forget yourself!

"C.S. Lewis in Mere Christianity makes a brilliant observation about gospel-humility at the very end of his chapter on pride. If we were to meet a truly humble person, Lewis says, we would never come away from meeting them thinking they were humble. They would not be always telling us they were a nobody (because a person who keeps says they are a nobody is actually a self-obsessed person). The thing we would remember from meeting a truly gospel-humble person is how much they seemed to be totally interested in us. Because the essence of gospel-humility is not thinking more of myself or less of myself, it is thinking of myself less . 

Gospel-humility is not needing to think about myself. Not needing to connect things with myself. It is an end to thoughts such as, "I'm in this room with these people, does that make me look good? Do I want to be here?" True gospel-humility means I stop connecting every experience, every conversation, with myself. In fact, I stop thinking about myself. The freedom of self-forgetfulness. The blessed rest that only self-forgetfulness brings... I do not have to do things to make me look good. I can do things for the joy of doing them. I can help people to help people - not so I can feel better about myself, not so I can fill up the emptiness."

The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness: The Path to True Christian Joy - Tim Keller

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:1)  You are my beloved child in whom I am well pleased. (Luke 3:22 ) 

my counter-part

when it comes to personality.... i think i would be most compatible (and consequently, happiest) with a man who is of quiet strength but loud morals, slightly introverted, quirky intelligence, reliable, steady character, appreciative, highly supportive and minimally critical/judgmental, frugal but not cheap, a truly great listener, accepting, easy-going, short on complaining and long on patience, easily amused but not easily frustrated, big hearted, youthful,  generous, and humble above all things.  It also wouldn't hurt if he enjoys eating soggy fries, bread crust, and cilantro :")

well, then.... i suspect i should marry someone just like julie.

Renewed

"A renewed mind does not mean a mind pumped up with exhilarating cliches about the joys of living or our potential to turn tragedy into a triumph.

Real change means change in the inner man, where a deceitful heart, full of motives hidden even to ourselves, and a darkened mind, holding ideas that we may consciously disown, must be exposed and confronted by the message of God.

If sin really includes unconscious beliefs and motives that deny the truth about life in Christ and lead us away from Him to other alleged sources of life (wrong ways that lead to death do seem right), then we must look carefully at how we think, what we think, and how our thinking can be renewed."

Understanding People - Dr. Larry Crabb

What is Healthy?

"Healthy people deeply enjoy God, expressed with occasional bursts of ecstasy followed by long periods of quiet allegiance. Their lives are anchored in him. They know that in their deepest parts they have felt His touch.

That touch increasingly liberates them to be more fully involved with others. They are free to enter into other people's lives, openly and vulnerably, with neither protection nor defensiveness, because they are not threatened by the pain of disappointment and conflict that inevitably occurs in rich involvement among fallen people. This inevitable pain does not cause them to back away behind walls of appropriateness ("I'll do what is expected of me") or spiritualized retreat ("Well, we must pray about it"). Mature Christians don't retreat, they increase the level of their involvement.

Healthy people do understand the importance of timing and discretion as they move toward people with whom they experience conflict. And they know, as not-yet-glorified saints, that their efforts at involvement will never be perfectly timed or thoroughly discreet. But still they move toward, not away from. Involvement, not retreat, is their lifestyle. And therefore their lives have quiet power. Their very presence is felt by a few people in a way that makes them want to live more nobly.

Healthy people are not afraid of confusion. They have given up their claim to independence and control and can therefore tolerate, even welcome, uncertainty. Confusion deepens their vulnerability to being led by someone who is not confused. They enter warmly into their inherent dependence as finite beings by defining faith as the courage to move on in the absence of clarity.

They struggle - and sometimes fail. They feel some temptations more deeply than less healthy people - and occasionally they yield. But they know what it means to repent from the core of their beings, to tear down the idols to which they looked for satisfaction, and to return to the God of life through whom relationship and impact are available.

Healthy people are not free of the common symptoms of emotional trouble, but the symptoms do not control them, at least not for long. Sometimes they feel profound loneliness and unbearable hurt - and at times it seems as if they are touching reality more honestly than when they are feeling good. But they go on, aware of a reality yet to be grasped that will replace loneliness with satisfying intimacy and hurt with sheer pleasure. Their styles of interaction with God and others are varied as snowflakes. But one thing they have in common: a growing ability to be touched by God and to touch others. "

Understanding People: Why We Long for Relationship - Dr. Larry Crabb

Christian human

Maybe the real discussion is about being a Christian animal versus being a Christian human. I would argue that the Christian animal is concerned with little more than survival (receiving sustenance), procreation (increasing numbers), and preserving the integrity of the herd (worship of religion). By contrast the Christian human embodies the burning desire to question and reason—to seek knowledge and truth—to sacrifice safety and security for the sake of humanitarian efforts—to save and rescue other tribal members from the savages of neglect, abuse, and hunger.

from Rogue Christianity's blog

do you love me?

today, it finally dawned on me.
my #1 love language is Quality Time.

there, i said it. yes. i feel most loved when people sacrifice their precious new york minutes to get to know me, talk with me, share with me, partake in an activity with me, or simply be with me. makes me feel like an important and special part of someone's life. can't a girl just get some attention around here?

(i'm greedy so i will say that my #2 love languages are: actions & words. gifts & touch are bonus icing on the cake!!!! meaning... you super love me!!! hee hee)

i get upset and aggravated (my grievances overfloweth) when people try to act like they know me, are close to me, or pretend to care what is going on in my life when they don't have a clue because we don't talk or hang out! conversations seem feigned and catching up feels less meaningful when a mutually warranted and surely progressing relationship doesn't exist.

so what then, are my favorite forms of quality time, you ask?
oh! don't worry, i'll spell it out for you (with visual aides:

1) having conversation over food, dessert, drinks, anything edible (feel doubly loved if you buyin~)
2) joint attention (prefer dvd > movie because the environment prohibits casual conversation and my very necessary commentary).
3) pillow talk time (my head is on the pillow - your head is on your pillow - and we talkin on the phone or face2face!)
4)kakao talk or text! (i love me my random emoticons & hellos & picture messages, tells me you're thinking about me and that we're connected throughout the day.)
5) gchat/vchat - inferior forms of QT, but nonetheless superbly entertaining and occasionally insightful.
6) play a game or watch a game (sports & high fives!)

there. now have your pick!!!

"To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us." -Tim Keller

Met ah more pho sis

Lately I have just been moved with such gratitude. Our God is one who is active, loving, generous, and completely caring - even about the most trivial things in life. He reminds us that he cares and is listening to the smallest pains and gripes. Thank you Father! I feel so heard and understood...

So my mom came and went. Somewhere along the line I had a spectacularly clever and emotionally vulnerable blog post about the depths and heights that our relationship was able to find during our four short days in new York together (NYC is truly magical) but then I got busy and lazy and lost my train of thought... not to take away from the significance of the said trip, but I just cannot recall the verbiage I had in my mind last week so its quite pointless to try and recreate a less worthy post. So I won't. But you get the point, right?

Next thought: The thing about Metamorphosis is.... that a caterpillar cannot feign a transformation into a butterfly, can it? It cannot grow fake wings or shed its scales. Transformation is total and genuine... as seen by the finished product. But what if the caterpillar tries to escape the confines of the cocoon prematurely... thinking that it is ready when it is really not? What then?! Consequences such as a wing that isn't yet fully developed enough to fly right (kind of like Nemo's tiny arm)... or skewed vision? I guess we must trust in the process... and in a greater power: God.

phileo love

what is it about older brothers that makes you hate them so much one second... then the next you're following them around everywhere, doing everything they do? i'm 27 years old and i still do it! :0)

well, my brother is so weird and awkward and embarrassing and kookie and "artistic"... ( i'm sure he thinks i'm just as weird and even more embarrassing as a sister! haha) but he is also creative and talented and honest and minimalistic and affectionate and subtly caring and wise in rare moments... and he is the funniest guy i know. 

i love him cuz he's the only older brother that God gave me. 

Praise the Lord God for saving his soul and for the Holy Spirit revealing to him all the wonders and glory of Christ, our only Savior. 

Proverbs 15:33
The fear of the LORD is the instruction for wisdom, And before honor comes humility.

Ephesians 2:8-9
For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, that no one should boast.

James 4:6
But He gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, "God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble."

1 Peter 5:5-6
You younger men, likewise, be subject to your elders; and all of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, for God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time,

Matthew 23:12
And whoever exalts himself shall be humbled; and whoever humbles himself shall be exalted.

Colossians 3:12
And so, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience;

Philippians 2:3-11
Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore also God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of those who are in heaven, and on earth, and under the earth, and that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.


Lord, I pray for more humility every single day.

super additional additions

Non-negotiables:
1. true disciple. (humbly depends on God alone)
2. trustworthy & full of integrity. (does what he says and says what he does.)
3. genuinely good hearted. (it hurts for him to hurt others, he cares about people too much)
4. assertive/considerate/thoughtful/compassionate (good noonchi & high emotional intelligence)
5. passionate & hardworking. (about something worthy)
6. giving and generous. (in all ways, but esp. with quality time and emotional sharing)
7. fun! with the same sense of humor (please?)
8. devoted (eyes wholly on me) & protective ( like a rottweiler~)
9. sociable and gregarious (no cavemen allowed!)... but not flirty

02/2011---
Addition:
10. understands who i am and connects with me on a deep level

08/2011------
Super Additional Additions:
11. demonstrates true sacrifice & selflessness
12. forgiving & grace-ful (with Christ-like unconditional love)
13. patient & wise (knows when to cham-muh and when to speak up)
14. gentle hearted & loving & caring
15. teachable & yielding (like softened clay)
16. determined, hardworking, committed (ah, the art of compromise)
17. great leadership skills (but also submits to authority- esp. God's!)
18. accepting (because we all fall short of God's glory and grace)
19. supportive (emotionally available and open)

10/2011
Super Super Additions
20. filled with the Holy Spirit (shameless persistence for more of it)
21. humble and private (cuz true humility comes from God)
22. dignified, respectable
23. manly (in more ways than just the outer shell)
24. makes me feel super special and precious

04/2012
Super More Super Additions (the list never ends)
25. good communicator (knows how to open up and express his emotions)
26. always prayerful and full of faith

06/2012
GIANT SUPER more additions:
27. not attention seeking
28. mature (emotionally, physically, spiritually, socially)
29. kind and friendly... definitely not an ounce of douchey-ness.
30. believes that i can be someone greater than i am (and encourages me to be my best)
31. patient about my shortcomings (good listener)
32. intelligent and articulate (can carry good conversation for hours)
33. not critical of me or others
34. HEALTHY and free from addictions (drugs, alcohol, attention, prn, relationships, sexual impurity, $$$, prestige, spending, gambling, mama's boy image, etc)
35. constant and consistent (so i know what to expect!!! sheesh)
36. considers others better than himself (and does not look out for his self-interests)

09/2012
ridiculously more additions:
37. honorable
38. sexually attractive but firm in his conviction of purity
39. grounded and sensible


#1: loves me more than he loves himself and loves God more than he loves me.



i refuse to settle for anything less.
God is faithful!!!!

wait a minute.... these are all things that i should prepare as well....  looks like i have a lot of work to do! =/

today, as i looked down at my two keys A and B, i had a simple revelation about how specific and funny our God is.

the two keys were seemingly identical from a distance, but under further scrutiny, i could see that one tiny jagged edge of each key was different.

who would have thought just that sliver of a piece from a metal key would be significant? the difference between locking and unlocking... between gaining access and being shut out.... between safety and exposure...

our God is creative, generous, and purposeful.... completely worthy of all trust and worship.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

muddy

sometimes i genuinely wonder if it is the enemy taking something so pure and beautiful and real, and turning it into a selfish, indulgent, ravenous monster of a thing. 

how evil the enemy is for his dedication to perversion. 

In you, O Lord, do I take refuge; let me never be put to shame; in your righteousness deliver me! ....Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord! - Psalm 31

Persevere

"The book of Hebrews is an invitation to the Christian steward to persevere until the day that will bring the culmination of God's redemptive story. It will be a day when God's people can cease working, struggling and sacrificing, and instead rest in God's holy presence. But for now, the steward's calling is to keep on keeping on in obedience to the Word - the obedience of faith in the One who has led them out of slavery to sin. It means persevering, even though the work is hard and the way is sometimes shrouded in mist. It requires effort, as Hebrews 4:11 tells us. Expository preacher and Bible commentator Albert Barnes comments: "Let us labor therefore. Let us earnestly strive. Since there is a rest whose attainment is worth all our efforts; since so many have failed of reaching it by their unbelief; and since there is so much danger that we may fail of it also, let us give all diligence that we may enter into it. Heaven is never obtained but by diligence, and no one enters there who does not earnestly desire it, and who does not make a sincere effort to reach it."

Author Eugene H. Peterson writes that the reason we can persevere is because God sticks with us. God sticks to his relationship. He establishes a personal relationship with us and stays with it. The central reality for Christians is the personal, unalterable, persevering commitment God makes to us. Perseverance is not the result of our determination; it is the result of God's faithfulness. We survive in the way of faith not because we have extraordinary stamina but because God is righteous, because God sticks with us. Christian discipleship is a process of paying more and more attention to God's righteousness and less and less attention to our own; finding the meaning in our lives not by probing our moods and motives and morals, but by believing in God's will and purposes; making a map of the faithfulness of God, not charting the rise and fall of our enthusiasms. It is out of such a reality that we acquire perseverance.

This is what the writer of the New Testament letter to the Hebrew Christians did. He sang a litany of people who lived by faith, that is, people who centered their lives on the righteous God who stuck by them through thick and thin so that they were able to persevere. They lived with uncommon steadiness of purpose and with a most admirable integrity. None of them lived without sin. They all made their share of mistakes and engaged in episodes of disobedience and rebellion. But God stuck with them so consistently and surely that they learned how to stick with God."

What Must I Lose?

       "We admit and raise to hero status those who give up everything for the kingdom. The movie Amazing Grace depicts the sacrifices William Wilberforce (1759-1833), an English Member of Parliament and social reformer, made in working to end the slave trade in Great Britain. He was ready to sacrifice his position, his career, his health and his friendships as he fought the political and economic status quo that made many rich and prosperous while causing unspeakable human suffering. He persevered through all the discouragement and seeming futility and saw it to the end because of his devotion to Christ.

         However much we are stirred and inspired by the courage and example of those who sacrifice so much for the kingdom, it gives us pause to ponder what might be exacted of us. When confronted with a drastic sacrifice, we want to find some way around it. We count the cost and try to guess the gain. And count again. But Jesus is very clear here. Anyone who is a follower of Christ may be called to relinquish control of life, possessions, career, traditions and more. Sacrifice cannot remain an abstract concept.

        What does losing your life look like? For each of us the answer may be different; for some, such as missionary Jim Elliot, it does mean martyrdom. But many of us must 'lose our lives' on a daily basis. We sacrifice our time and talent and subject our vocations to Jesus' imperatives. We sacrifice the right to enjoy money and possessions any way we please. We are called to sacrifice to Christ's lordship our very thoughts and desires, our fears and foibles, and let him transform us into his image. We must be willing to sacrifice anything that we value as essential to 'life' as we know it when Jesus has asked these things of us. Discipleship and stewardship in the kingdom require total allegiance. It's a steep price to pay, but with eternity in the balance, it's a great deal. The journal entry from Jim Elliot is often quoted but worth repeating, 'He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose.' "

HJ

"There are several kinds of love. One is a selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance. This is the ugly and crippling kind. The other is an outpouring of everything good in you—of kindness and consideration and respect—not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable. The first kind can make you sick and small and weak but the second can release in you strength, and courage and goodness and even wisdom you didn’t know you had."-John Steinbeck

"When over the years someone has seen you at your worst, and knows you with all your strengths and faults yet commits him- or herself to you wholly, it is a consummate experience. To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us." -Tim Keller

the core

i've heard horror stories about college roommates who left cheese and fruit to mold in their fridges through the winter break and then just ended up throwing out the whole fridge come summer. apparently, nobody wanted to man up and deal with the moldy mess. it's gross how we let decay creep up on us, right?

well, this week i succumbed to the delicious ripened smell of fresh strawberries. julie bought them for me from the fruit man :) although i'm normally good at putting groceries away, this time i just let them sit on the table. (why? i don't even know!)

one day later, i saw a bit of mold on a few strawberries :( well, instead of washing and picking the healthy ones free from badly influenced ones, i put the whole container in the fridge and let them continue to fester.

today, i decided this could not go on. so i put them in a colander and assessed the damage. well gadzooks, for the love of strawberries! i immediately felt regret at my procrastination. as i could have saved so many more healthy, delicious, red strawberries from the cruel and unusual punishment of a slow rot. i tried to save some with only slight superficial damage, but alas, the stubborn decay had penetrated deeply into the core of the berry. they could not be saved....

lessons learned:
1) never procrastinate the process of storing and keeping foods in a cool, dry place. (mother nature is merciless)
2) we are like fruit. inner decay spreads quickly if not dealt with at first signs of symptoms. our cores are easily susceptible to growing bitterness and rot, even when exterior appearances look fresh as berries (pun intended).

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. - Ephesians 6:12

true love

"Thermodynamic miracles... events with odds against so astronomical they're effectively impossible, like oxygen spontaneously becoming gold..... Until your mother loves a man she has every reason to hate, and of that union, of the thousand million children competing for fertilization, it was you, only you, that emerged. To distill so specific a form from that chaos of improbability, like turning air to gold... that is the crowning unlikelihood. The thermodynamic miracle."

-Mr. Manhattan

I always remember that quote from Watchmen when I think of conception and birth.... about how crazy it is that two people can love each other and with one act, they can create human life. Miracle! is the only word to describe it. man, God is so artsy fartsy. 

As I held a one-week old infant yesterday, i realized for the first time what the weight of this "miracle" feels like. I couldn't stop staring at him in wonder and awe. How can a human being be so tiny and so shamelessly dependent? Nehemiah is the physical, living and breathing manifestation of love and life-long covenant.  He is being entrusted to his parents, to care for him and fill him up with knowledge and values, etc...

This reminded me about who God is and who I am in relation. God is the benevolent father. I am the creation, completely reliant on Him. (I should relearn that infant-like shamelessness.) And God's true love for us was manifested in the birth of Jesus Christ. He was a symbol of God's forgiveness, peace, generosity, redemption, salvation!

If I (not his mother by any means) can be so pleased at holding this newborn in my arms then how pleased is our God with our birth -our lives? (And yet, how much more can we do to please our Lord and Savior? So much more....)

Sometimes things all start to make sense...

then I lose that rare moment of enlightment.

The world is crazy.

the "baker's wife"

when i was a little girl, i wanted an easy-bake-oven.

of course, i never got one. instead i had pots, pans, and cooking spoons shoved at me at an early age. i learned how to make spaghetti, kimchi-jjigae, fried rice... etc. survival foods for the latchkey-kid & her older brother. psh, no time for baking or desserts, such a luxurious lifestyle!

looking back, i think it was the illusion of being feminine, blonde, and perfect that i clung to more so than the baking itself... and i always envied those white kids who came to school with beautifully wrapped holiday cookies & chocolates they had made the night before with their stay-at-home mothers...

nowadays, i figure i should be grown up and womanly. i cannot carry on with these childish box-cake ways. thus, i've begun a journey into the mysterious and scientific world of American baking. it's fun, delightful, and stress-reducing! [except when my homemade breads don't rise and my chocolate chip cookies turn out rock hard... ] but i have hope!

hello to cookies and cakes and bread galore!
(friends, prepare to loosen a notch on your belts! )

i am, after all, an award-winning "Baker's Wife" ^_~

all you need is love... and measuring cups!

happy st. patty's


NSSLHA bake sale, here i come!

please don't snicker at my snickerdoodles~

eggs

Happy Easter!

it's the thought that counts~

growing up, i don't recall ever really receiving gifts from my parents.... or having a big party thrown for me. i always got an envelope with money in it. (don't judge the parenting, it's a cultural difference).

but i do remember that ONE year. the year that i had become quite obsessed with the Backstreet Boys. (every moment they were on mtv, my best friend and i would stand next to our VCRs and hit the RECORD button!) on my 15th birthday, my mom let me have a few friends sleep over. she cooked us korean dinner and even had a gift for me! (nevermind that she probably had her assistant go out and find it, buy it, wrap it). i had low expectations.... that were at once heightened by a cute "Happy St. Patrick's Birthday" card! how thoughtful and particular to me! then..... rip open gift wrapping to.... [insert: MACHU PICHU-like yell here]..... 2 video tapes! legit, store-bought BSB Concert videos! right then, i knew what all the hula-buloo around children's birthday parties was. i never felt so special, cared about, understood, and loved, like i did at that moment. i felt happy to be BORN. haha. and at that moment, all those years of resentment towards my mom at refusing my Birthday Barbie requests flew out the window.

this is how i explain my deepest appreciation for giving and receiving presents. no matter how little or how unimportant a gift may seem to you- to me, it says that you appreciate me, that we're close, and that you're thinking of me :")

*next time, i'll share the story about how Julie (unintentionally) came to be my favorite (that year) and yes, this story involves a very intricately planned array of secret santa Christmas gifts. hee hee!

becoming...

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

"I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. 

But the Skin Horse only smiled.



For God so loved the world, that he gave His only begotten Son, so that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 
John 3:16