same (emotional and acts of service) tendencies as my mom.

1. when my friend fell very ill on wed night, i saw myself reacting in just the way that my mom would when something had happened to me... towards my treasured friend - although i didn't want it to be - my emotional response was one of anger and chastising; all these were symptoms of my deep worry for his well-being, of course. (odd, because i myself used to hate her reactions and complain about it all the time) my mom's incessant style has permeated so deep that it is spewing out of the crevices of my own being!

2. on thanksgiving night, i felt the sense of duty and desire rising within me. so, i took a natural course of action - wrapping up all the leftovers and cleaning up the kitchen after dinner. all this while everyone played games (really fun group games, mind you!).  for me, i found more pleasure in stuffing the tupperware just right, while listening in and chuckling at the ridiculousness of my friends. (i was so thankful that my friends could understand my heart's desires and leave me in peace. thanks guys.) i used to feel guilty and wonder if my mom enjoyed taking on the clean up duty while everyone rested but now i see... and now i also echo her force-ful, yet loving way of shoving food into the hands of people going out the door.

creepy how we are such carbon copies of our parents... right?
we even walk, laugh, and cook like them...

tiger

there is something so simple and straightforward, yet so complicated about shoes. everything about them has to be just right. 

through an offer i couldn't refuse, i tried the shoes on. they felt very comfortable, with all the padding at the bottom and on the arch. the size felt right. i was satisfied with the color and sleek charm of the shoe. i knew it was my first pair of onitsuka's so i couldn't completely trust them, but i had hope for them. exciting...

the first time i walked 30 blocks in the shoes, they felt good. however, when i got home, i realized that the front of the shoes just didn't seem right (but i didn't want to admit it to myself). my big toes kind of hurt from being confined and suppressed. however, i believed i could stretch that part out with more wear, more love, more effort. 

as i continued to wear the shoes, i became deeply disappointed. i realized that it is an intrinsic part of the shoe that won't change. i either have to stop wearing them, wear them only in short periods, or just accept the pain (as i do with heels). but i don't think sneakers should ever be uncomfortable.... that is THE definition and purpose of sneakers! i shouldn't have to compromise and tell myself it is acceptable. there are other shoes that are much better for me and my big fat toe! 

lefty

today i had a revelation about my left hand. well, more specifically, my left thumb.

i have found great appreciation for it, through losing it. 

i happened to sprain my left thumb on saturday (during a punt reception) and i have become amazed at how unable i am to comfortably carry on with daily activities. 

i always thought since i am a right-handed person, that my right hand is so much more valuable and necessary; but this isn't so. it turns out that my right-hand, in conjunction with the use of my left hand, is made whole and useful. (if my right hand is holding the tooth brush, my left thumb needs to squeeze the toothpaste out.) (if my right hand is holding the knife, my left hand needs to hold the bread to spread the jelly.)

they say you don't really appreciate something until it's gone. well, i say, thanks for only being gone a short time (hopefully) so that when you return, i can truly appreciate you for your worth in my life, my left-thumb. 

cling-on

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
-Jeremiah 29:11


Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
-Philippians 4: 6-7

palliative medicine

i guess we don't ever really realize how necessary pain is for our well-being.

1. we need pain to know how to protect ourselves from things that cause damage.
(for instance, sore throat sprays block pain receptors, but it only masks the symptoms of a greater issue. we need to find causes and cures rather than short term relief so we can learn to protect ourselves)

2. we need pain to learn and grow.
(we learn how not to touch that particular part of the stove, or how not to react to a situation in a certain way).

3. we need pain to realize how much we need God.
(God delivers us from trouble. No matter how hard your situation, God can deliver you; He is creative. If we call on Him, He comes. -The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer -2 Sam 22:2)

there is purpose to pain.

hopes & dreams

one day...
i will make enough money + have enough time
to take guitar + piano lessons...
so that i can worship + praise God more fully!
and maybe even write some original praise songs...

egg-yo

the other day, i was watching/learning/helping ajumma make neng myun at home.

i learned three things:

1. start cracking the hard boiled egg from the fatter end.

2. no matter how hot or hard, have patience and persevere til the end!

3. seemingly simple tasks have more complicated meaning as we get older... 

as i was watching ajumma sweep around the kitchen, cutting up cucumbers and boiling the noodles, i found myself telling her how watching her suddenly made me miss my mom. it made me realize how long it's been since i've seen her in the kitchen. growing up, my grandmother always made me do the dishes (she'd tell me it was good practice for when i would be a wife). and she'd train me to peel and cut fruit (she'd tell me it was good practice for when i would be a daughter-in-law). whenever i'm home, my mom always calls me to the kitchen to watch her cook stuff. i guess that's why i enjoy it. cooking is not only stress relieving and calming, it gives me such good feelings and memories of the silent connection that linked me+gramma & me+mom. 

so naturally, when i stood there watching, ajumma would not allow me to really do much. however, she did hand me ONE task that day. she brought over 3 hard boiled eggs and told me to peel them. she taught me that you should crack them at the fatter ends first (it really does work better!). one touch and i noticed how hot those freakin' eggs were!!! i mentioned they were hot (hoping she would dunk them in cold water for a bit longer) but she just shrugged and said, yeah, they're hot huh?  so what could i do? i felt like it was not only a test of my determination, but my womanhood itself. (korean women cook and clean with strange resistance to temperatures on their hands). so i had to pretend that everything was dandy. all i remember were the beads of sweat forming from the heat and nervousness, trickling down my forehead while i screamed aloud - only in my mind...  i told meself: the pain will be over soon. the pain will be over soon. just crack them eggs and peel them delicately....you must prove yourself! the hard work paid off with perfectly peeled eggs to put in our cold neng myun. funny thing is, i think i was the only one who noticed... haha! 

wanderlust

we've been talking about our travel fantasies a lot lately (summertime tends to do that to ya) and i thought about why i've always held these special places in my heart...

Greece - cuz i used to really be into greek mythology (my first aim sn was aphrodite6 -_-) also, i read this fictional book about a goddess in junior high and i've lusted after greece ever since...

Italy - cuz i've always loved italian food and people, and i even bought a Learn Italian! book/cd that i never read but can always undust. plus, there was that one episode of everybody loves raymond, shot in italy and that beautiful pan-out screen shot of the houses on the hills... seriously took my breath away.

Ireland - cuz the irish in me will never die... i've always had an affinity towards ireland due to my special day of birth^^

Philippines - cuz i grew up surrounded by Filipinos and their lovingly hospitable culture... oh and i'm sure the islands are gorgeous and their food is like a comfort food for me.

Moorea/Bora Bora - cuz it's so exotic.... the perfect island paradise. also, an upgrade from boring Hawaii (i'm just assuming that cuz i haven't been there yet lol)


sigh... if only i could be like anthony bourdain from no reservations! travel the world and experience exotic food, people, cultures... living a new life in every village and marketplace!

the only kind of traveling i will see in the next few years is from nyc -> la and back... =/

oppa~~

some guys love it... other guys can't stand it. you be the judge!
This is a translated article someone wrote about the korean art of "egyo":


Egyo
Egyo is one of those Korean words that find no exact equivalent in English. A rough translation would be "babyish charm". When a woman wants to "play cute" and purrs "nggggggg", or when she flutters her eyelashes rapidly, gives you a "Colgate smile" and turns on the charm guaranteed to make you want to hug her, swirl her around like a Cinderella in a ballroom, or just pinch her pretty cheeks, then she is displaying, or attempting to display egyo.


Egyo is a cross between feminine wiles and babyish cuteness. When a girl wants to play with her boyfriend who is too busy "playing macho" to care, then she unleashes the irresistible egyo . She looks down, pouts her lips, and tries to look horribly hurt, as though she would burst into tears any minute now. The boy's "superman- to -the- rescue!" instinct would be activated, and he would be all over her with," oh my baby, come here for a hug. Let me kiss your tears from thine eyes..".The girls pout would vanish miraculously , she smiles from ear to ear, puts out a thumbs up and say with a wicked gleam in her eyes," Yep folks, egyo never fails to work." Mission accomplished.


In the art of artifice, egyo is a strategic technique. Women seek to cultivate it because girly helplessness appeals to men's sense of masculinity. Both the woman and the man know that egyo is just a game, a game where the she swoons and he catches, where she acts petulant and he acts calm, where she is a stubborn urchin and he a reasonable gentleman, where she can be awfully impossible yet he, exceedingly nice. When a girl finds herself in a tight spot, unable to run away, unable to defend her position, she can always resort to sheer helplessness. When asked why she did what she did, she can pout like a kid in a tantrum and reply," molah molah" ( I don't know I don't know) .Unreasonable as this answer is, the man accepts it magnanimously as the right answer .He shrugs and says wisely, " girls!". Girl egyo makes the man happy.

Egyo is a survival strategy not only in the marriage market but also in the house. When the parents are mad at thei daughter for something she did, she can always resort to egyo. She turns kind, caring and lovely. The parents are pleased and they forgive her warmly. After all, the dad says, "she is our lovely daughter". Everything can be forgiven; another mission accomplished. Not all women can do egyo and get away with it. Egyo is that undefinable something that comes into existence as a result of the right ingredients converging all at once. It's likened to a fruit salad: only certain fruits go well with others to create a harmony of tastes. I learned this truth from painful experience. Wanting to express my feminine side, I puckered my lips into a cute pout and said prettily ,"molah molah". The reaction from my friends was swift and lethal: "YUCK!"

my best

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." 

- Marilyn Monroe

please be my 1 out of 10...

"Men's ministry leader Pat Morley reports that: for every 10 men in your church, 9 will have kids who leave the church, 8 will not find their jobs satisfying, 6 pay the month minimum on their credit cards, 5 have a major problem with pornography, 4 will get divorced, and only one has a biblical worldview."

train = man?

every subway line makes me feel different kinds of emotions:

7 - most reliable train. ever. completely consistent. it's just always there for you when you need it. the problem is, you don't want it that often... and even when you do get on it, it's just not that attractive or clean... and full of immigrants from Flushing.

N - when i see that the N is coming, it fills me with such great relief (because the N is the only one that always takes me to Queensboro Plaza). also very clean, new, and attractive seating arrangements. but at the same time, the N causes such great distress and disappointment when it shuts down or doesn't go across the east river... this inconsistency creates a love/hate relationship.


R - i just hate the R. in fact, it makes me angry to just see it. it's old, fugly, and doesn't take me home. except on the rare occasion when i'm traveling within the city or when i need to take it to Queens... then it's okay.. i guess~

6 - consistent on weekdays but so gosh-darn packed that it's frustrating to try and squeeze on it. however, it will take you up and down and all around the eastside. so i feel very comfortable with this train... the 6, what a manwhore.

J/Z/G - completely foreign... can be cause for adventure or utter failure. TBA

E - unexpected.


so, then, which type of train is my favorite? the stable 7 that will never fail me but just isn't that likeable? or the clean, chic N/Q that isn't reliable but fills me with a rollercoaster of highs and lows?

for now, i say that consistency beats out attractiveness and gusto. at least i know it will meet all expectations and take me where i need to go!!!

my brother's testimony

updated


"The Portmandeu of Dr Killermanjaro and His incessant Maelstrom of Love and everlasting Redemption" by Daniel Kim

        My first GNC service was more than two years ago but my conversion began very recently. For a long time, I attended service only now and then, when I felt I really owed it to God after an especially sinful week or when I really needed his help. For a large part of my life, I had a painful and self-destructive hunger in me that worldly frivolities would only temporarily subside. 

      In darkness and with an unclear mind, I would cry out to God with the hope that he would take pity and fix me. I always came to God for redemption, but I did not recognize him in joy. My spiritual life was selfish in the reasons I wanted God, this was clear to me my entire Christian life. What I have realized more recently is how selfish I also was in the WAY that I interacted with him. For quite some time, I had the same misgivings about the congregation that many non-believers have, and so I didn't pray with the church. Instead, I withdrew from community and sought God's grace in times of fear, desperation, and deep isolation, alone in my room at night. In my desperate search for that one on one relationship with God, I failed to witness how he was using the people in my life to speak to me. 

      We all know what wind is, how it works and how it feels. But wind can never be seen by itself; it can only be seen through the dust, the leaves, and the clouds that move at its whim. As I have truly opened my heart to God, I have seen more and more how important it is to know him through his people. And in serving him with my Christian brothers and sisters, my eyes have been opened to how his spirit moves the lives of the people around me. 

      God's love is so great and his blessings are all around us. As I have accepted these truths, God has filled my heart with so much love and joy. Through His love I have been able to recognize everyone around me as my brothers and sisters. And now there is no cultural divide, no social status, language barrier, or income bracket that can keep me separate from His children. Through his people, God has brought me such peace, joy, and courage that I am no longer afraid to speak my mind or show people my heart. The people that I have shared my story with can attest to how much God has changed and truly blessed my life in recent months. 

      I pray that my friends would be moved by how much God has blessed me and be inspired by the great things he is doing in my life. And it is my sincerest hope that EVERYONE at GNC would commune with one another and recognize how important the people around them are to understand and love our God. And in doing so, also realize what a blessing that they themselves are to the rest of the congregation. We are part of an intricate web, each strand strengthening the other, working together to glorify our Lord, who binds us forever in love and redemption.